But to me, the thought of "waiting" sounds like you are giving her the power over your life and your choices. As if there is nothing for you to do but sit and be patient for the day when your W approaches you about reconciling. For me, I assumed that one day my XW would come back asking to reconcile, but for me, I wasnt going to put my life on hold until that day came. Someday she might, but by now, it doesnt really matter.
I agree. We don't wait, we move on. That does not necessarily mean we quit the M or our spouse, it just means we leave them be and we get about the business of making our life our own, separate and apart from them. The recons I'm familiar with mostly played out with the WAS eventually returning and the LBS saying "I don't know if I want this anymore." That is really what every LBS should strive for- getting to the point of no longer needing the WAS. Because as Michele says in her books, it's OK to "want" someone, but not OK to "need" them. I think a lot of LBS emotions are driven by need- "I don't know how to shop or do laundry or take the kids to the doctor or bring home a paycheck, OMG, what's going to happen to me", etc. etc. And that's not a healthy thing. It's not attractive to our spouse or anyone else really. So we rebuild, become stronger, become independent. Somewhere along the line we quit needing our WAS. If and when they return, we have to decide if we still "want" them.
Now back to you Mark. You're holding a candle for W and there is NOTHING wrong with that AT ALL. I think a lot of LBS's are too quick to give up all hope, so I think it's fantastic and admirable that you have hope. You SHOULD have hope! Because hope drives us. Hope is powerful. The one thing I'll nick you on is you keep saying things that indicate you want your W to know the door is open for her to return. But if you do that, you're painting a big ol' "Plan B" on your forehead and no one ever wants to go back to Plan B. Plan B is dull and boring and just always there. It's human nature for people to pass over what is easy to obtain and instead, to want what they can't have. They want that which is challenging to obtain. So just think about that and try not to fall into the trap of temperature checking her.
