So I thought things were going well. I've been GAL. Taking care of my self. Reading up on how to improve myself. About my anger. I came to work yesterday feeling great. I even emailed my friend and said today is a good day. I feel so good!! Then I get to work and H is angry about some work stuff. He's not listening to anything I was saying. And then he sent me home. Normally I would have begged to stay at work. Instead I picked up and left. He texts me 10 mins later come back in and we can do this right. So I come back in. And then he is nice and polite to me all day. But in front of Other people he is condescending. I finish my day out and go home. Later in the evening I text him and say today was a disaster. I said I just want to come to work and do my job in peace and go home to my quiet peaceful home. I said professionally you cannot treat me like you did.
He responds that he is just wants peace and tranquility in his life. He is tired of the hostility and bridges have been burnt on both sides and can't be fixed. I said I am sorry to hear that but I didn't burn any bridges for you. They are all still there and open. He asks what I want in the separation. I said I didn't know. What did he think I was 'entitled' too. Because two days before this he told me I was entitled to only the house since we were common law. Not the business the cars the real estate or anything. And he wasn't giving anything up for what he has worked so hard for. Now this conversation last night he says that I worked for the business and am should benefit from that. A compete turnaround from the day before??? Anyways I didn't say anything. I just kept saying that he wanted this he could make the terms of the agreement and I would get my lawyer to look at it. So then he says do you want to do mediation? Is that it? I don't answer. Because I already came him his answer. I did tell him that I was mad that now the kids holidays would be split up and now one of us will always be alone. He said that isn't fair. And I said no. But that is what a legal separation is. I told him I wanted to wake from this nightmare, but if this is what he wants. Then ok. Because if I said anything else it would be pursuing and trying to control him. So now I don't know what to do. I'm going to read DB again this weekend. I'm alone for my first thanksgiving. The kids are with him. But I'm looking for advice. I thought we were turning a point here. I wasn't arguing. I was happy. And then I get swipe swiped with this.
Henwen, forgive me if I'm a little fuzzy on your sitch. I know you work with H, but is he your boss? The fact that he can just send you home like that - that must be horrible. And I'm sure that makes it harder for you to detach.
About your turning point - we're all human. By not arguing and being happy, are you saying things were getting better for you, or better for y'all? Just trying to make sure you're not intending to "nice" your way back into the M.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I was getting better for me. I'm not trying to nice my way in. I'm trying to get a hold on my life and life the best one I know how. But I also thought things were going well for the two of us. Like when he leaned in super close the other day. And we weren't fighting. And now things are all over the place. One time he says that I won't be getting anything in the separation. The next day he said I am entitled to lots. I don't know.
I'm sorry things are so hard. I can't imagine having to work with H while separated. Maybe this is not an idea you are thinking about, but do you have to keep working with him? It must be hard to detach if you have to see him every day. There is also a power dynamic that is not healthy for you. You described feeling positive and optimistic, and then you are being disciplined and sent home by him. That must be very frustrating! And this is a person you are trying to save a M/family with, while simultaneously detaching from? If the D goes through, would you continue to work with him? I am wondering, because if the idea is to "act as if," then maybe it's time to look for another job? Would you feel better not having to see him every day?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I get paid well here and I can leave when our D has dance. So the hours work well. I can stay working here if the D goes thru. If I choose. Yes the power dynamics are not great. Especially when he gets in his moods. So yes it's hard to detach properly. If I didn't have to see him everyday it would be easier. Maybe I should look into only working 4 days a week. So I'm not sure if I should just give up now. It's hard. Because we were getting along well and then this. Maybe us getting along scared him? Or maybe he just decided it's over. He's out of the office today so I won't see him at all. He's at a business function. So as he left I said cheerily have fun! But I miss him so bad. I just want to shake him and say look what you are doing to our family!! I won't but I want too lol. So basically I'm looking for advice on where to go From here. I've told him he can go to the lawyer and get everything drawn up. And I can have my lawyer look at it. And that's where I am leaving it. I am NC except with work or kids. I am cheery and def GAL. I'm taking classes and seeing my IC.
Wow is it hard to be home alone on Thanksgiving without my kids. But I got up and went grocery shopping. And then I decided last minute to go the dog park. I'm so glad I did. There were so many people there and we were all talking and i stayed until way after dark and made plans to go back tomorrow. I'm not terribly close to my family so I don't have anywhere to go tomorrow for thanksgiving dinner. So I bought a tiny turkey and am making myself a dinner tomorrow. And heading out to the dog park after. I'm looking forward to it.
H is still arguing with me. I'm trying my best to be polite. But it's wearing. Yesterday I said just texts regarding the kids and work. Nothing else. I'm not sure of his angle. Usually he is the one that doesn't want to argue. He's not pressing me to go a lawyer tho like the other day. And so far he hasn't gone to one yet. I just keep thinking of his words that he said the bridges have been burnt and they can't be fixed. Those to me seem like those are certain words that he has made up his mind. So I guess I just wait and see? At the very least if he decides to surely end it. Then I have an answer and can move forward.
So i reconnected with an old friend today. Talked for two hours. She works as a life coach. Help clearing emotional blocks and baggage. I hired her to help walk my path. To get rid of the anger and resentment I am carrying around. I'm done with this anxiety and stress. I'm looking forward to my life. This will be my biggest GAL ever lol. Because I literally will be. I will still work for my marriage. But these past couple days, with H acting like he really is done, I need to move forward. I can't be stuck anymore. I keep ping ponging back and forth and that's not who I am. I wouldn't want that life for my children when they are adults. Why do I want it for myself??? I love my H. I love my family. And I hope at the end of my journey we are together. But it is hard to listen to him say it's over. And everything else he has said.
So I thought things were going well. I've been GAL. Taking care of my self. Reading up on how to improve myself. About my anger. I came to work yesterday feeling great. I even emailed my friend and said today is a good day. I feel so good!! Then I get to work and H is angry about some work stuff. He's not listening to anything I was saying. And then he sent me home. Normally I would have begged to stay at work. Instead I picked up and left. He texts me 10 mins later come back in and we can do this right. So I come back in. And then he is nice and polite to me all day. But in front of Other people he is condescending. I finish my day out and go home. Later in the evening I text him and say today was a disaster. I said I just want to come to work and do my job in peace and go home to my quiet peaceful home. I said professionally you cannot treat me like you did.
He responds that he is just wants peace and tranquility in his life. He is tired of the hostility and bridges have been burnt on both sides and can't be fixed. I said I am sorry to hear that but I didn't burn any bridges for you. They are all still there and open. Hen, I know you want things to work out and I support your goals if that's what is best for you.
I'm not sure telling him you are still waiting for him is helping, however. What happened to some mystery or him fearing the loss of the r? I'm asking.
He asks what I want in the separation. I said I didn't know. What did he think I was 'entitled' too.
Oh Hen, I'm sorry to give you a 2 x 4. But may I suggest you never ask him this^^ again? It cannot help you. It cannot help you and I repeat that for emphasis. You are only cementing his views, not getting him to question them.
Reveal nothing but that you are getting legal counsel and that you "want what the law allows/what's fair, thinking of the kids" and that you dont' know the specifics yet, etc. Agree to nothing. Because two days before this he told me I was entitled to only the house since we were common law.
stop asking and don't engage. This^^ is why you have Ls for it. Changing minds and not keeping your/their words is not helping you. I suggest you "table" these discussions. Tell him you'll have your L get back to him and let HIM worry about the legal costs mounting.
Not the business the cars the real estate or anything. And he wasn't giving anything up for what he has worked so hard for. Now this conversation last night he says that I worked for the business and am should benefit from that. A compete turnaround from the day before??? Anyways I didn't say anything.
I just kept saying that he wanted this he could make the terms of the agreement
and I would get my lawyer to look at it. So then he says do you want to do mediation? Is that it? I don't answer. usually mediation helps the bigger earner the most. The exception is of course when the higher income earner is such a jerk that they'd spend $100 to get $110 a year later...
and there's something to be said for getting past this, sooner.
One question for you, and no judgement attached. But you have 3 kids together right? Any insight on why you never married after 3 kids and decades together?
Maybe there isn't much of a difference in the law's eyes? Make sure your lawyer has insight and experience in that area.
I would hope that if you jointly worked together for years, and or if you raised the kids and took professional hits, you'll be compensated.
In any event, there's probably a formula for child support so
make sure no money is being hidden. Don't just accept his narrative about how poor he is, b/c men plan ahead financially, more than women. Far more.
Because I already came him his answer. I did tell him that I was mad that now the kids holidays would be split up and now one of us will always be alone.
but this^^ is arguing for the relationship and it's not really a DB tenet. Stop all the pursuit.
He said that isn't fair. And I said no. But that is what a legal separation is.
I told him I wanted to wake from this nightmare, but if this is what he wants. Then ok. Because if I said anything else it would be pursuing and trying to control him.
So now I don't know what to do. I'm going to read DB again this weekend. I'm alone for my first thanksgiving. The kids are with him. But I'm looking for advice.
make plans for the holiday, asap. If you cannot buddy up, or travel to see family or an old friend,
then volunteer at a shelter or church. (Call them up soon b/c they get a lot of volunteers). I did it with the kids when h was on call, and it was one of the most memorable Thanksgivings we have had. We ate well and then took food to the homeless.
I thought we were turning a point here. I wasn't arguing. I was happy. And then I get swipe swiped with this.
Hen, you need to GAL more and act as if YOU have had an awakening and that you see the upside of the sep for YOU.
You may win an Oscar for your acting but it's time to brush up those skills. 3 reasons,
your external behavior helps the internal mood and that's just a fact. People who wait to feel better and then they'll GAL, miss out a lot. You'll be happier, faster.
Second, you want your kids to see you doing alright and healing yourself - so they'll know how to do it themselves when they face a setback. If you act as if, don't worry. They will not believe you are "just fine" with it b/c you pull yourself together.
No one will say to themselves, "oh Hen is all better now. Guess it's fine that H wants out." Too many LBSers convince themselves that only by being miserable can they prove their love, or somehow make sure their WAS's are not off the hook.
It's incredibly unhelpful to the "Cause" (the WAS just flees faster and farther)
and it sparks more misery in the LBS too, imo.
I suggest you
Back off.
Table the legal discussions, let what your lawyer thinks, etc.
No more blaming him for all the suffering of the kids, and the unfairness of things.
Stop trying to convince him to stay with you. It will never help you for long. It may well be counter productive.
Be proactive about your own path, your own happiness, your own future.
Let your plans and behavior reveal that you are indeed a good catch, a woman who is content inside and not addicted to conflict or being right. That you are self aware and capable of change and that since you will co-parent with him,
you want a different dynamic in your life, anyhow... Show this by action, not words.
Hang in there, Hen. You are not alone
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow is it hard to be home alone on Thanksgiving without my kids. But I got up and went grocery shopping. And then I decided last minute to go the dog park. I'm so glad I did. There were so many people there and we were all talking and i stayed until way after dark and made plans to go back tomorrow. dang I forgot you're in the UK with a different Thanksgiving than we have. Sorry! I'm not terribly close to my family so I don't have anywhere to go tomorrow for thanksgiving dinner. can you rebuild the r's with any of your family?
So I bought a tiny turkey and am making myself a dinner tomorrow. And heading out to the dog park after. I'm looking forward to it. Well you may be eating alone but that's not quite the same as being alone, if you remember that you have many folks in your situation. BTW, there's a group called "DivorceCare" and I think they are international. Very helpful support group and it's real life and incredibly kind. Check into that or any church group or local women's center that helps people process divorce.
They don't all push their religion on you (and I'm not sure that would be a turn off for you anyhow).
My group is hosted by a church but I'm not a member of their denomination.
H is still arguing with me. I'm trying my best to be polite. But it's wearing. Yesterday I said just texts regarding the kids and work. Nothing else. I'm not sure of his angle. Usually he is the one that doesn't want to argue. He's not pressing me to go a lawyer tho like the other day. Oh I bet he isn't pressing you to go to a L.
You need to see one asap and stop letting him think he's going to write up the agreement and you will "just have your L review it."
Most L's won't review all the law or research a lot, if there's an agreement in front of them and you tell them you just want him to double check...
they'll assume you worked it out. And if you show up with it and say "oh, I really want you to review it" then the L is behind the 8 ball.
He/she will have to contact your h's lawyer and start negotiations from scratch. Henwen, this is the biggest financial transaction of your life. Get into it asap.
Protecting yourself is not going to harm the relationship in the long run, and the alternative is worse. It also affects your kids.
Your h is statistically likely to remarry. Perhaps the new wife won't enjoy spending resources on your kids when she has or wants her own, or revisiting issues with your or having you ask him for money b/c it wasn't all handled well when it could have been. But please do not argue with your h. Let the Lawyer do that for you Do not bring any of this up, now.
Remember to project (not say)
how YOU may remarry, and YOU are a great catch and all the choices are NOT just your h's.
Stop giving him all the power. And Hen, I'm not referring to winning arguments. The person who remains calm in a "Fight" - is the one with the power. They are in control of themselves and know how to hold their tongue.
And let your lawyer know you expect fair compensation.
and pay up for a lawyer or risk saving a few bucks now, for a lot less for the rest of your life.
And so far he hasn't gone to one yet. how do you really know ^^^this? Even if that's true, please don't read into it.
I just keep thinking of his words that he said the bridges have been burnt and they can't be fixed. Those to me seem like those are certain words that he has made up his mind. So I guess I just wait and see?
um, no. Why would you do that? Stop worrying about his words yesterday or last week.
So do You think talking to a lawyer will somehow set you back? How can it hurt? Your h is already saying it's over, he's talking numbers and even though that's not the death knell you seem to believe it is,
alarm bells are ringing in my head.
Hen, Just talk to a lawyer.
At the very least if he decides to surely end it. Then I have an answer and can move forward.
So, are you spending your life waiting for the other shoe to drop? How's that working?
I'm asking.
seeing a lawyer and protecting yourself are not "bad" things, Hen. They are the actions of a smart, strong woman. Stay calm while doing it, and that's your best shot at working things out AND OR protecting yourself and your kids.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
