Limerence and My Situation 5

[Zues126]

I don't know why you got so offended by this Mark. He absolutely right. It doesn't mean that you didn't invest.

I will share some insight from two people IRL. One has been directly telling her husband that she will divorce him if he doesn't change. He changes for 5 min and goes back to his ways. SO, she was being straightforward and honest. I witnessed a few of these exchanges, and she couldn't have been more direct. Well, she has lost every feeling for her H. She is having a heavy affair. She is with him because they had a kid and have many financial entaglements. So, she has this A. Does this excuse her A? No. But I really hate when a LBS spouse feels that their WAS should have threatened divorce to get them to listen to them. That's not love and consideration for your partner. Most often the communication is there, but it shouldn't take a divorce threat for the LBS to hear them. And in this persons case, that didn't even work.

Another instance is that of a great H, but due to her own issues she can't stay married to him. There really is nothing he could change. She wish there could be. he wishes there could be. He is great. But she has her own stuff. He can't fix her stuff.

When a spouse decides to go wayward, lcause is right, everything wasn't great. It doesn't mean that no one didn't invest. It means that there were issues that were tended to. In the case of my M, it was a horrible cycle. I was treated poorly all my life by my ex, I decided to take him off his pedestal while going through infertility, high risk pregnancy, and focus on myself a bit and instead of shedding some focus on me, he went out and found someone who would prop him back up on his pedestal. I was done with that. So, he went wayward because his needs weren't being met by me. His needs were too demanding for me and were never reciprocated. What he did was awful. But his PERCEPTION was that this was what he needed to do. I know I was a great partner/wife for a very long time. People couldn't believe what I put up with. One day I no longer put up with it, and he felt the need to find someone who would. My fault in that sitch was trying to hold the M together alone. It simply can't be done.

There are so many different reasons and perspectives. And Lcause is very right. and not offensive at all. Just truthful.

Hey Ginger! I'm glad you continue to post. I like reading what you have to say.

We all have our own values and views. I wanted to share mine. In the first example you gave the woman was very clear with changes she wanted from her H and he wouldn't or couldn't make those changes. My view is- SO WHAT?

Life isn't easy or fair, we don't get everything we want. To me the idea that she expected her H to change when she wanted him to the way she wanted him to, and that when that didn't happen he proved himself a dud...that is just strange to me. She married him. She committed to him. Then when it didn't play out the way she expected it to she decided to lob out ultimatums and eventually start an affair?

Even if she had filed and divorced before rebounding I wouldn't support this. I've shared my thoughts on this before on when divorce makes sense. "Because they won't change into the person I expect and feel entitled to" isn't on my list.

Not trying to convince anyone else either. Just putting in my $.02