Limerence and My Situation 5

[lcause]

I know that this post was not really about Mark's thread, but I have been thinking about this idea for a long time now.

The reality is, we are ALL plan B. Or we were plan B at some point. Or some of us might have been plan zero. The fact that our W/H chose to run off with AP, makes us plan B by definition. If we were plan A, they would not have run off.

I have also come to realize that any LBS, in the history of the world, that has reconed their marriage, was plan B. If our S's A has blown up in their face and they return, we are plan B. I have often thought that I don't want to be plan B. These very boards preach that we can't be plan B. If that is the case, then we all need to go file D right now because currently, we are plan B.

Here's the rub though. I recognize that I am plan B for my W now (or plan zero and I don't know that yet). If I save my marriage and we decide to recon, I know that I would be going into piecing as plan B. But!!!...We have to begin to recon knowing that were are plan B, but our goal needs to be to return as plan A to our S. That is the only way it can be done.

We were all once plan A for our S's. They picked us, loved us and married us. I know I was plan A for my W for a very long time. My thought is that, if we were all, at one time, plan A for our S's, why can't we become plan A again in the future. I don't see any other way around this concept.

So, I have accepted that I am plan B or plan zero right now. I also have hope that if I ever get the chance, I can become plan A again and I think that Mark's mind is operating in that same way.

The way I see it that an affair rarely happens in a healthy, fulfilling, marriage. The spouse feels somehow neglected. This does not mean that I condone affairs, of course not, however in THEIR view they see themselves being right and in THEIR view they aren't OUR plan A. They feel entitled to feel the feelings they get from the AP. We tend to shift our priorities to work, children, family life during our long marriages and we forget to water the grass by continuing dating and taking time for the just two of us.

In my opinion, the term "plan B" for someone isn't viewed from their perspective but ours. When someone is a plan B for someone else, it usually means the person is there WAITING for the WS/WAS/MLCer to return, sobbing their sad life and that they would directly accept the WS/WAS/MLCer back into their life happily without the long and hard piecing process. They keep collecting the breadcrumbs and stay attached... We aren't "the plan B" when we are happily living our own lives moving forward, accepting that the M is over and lovingly detaching while enforcing our boundaries. Realizing that we are fine either way and we judge the situation again IF and WHEN the WS/WAS/MLCer decides to shift their view of us.