But I just don't see a reason to pursue this woman, even if I was encouraged to do so by this board or counselors.
I don't know about your C, but I don't know anyone here who advocates pursuit. The whole philosophy here is "work on you. Be the best you you can be. Do the best by your children that you can. Detach. If your WAS comes back, and if you still want them, then great. If not, then you're still an awesome person who is in a position to live a better life then they were before." Pursuit is seen as an obstacle to any of that.
I respect that mark is being true to himself. Unlike most of us when we were trying to fix our Ms, he is at least being consistent. I admire the willpower is must take to stay the course.
Sometimes to get a glimpse of the other side of the tunnel, I go and read the piecing threads - esp by Storm and Blu. It gives me a big reality check on what putting things back together can look like if W does decide to do recon and goes through everything you need for her to do - genuine remorse, MC, total transparency, honesty, etc etc. Even then it can be massively difficult for the LBS. The piecing threads are honestly very revealing.
The person coming back to you is definitely not the person you were married to, and that is huge IMHO.
And that is why I've been saying that it is so important for the LBS to figure out what they need out of a relationship - whether with W/H or someone else. And if the W/H coming back isn't willing to do that work with you, then you have come to place of comfort and strength through DB that you can easily walk and not look back.
I refuse to be Plan B and a doormat. I know what I bring to the game and I know it is damn effin' good. I won't settle for less now.
No one has actually advised me to pursue. That was more of a scenario, if someone had advises me to do so. I wouldn't have the motivation to do so. I respect him for his consistency. But when it's all said and done. He is likely to find the W he is waiting for us not the person the return to him.
Sandi – I’m not going to pester you any more about your situation but again everybody’s is different, I’m just happy it turn out for the best for you.
You were not pestering me. I simply want all the men on the board to realize my reconciliation did not come about due to my H's actions. I have guys asking me what did he do to get me to stay in the M. I'm trying to get all of you to see that the spouse who is not coming to the board doesn't have the answer. He was blindsided, shattered, and lost as to what to do....just like you.
I think the men here want to know how Mr. Sandi got a WW to end her A and stay in the M. I'm saying you are seeking answers from someone (Mr. Sandi) who did not have the answers. My advice is to stick with the source that can give you the tools.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have imagined us being at a beach with me handstanding over her and doing handstand pushups to kiss her. I have imagined taking her and kids to trips. I have imagined I learn to play her favorite song with guitar and play it in our second wedding! I have imagined how much better husband I would be now if I got the chance (in terms of affection, being there for her, sex, etc) but I realized this is only hurting my process.
I remember having those crazy fantasies about W after BD as well. I think a lot of that is because BD triggers the LBS into a sort of one-way Limerence. Someone needs to come up with a name for it, maybe LBSerence We start thinking of all the wonderful, romantic moments we could have with the WAS if we can recon. They are having the same thoughts! Unfortunately their fantasies are all based on OP (real or imaginary). Anyway now I look back and frankly have to stifle a laugh at those thoughts. My XW was NEVER the kind of person that liked walking the beach hand-in-hand or being serenaded. It's amusing to me now to think back and wonder that in my BD-addled state I even thought that would EVER be a possibility with her.
It takes a lot of time for us to exit the fog and remember what our M was really like, and to contemplate what recon would really look like, and to decide if recon is even something we want. I now do all those romantic moments with my GF. We have many more shared interests than W and I ever did, we love doing stuff together, the sex is mind-blowing. I never could have had this with W if we reconciled, I would have been right back to settling for an average marriage. Don't get me wrong, if I could rewind things and do something to prevent it all from happening I think I would. Not for me or even for W, but for my kids. But life doesn't have pause and rewind buttons, so we move forward and do the best with the cards we're dealt.
Mark - For me, I have no objection with your confidence that your W will want to return. I feel that some amount of hope in that outcome is a requirement to truly drive us to be better, at least at the outset of our situations.
What I disagree with is some of the terminology you use. Maybe it's being pedantic, Im not sure. But to me, the thought of "waiting" sounds like you are giving her the power over your life and your choices. As if there is nothing for you to do but sit and be patient for the day when your W approaches you about reconciling. For me, I assumed that one day my XW would come back asking to reconcile, but for me, I wasnt going to put my life on hold until that day came. Someday she might, but by now, it doesnt really matter.
Im NOT saying that the day for you to go out and start dating someone else is today. What I am saying is that you might want to consider a more proactive wording/thought process.
The other reason that I dont like the word 'waiting' is that it makes it sound like if she just gets through this limerence process, that she will come back to you and everything will be better. What I have anecdotally seen from some on this board is that just because the relationship with the AP ends, doesnt necessarily mean that the WS will return home. Theres been many instances of AP2, AP3 or just nobody. And on top of that, theres several reports Ive read where the WS returns and then theres another A months or years down the road.
My point is that your key focus right now shouldnt be on the ending of the affair, but on your own personal growth. Using the term 'waiting' makes it seem like you are done reflecting and growing and that the remaining burden is on W.
I agree with Kaizen. You prettymuch have declared that you are going to wait for your WW no matter what. That is admirable, but also means the you are putting yiur needs in hold for a woman who has expressed zero interest in the MR.
I refuse to be Plan B and a doormat. I know what I bring to the game and I know it is damn effin' good. I won't settle for less now.
I know that this post was not really about Mark's thread, but I have been thinking about this idea for a long time now.
The reality is, we are ALL plan B. Or we were plan B at some point. Or some of us might have been plan zero. The fact that our W/H chose to run off with AP, makes us plan B by definition. If we were plan A, they would not have run off.
I have also come to realize that any LBS, in the history of the world, that has reconed their marriage, was plan B. If our S's A has blown up in their face and they return, we are plan B. I have often thought that I don't want to be plan B. These very boards preach that we can't be plan B. If that is the case, then we all need to go file D right now because currently, we are plan B.
Here's the rub though. I recognize that I am plan B for my W now (or plan zero and I don't know that yet). If I save my marriage and we decide to recon, I know that I would be going into piecing as plan B. But!!!...We have to begin to recon knowing that were are plan B, but our goal needs to be to return as plan A to our S. That is the only way it can be done.
We were all once plan A for our S's. They picked us, loved us and married us. I know I was plan A for my W for a very long time. My thought is that, if we were all, at one time, plan A for our S's, why can't we become plan A again in the future. I don't see any other way around this concept.
So, I have accepted that I am plan B or plan zero right now. I also have hope that if I ever get the chance, I can become plan A again and I think that Mark's mind is operating in that same way.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
You were not pestering me. I simply want all the men on the board to realize my reconciliation did not come about due to my H's actions. I have guys asking me what did he do to get me to stay in the M. I'm trying to get all of you to see that the spouse who is not coming to the board doesn't have the answer. He was blindsided, shattered, and lost as to what to do....just like you. 
We start thinking of all the wonderful, romantic moments we could have with the WAS if we can recon. They are having the same thoughts! Unfortunately their fantasies are all based on OP (real or imaginary). Anyway now I look back and frankly have to stifle a laugh at those thoughts. My XW was NEVER the kind of person that liked walking the beach hand-in-hand or being serenaded. It's amusing to me now to think back and wonder that in my BD-addled state I even thought that would EVER be a possibility with her.