Trying to stay above water 2

[25yearsmlc]

So I thought things were going well. I've been GAL. Taking care of my self. Reading up on how to improve myself. About my anger. I came to work yesterday feeling great. I even emailed my friend and said today is a good day. I feel so good!! Then I get to work and H is angry about some work stuff. He's not listening to anything I was saying. And then he sent me home. Normally I would have begged to stay at work. Instead I picked up and left. He texts me 10 mins later come back in and we can do this right. So I come back in. And then he is nice and polite to me all day. But in front of Other people he is condescending. I finish my day out and go home. Later in the evening I text him and say today was a disaster. I said I just want to come to work and do my job in peace and go home to my quiet peaceful home. I said professionally you cannot treat me like you did.

He responds that he is just wants peace and tranquility in his life. He is tired of the hostility and bridges have been burnt on both sides and can't be fixed. I said I am sorry to hear that but I didn't burn any bridges for you. They are all still there and open.

Hen, I know you want things to work out and I support your goals if that's what is best for you.

I'm not sure telling him you are still waiting for him is helping, however. What happened to some mystery or him fearing the loss of the r? I'm asking.

He asks what I want in the separation. I said I didn't know.

What did he think I was 'entitled' too.



Oh Hen, I'm sorry to give you a 2 x 4. But may I suggest you never ask him this^^ again? It cannot help you. It cannot help you and I repeat that for emphasis. You are only cementing his views, not getting him to question them.

Reveal nothing but that you are getting legal counsel and that you "want what the law allows/what's fair, thinking of the kids" and that you dont' know the specifics yet, etc.
Agree to nothing.

Because two days before this he told me I was entitled to only the house since we were common law.


stop asking and don't engage. This^^ is why you have Ls for it. Changing minds and not keeping your/their words is not helping you. I suggest you "table" these discussions. Tell him you'll have your L get back to him and let HIM worry about the legal costs mounting.


Not the business the cars the real estate or anything. And he wasn't giving anything up for what he has worked so hard for. Now this conversation last night he says that I worked for the business and am should benefit from that. A compete turnaround from the day before??? Anyways I didn't say anything.


I just kept saying that he wanted this he could make the terms of the agreement




and I would get my lawyer to look at it. So then he says do you want to do mediation? Is that it? I don't answer.

usually mediation helps the bigger earner the most. The exception is of course when the higher income earner is such a jerk that they'd spend $100 to get $110 a year later...

and there's something to be said for getting past this, sooner.

One question for you, and no judgement attached. But you have 3 kids together right? Any insight on why you never married after 3 kids and decades together?

Maybe there isn't much of a difference in the law's eyes? Make sure your lawyer has insight and experience in that area.

I would hope that if you jointly worked together for years, and or if you raised the kids and took professional hits, you'll be compensated.

In any event, there's probably a formula for child support so

make sure no money is being hidden. Don't just accept his narrative about how poor he is, b/c men plan ahead financially, more than women. Far more.


Because I already came him his answer. I did tell him that I was mad that now the kids holidays would be split up and now one of us will always be alone.


but this^^ is arguing for the relationship and it's not really a DB tenet.

Stop all the pursuit.


He said that isn't fair. And I said no. But that is what a legal separation is.



I told him I wanted to wake from this nightmare, but if this is what he wants. Then ok. Because if I said anything else it would be pursuing and trying to control him.



So now I don't know what to do. I'm going to read DB again this weekend. I'm alone for my first thanksgiving. The kids are with him. But I'm looking for advice.


make plans for the holiday, asap. If you cannot buddy up, or travel to see family or an old friend,

then volunteer at a shelter or church. (Call them up soon b/c they get a lot of volunteers). I did it with the kids when h was on call, and it was one of the most memorable Thanksgivings we have had. We ate well and then took food to the homeless.

I thought we were turning a point here. I wasn't arguing. I was happy. And then I get swipe swiped with this.

Hen, you need to GAL more and act as if YOU have had an awakening and that you see the upside of the sep for YOU.

You may win an Oscar for your acting but it's time to brush up those skills. 3 reasons,

your external behavior helps the internal mood and that's just a fact. People who wait to feel better and then they'll GAL, miss out a lot. You'll be happier, faster.

Second, you want your kids to see you doing alright and healing yourself - so they'll know how to do it themselves when they face a setback. If you act as if, don't worry. They will not believe you are "just fine" with it b/c you pull yourself together.

No one will say to themselves, "oh Hen is all better now. Guess it's fine that H wants out." Too many LBSers convince themselves that only by being miserable can they prove their love, or somehow make sure their WAS's are not off the hook.

It's incredibly unhelpful to the "Cause" (the WAS just flees faster and farther)

and it sparks more misery in the LBS too, imo.

I suggest you

Back off.

Table the legal discussions, let what your lawyer thinks, etc.

No more blaming him for all the suffering of the kids, and the unfairness of things.

Stop trying to convince him to stay with you. It will never help you for long. It may well be counter productive.

Be proactive about your own path, your own happiness, your own future.

Let your plans and behavior reveal that you are indeed a good catch, a woman who is content inside and not addicted to conflict or being right. That you are self aware and
capable of change and that since you will co-parent with him,

you want a different dynamic in your life, anyhow... Show this by action, not words.


Hang in there, Hen. You are not alone