MLC or WAS... either way, I'm here

[LAJar]

Hi peace,

It's difficult to take in all of the reasons/excuses for why they've left and try to work on yourself if you don't know how legitimate their gripes are. Like many MLCers, my H gave me a laundry list of reasons why I made him miserable - from me hating his friends and where we live to me controlling him. I am doing my best to acknowledge issues that might be true, but sometimes second guess it. If it's typical for MLCers to bring up control issues, I think it has more to do with how they perceive the controlling behaviors make them feel. Maybe emasculated or just resentful that someone is telling them how they should be? I know for us, my H said some of the control revolved around the house. I'm more methodical and sometimes take a while to make decisions. I wanted to think about how we decorated or made changes to the home. H acted more on feeling, if he liked it, buy it and put it up. I always had to think about it. He hated that and felt like I didn't "allow" him to move forward. In reality, I would want to discuss, but I would not have stopped him and how could I if he was using his own $. When we moved, I "controlled" the $ for the renovations because it came from my retirement. We discussed how we would spend, but if something came up, he'd want to divert and spend on that project instead. I was really willing to compromise, but he wasn't interested. He felt like we should just do whatever came up. I thought we were communicating and making an agreement to avoid an issue. He felt like it was me being controlling. I can understand him feeling that way, but also feel like he doesn't see the other side of it nor did he want to discuss if he didn't agree and was unhappy about it.

As I write, I guess this is me processing some of our issues and my resentment as well. Since he left, I've started to understand his mishandling of his finances. With no dependents or write-offs, he always owed at the end of the year on taxes. Nothing wrong with that, but why not put more $ away so you owe less or make monthly payments to pay off the debt? I did that. He didn't do that and why was that? Because if he did, his take home pay would be even less because he was too busy paying off the multiple loans he'd taken from his retirment. What did he do with the $ from those loans? Absolutely no clue. I suspect maybe one loan was to pay off tax debt, but I'm not sure. I will say he was responsible with day to day bills. Not always on time, but paid them. Let me say I wasn't always the most responsible in terms of finances. Because of a layoff, I had a lot of cc debt coming into the marriage that I worked really hard at paying off. I learned my lesson. Maybe that loss of control was also partially within himself.

For obvious reasons, I think H is affairing down. A very easy Google search pulled up OWs part-time salary (less than 1/2 what I make & a 1/3 of H's) since she works for a public school. I know he's so enthralled with other attributes, but the idea he's picking someone less stable is crazy. At our age for a single mother, a p/t job is a luxury. I'm sure she thinks she scored.

For you, I can only imagine you look at your xH's choice and just shake your head. It makes absolutely no sense. As if you were so horrible?! And to disregard your marriage vows for someone who's "nuts". I just don't get it. I applaud you for getting to the place where it no longer matters. After the years pass by, it has to be that way. I just shake my head at the thought that one of the people that gave your kids life would have no need to inform your kids of what's happening in his life or connect at all. They are lucky to have at least one sane parent to protect them.

Believe me, peace, I am trying to do the right things... whatever that may be. It's amazing to see and experience my swinging emotions. Today I feel ok. I saw IC this morning and cried quite a bit, which was somewhat surprising because this week had been better than last. I guess given the topics, not really surprising. I've paid the retainer for a L and am moving forward through that process, but am still waiting to be served. I'm confused by this since I received mail service that he's retained a L. Seems like he's putting the cart before the horse? The next two weeks will be quite busy for me, which I welcome. I've signed up for a training for next weekend that I hope to parlay into a side business. That I'm really excited about - potential extra income, distraction, meet new people. I can only see it as a positive. S's bday and my bday, so he's coming home in two weeks. My girlfriends will be taking me out then to celebrate too. With the good always comes the bad - sad to not be spending my & S's bday w/ H. But not within my control is what I keep telling myself.

I had a chance to go back and read a bit of your thread from years ago. I hope to at some point reconcile my feelings and move on as you have. I thank you for taking the time to read and provide thoughtful commentary.

I hope you have a great weekend:)