I know that this post was not really about Mark's thread, but I have been thinking about this idea for a long time now.
The reality is, we are ALL plan B. Or we were plan B at some point. Or some of us might have been plan zero. The fact that our W/H chose to run off with AP, makes us plan B by definition. If we were plan A, they would not have run off.
I have also come to realize that any LBS, in the history of the world, that has reconed their marriage, was plan B. If our S's A has blown up in their face and they return, we are plan B. I have often thought that I don't want to be plan B. These very boards preach that we can't be plan B. If that is the case, then we all need to go file D right now because currently, we are plan B.
Here's the rub though. I recognize that I am plan B for my W now (or plan zero and I don't know that yet). If I save my marriage and we decide to recon, I know that I would be going into piecing as plan B. But!!!...We have to begin to recon knowing that were are plan B, but our goal needs to be to return as plan A to our S. That is the only way it can be done.
We were all once plan A for our S's. They picked us, loved us and married us. I know I was plan A for my W for a very long time. My thought is that, if we were all, at one time, plan A for our S's, why can't we become plan A again in the future. I don't see any other way around this concept.
So, I have accepted that I am plan B or plan zero right now. I also have hope that if I ever get the chance, I can become plan A again and I think that Mark's mind is operating in that same way.
The way I see it that an affair rarely happens in a healthy, fulfilling, marriage. The spouse feels somehow neglected. This does not mean that I condone affairs, of course not, however in THEIR view they see themselves being right and in THEIR view they aren't OUR plan A. They feel entitled to feel the feelings they get from the AP. We tend to shift our priorities to work, children, family life during our long marriages and we forget to water the grass by continuing dating and taking time for the just two of us.
In my opinion, the term "plan B" for someone isn't viewed from their perspective but ours. When someone is a plan B for someone else, it usually means the person is there WAITING for the WS/WAS/MLCer to return, sobbing their sad life and that they would directly accept the WS/WAS/MLCer back into their life happily without the long and hard piecing process. They keep collecting the breadcrumbs and stay attached... We aren't "the plan B" when we are happily living our own lives moving forward, accepting that the M is over and lovingly detaching while enforcing our boundaries. Realizing that we are fine either way and we judge the situation again IF and WHEN the WS/WAS/MLCer decides to shift their view of us.
I don't know why you got so offended by this Mark. He absolutely right. It doesn't mean that you didn't invest.
I will share some insight from two people IRL. One has been directly telling her husband that she will divorce him if he doesn't change. He changes for 5 min and goes back to his ways. SO, she was being straightforward and honest. I witnessed a few of these exchanges, and she couldn't have been more direct. Well, she has lost every feeling for her H. She is having a heavy affair. She is with him because they had a kid and have many financial entaglements. So, she has this A. Does this excuse her A? No. But I really hate when a LBS spouse feels that their WAS should have threatened divorce to get them to listen to them. That's not love and consideration for your partner. Most often the communication is there, but it shouldn't take a divorce threat for the LBS to hear them. And in this persons case, that didn't even work.
Another instance is that of a great H, but due to her own issues she can't stay married to him. There really is nothing he could change. She wish there could be. he wishes there could be. He is great. But she has her own stuff. He can't fix her stuff.
When a spouse decides to go wayward, lcause is right, everything wasn't great. It doesn't mean that no one didn't invest. It means that there were issues that were tended to. In the case of my M, it was a horrible cycle. I was treated poorly all my life by my ex, I decided to take him off his pedestal while going through infertility, high risk pregnancy, and focus on myself a bit and instead of shedding some focus on me, he went out and found someone who would prop him back up on his pedestal. I was done with that. So, he went wayward because his needs weren't being met by me. His needs were too demanding for me and were never reciprocated. What he did was awful. But his PERCEPTION was that this was what he needed to do. I know I was a great partner/wife for a very long time. People couldn't believe what I put up with. One day I no longer put up with it, and he felt the need to find someone who would. My fault in that sitch was trying to hold the M together alone. It simply can't be done.
There are so many different reasons and perspectives. And Lcause is very right. and not offensive at all. Just truthful.
