25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[25yearsmlc]

25--

It's hard for me to keep quiet on your situation, but I have nothing to offer you. I think your situation is the closest to my own, but we differ wildly in how we approach this.

that is true^^^ as we obviously have factors in common. And when I read your reply below I did have a reaction.

Not a bad one, just a strong complicated one. More below

I have profound and tremendous respect for you, but I see you giving him way too much headspace all the time. Answering is a game. So is not answering. N/C brings peace and adds to the mystery.

Own, seriously? H and I have shared ONE text in a year. We have had a single short phone conversation about health insurance in January. He has not seen the kids in over a year.
That's^^^ as little contact as I've seen anywhere around here. And after a very long m.

I write out ALL of my thoughts here, and then I hope to show the reasoning process to remind myself and also to - maybe - to guide others in their own.

The entire internal conversation I had, was done & over in under 15 minutes. Took me more time to write it out.
Yes we do see others in our situation or similar ones,
and when we are outside of it, we see so much more clearly. (Leah mentioned as much and it resonates).




Contact feels vulnerable, but it answers some of the questions (what is his demeanor, is this about the case/the money/a remarriage, does he miss me, how would it feel to talk to him, etc). There is no right answer.

Contact is unproductive for me. What questions can I ask of him that would produce cogent honesty?

H & I are nearly a continent apart now. I don't give h or the OW much time in my head, never look at FB or ask about her, etc. No looking at h's FB, or old photos or whatever, and the kids either never look or they just don't ever mention it to me or my siblings.
the only thing that has set me back recently is this settlement I'm involved in now.
This is the last lap I think.

I have a few concerns h will blindside me or the kids about marrying OW or another OW (who knows?) and or that it could mean legal leverage for me in the settlement process, but otherwise not in my head.

I've only had 8 (?) months to process that there was an OW. Even that was not really taken in cognitively until maybe April when the medical dust began to settle for me.

I'm pretty amazed at how little attention I've given that, considering. and there are all the other changes happening at once.

I do not let myself go there.

As for what I can expect from h, I trust that he won't keep his word so I cannot sign anything that is not enforceable, which I said to my L. That's the only protective approach I know of at this point.

I no longer believe my behavior has much to do with his, at this point anyhow. It's about me, not him.

There is only how you feel about the approach you have taken and the ones you didn't.

Not sure it's the "only" thing. Not saying you are wrong, just that I don't yet buy this.

I care a lot about my children's views of the process. Maybe that's not advisable. I Don't want to make h a villain and me the hero,

but in all frankness,

I admit I care most about being above reproach in their eyes. There may be a time when I just know it inside, and don't spend energy on making sure they are okay.

I also want my kids not to worry about me, that they know I'll be fine no matter what. ("Mama won't live in your attic!")

If I understand your point, it's to remind me to reframe things in a way that gives me peace, and then not to worry about it any longer, correct? Okay, done.




If only life were like a law school exam where you get the points for spotting the issues rather than how you answer the questions.

Own, interesting comment^^. Hmm, what about this - I regret not spotting all the issues the first time I was here. I focussed exclusively on my own behavior and after much asking "WHY", I let go of that piece. And so,

Years later I am struck by how much I missed in h.


I continue to watch your situation, Sara's, and Fight's with a great deal of interest. These are the clearest examples of narcissists and I see a lot of similarities with each. Of course whatever we glean from one another doesn't necessarily help with our own situation. While there are patterns, they are still individuals as are we.


yes, I read elsewhere that we don't have to see social pathology to be m to someone we need to ditch. It does not have to all fit. And it doesn't. And that's okay.

Not necessary to understand it all and see, to me, this^^ is giving h my headspace.

Which i did the first time I was here.

My h has a lot of charm and my siblings confirm that we had something very good ate one time.
It used to be preferable for h to be at home, than work. Whatever his needs for accolades or more excitement, etc, I guess it grew. Not super important but

I just want you to know that I support you. 100%. In your good choices, and the ones I think are bad. I support your right to make these choices and to change your mind. I want nothing but peace and happiness and a cute guy in the supermarket for you.

Own, not sure what the choice is that you believe I made.

Re The "hopium of recon" - for ME - that was ego driven. (Or at least that I'm aware of.)

We all have egos, however bruised. I think all LBSers want to know that our spouse at some point, realizes they lost the great partners we are. That they did not see our true value - or they would not have chosen such a stupid path.


Even if I had a crystal ball and KNEW h would not put me through this again, (which is the dream of all LBSers when we first arrive,)

I'd still have too much to unsee and too much to unknow. Once upon a time that might have been about me and forgiveness, but this time it's about me not having amnesia.

Oh, speaking of dreams -

-I had one a few weeks back. In the dream, h and I are reconciled & close to each other. I'm driving him somewhere. I drop him off and drive away.

As I'm driving, I get overwhelmed with memories, and a ton of triggered emotions, and in the dream -

I realize "oh wow, THAT is the same h who did X, Y & Z to me. $h1t. I cannot do this." Metaphorically, I slap my forehead.

And in the dream I'm not angry. Just done.