Went on a very long walk with WAW last night after making dinner together. Over the weekend I sent her a very honest email about how I felt I had been treated during our separation (control, resentment, lack of sex, etc).
I knew it was going to hit her hard, and she told me that it did. But she told me that all of those things I said were true, and that she knew that I was just being honest with her. While it hurt...she was glad I had the guts to say it.
During the walk I talked about how we never argued the right way (controlling vs passive aggressive) and even when we separated it was only 90 feet apart. I talked about how we never communicated the right way (Why don't you ever vs I want you to). I talked about how we never dealt with our sexual problems the right way either. She said that was all true.
I am taking a job out of state and hope this will actually give us real space and time apart, which she said she needs to decide what she really wants in life.
Am I nuts...or if you've tried to fix the problem the wrong way...why wouldn't you want to fix it the right way this time?
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
I picked up your post to splitzen because I thought it was really useful and good reference for me. Would you be kind enough to drop by my thread to give me some feedback on it.
I will love to give you some feedback too. Can you give me a recent update? If not I will look up and read up your old thread. Its midnight for me now and time for me to get to bed so I will have to do it tomorrow unless I go into labor tonight (I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant and due any day now)
Have a nice day and I look forward to reading your update.
I read through most of your threads and can see that you've come a long way and the changes in you. Previously, when I first read your posts, my first thoughts were "Arrrgh, he's not going to get his WAW back with this attitude." At the time, you spoke a lot about how controlling she was and how her negativity affected your libido.
I think that the therapy you have been going through on your own has really helped. It would appear to me that you no longer see the previous sexual problems in your M as a result of your Ws negativity but rather just because of the simple reason that you are a different animal and so is she. No one's fault really.
Have you got the chance to speak to her/clarify to her the way you did with us here? (ie about your being more verbal instead of visual etc?) I think it would really help.
All us HDers (you included) really want is for our spouses to be honest with us and to desire us. Hey, if my H would just be honest with me and tell me exactly what he wants, I would have no problem "playing" along with him, whether its words, lingerie etc. I think your W would be the same way.
Its not too late that you've discovered this now. You have told many here to have patience and I think you need to have even more than the rest of us here because of your current sitch. I know you must be eager to share your new thoughts and be the new you with your W and get the ball rolling again but you need to "execute" this with great care and timing because the past damage has been done and it will take time to heal.
Your W has become a WAW because of past rejections and she will need to get over that (it is a big hurdle for her DBrookie). I think most wise DBers will tell you to not have any R talks when she is not ready, but to just concentrate on being her friend, gain back her trust and to validate whatever she is saying.
I am not sure that moving away to a new job will help but she seems to want the distance now. (Maybe it will make her miss you more as sometimes what they say is not what they really want afterall.)
I think you and W have made many positive steps but you have to be very careful how you handle the sitch. Its a very delicate balance. (ie. don't push too hard or you will scare her away and although some advocate going dark, I don't think its for you right now since you have been making some baby steps, if you let things slide too much, they may stay that way.) Give her little reminders that you would still like to work on your M. Continue to do things that work (that you know she likes) for example going way out to fix her car for her as you mentioned, things like that. Don't push for the intimacy part. It will come (since you are both HD now) once trust is regained. Let her have her independance which she craves, for now and let her know too that she can continue to be independant even when M to you. You don't lose your identity just because you are a partner or spouse. In fact in a good M you will help and encourage each other to become better persons and towards achieving each others own goals.
Her reaction towards your honest email was good, I don't see any resentment in that reaction. Maybe the walls are coming down? You also mentioned that she works long hours and now you are going to start a new job etc. I hope that you don't both be too carried away by work to concentrate on rebuilding your R. There is more to life than work and saying that you have no time to think about your R now because of work is a bad thing IMO and your W needs to know this. Maybe its just and excuse to not think about something that is so hard right now.
Thats all for now Dbrookie, I guess, unless you have some more updates for us. Don't know if I was of much help but you certainly helped me. Thanks.
Quote: It would appear to me that you no longer see the previous sexual problems in your M as a result of your Ws negativity but rather just because of the simple reason that you are a different animal and so is she. No one's fault really.
I guess that is partially right. I'm not much more FUTURE focused than going over the past over and over again. I taking the...this is what I want now in our M to make it work.
In a lot of ways...and I pointed this out to the WAW the other night and she agreed...we kept trying the same things to solve the problems. Now I'm the one doing a 180 on a lot of things...being honest, getting my own therapy, etc...and trying to lead by example.
Quote: Have you got the chance to speak to her/clarify to her the way you did with us here? (ie about your being more verbal instead of visual etc?) I think it would really help.
I haven't had the chance. She works about 80 hours a week so time is very hard to get...but I plan on talking about it this weekend if I get to see or talk to her.
Quote: I am not sure that moving away to a new job will help but she seems to want the distance now.
Well...honestly, I'm the one who thinks it's the best thing to do. We tried being separated her way (90 feet apart, lots of late night phone calls, lots of controlling stuff) and we never got real space. Now I think we will.
Quote: I hope that you don't both be too carried away by work to concentrate on rebuilding your R. There is more to life than work ......
Here's the thing...I used to be a workaholic when she was in professional school. When we moved to a new city I broke that cycle and loved the fact that I had a life. Right now, she has another year until she could actually have that life.
Yesterday, WAW found out she got a MAJOR promotion at her job. I think I was probably the second person she called, after her mom...and I told her how proud I was of her. That her hard work paid off and that she deserved to get the recognition and validation. I think she called me because she knew I would understand just how important this was to her.
Anyhow...she called again late last night because she was still on cloud nine. She's only been this way a few times over the years....and I mentioned a few of those times including the night I proposed to her. I think she knew that was also true.
WAW sets VERY high expectations for herself, and she has ALWAYS met those expectations. But she has also told me that she sets even higher expectations for myself. I know what's happened when I've not met those ultra-high expectations. Sometimes I wonder what will happen when she doesn't meet her own.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Have you suggested buying your W dinner to celebrate her promotion and "take this opportunity" while she is on cloudnine to have that honest conversation with her as what you told her using some of honeypots great ideas for a start? Hope you have and keep us posted.
Something similar to that happened this weekend. She actually treated me really good last week, but I still felt crappy. And that's when I realized that I probably had just as much resentment/anger as she did.
So you know what I did...I let it all out and then it all go. I couldn't enjoy her being good to me because I was obviously still pissed off about some things. Not worth it. Life's too short. So I literally let it all go...gave her a clean slate...and you know what....I feel great.
I also know that she's not ready to do that for me yet...but that's her choice...and something I can't do for her. But I just don't want to ever not enjoy how good she can be to me ever again...
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
