In terms of welcoming her back..... to be honest, I don't think I would. The work she would need to do on herself and the work she would need to do together, I just don't believe she has that drive or desire to better herself even for a greater good. I will always love my W but right now I don't believe in her. In a lot of ways, I would rather find someone that understands the give and take of a relationship than be with someone that is only about themselves.
Very power words from you. It is encouraging to hear. I know I need to get past a lot of what is going on inside me and I am slowly making progress. I have been working on my 180s and GAL but need to work more on truly the detaching part. I feel better about myself and feel more confident everyday. Need to keep my thoughts positive.
Very interesting interaction with W today at son's soccer tournament.
At one point she offered to buy me a coffee, tea or beer. I said she could surprise me other than a coffee (don't drink it as I've never really liked it) Her response was: you can have a coffee if you wish, I am not sleeping with you or next to you tonight...
The slight back story would be that I had tiramisu many years ago for my birthday cake and was awake half the night next to W. It was always a fun memory and story that was told....
The strange thing for me is that it wasn't in my thoughts to think that way and to be honest, haven't thought about sleeping next to W in months.
Well, on to next weeks episode of my soap opera....
One thing I also no about my STBXW is that she needs constant validation and attention kinda like a middle child syndrome which she is... I've always known this but it is exhausting to live with, the issue I have now it seems is that just like a child if she isn't getting the attention from me she looks for negative attention by doing something to get reactions from me. The lastest being that she has apparently closed a joint account where we used to live. The problem I have is I didn't think we still had a joint account there and have no trace of what was in it or anything... She has said I will receive half the amount in the next 2 weeks but as usual when I asked which account this was she disappears, just like everything real when I request it....
Anyways, off to the swimming pool with my 2 real kids and leave the 3rd one alone again....
WW took us to court implying I was a bad father and tried to get more custody, this was after she said she wanted to change the schedule and I said no. The schedule at the moment works well for me and the change would have impacted me quite a bit with work and kids activities. Judge saw no reason for any change though and set it in stone to continue as is. Naturally WW is ticked off again. None of the complaints had anything to do with the actual welfare of the kids, it was all things she didn’t like about how we/I was not communicating with her...
I also asked W for the marriage certificate as I wanted to start the divorce proceedings and I needed a copy. She refuses to give me a copy, wanting to know why I want it. I said to start the proceedings and she still wanted to know why. I explained it was none of her concern why I wanted to start the proceedings...
Also created a shared calendar for the kids activities etc and the only addition she has made to it was 2 things about herself...
Mostly more of the same, she demands things from me and expects me to jump when she says jump then gets angry and lashes out when I don’t. It’s pretty predictable now.
Daughter has just started playing soccer and looking forward to vacation with the kids at the end of the month!
I have been out hiking most weekends in the Alps this summer which has been amazing, met some great people through the different meet up groups and work travel. Just looking forward to the days where there is no hostility from the dear STBX....
Most days the situation just makes me laugh at how crazy it is. Like, I get that it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation but we are nearly 2 years from BD, just over 18 months physically separated and it's just dragging out.. I have been agreeing with her for a year now that we don't work and we should just close it up, I will even be the one to file yet she blocks me from doing so... ah well though, on to the next week and see how the soap opera continues
2nd round of court ordered mediation was this week... Nothing has changed in the dynamic between WW and me in the sense that everything is still all my fault and she takes no responsibility for the situation we are in... ah well..
Mediators asked what the problem was between us, W said she didn’t know what the problem was... Her reasoning for taking me to court was to get mediation, not to take custody of the kids away from me...
I also explained in mediation that I would like to parallel parent as there is no respect from W towards me and when I don’t do things exactly as she wants me to do, she lashes out and is vindictive... W is very against this, so when I asked her what she wants, she explained that she should be able to communicate with me at any time of day or night. That all decisions should be mutually agreed on(even if I sign our children up to activities on my days she expects to have a say in that...)
W is playing the victim role as much as she can, she explained in mediation that she is in financial distress and I’m purposely trying to ruin her (not acknowledging she has taken over 1000 Euros from me this year with false claims) Not sure how she works this out when she earns more than I do and has only given me a figure to buy her out of the house last month after moving the goalposts all year.. But all in a day in the life of this crazy.
W also told me (outside of the mediation session) that if I don’t co-parent the way she wants, if I pursue parallel parenting then (apparently) I am going against the law and don’t deserve to have any custody of our children... Yey, the next mediation meeting is going to be fun
Alas, onwards and upwards to the next episode..
I wish I had more advice I could give to newcomers other than buckle in for the craziest rollercoaster ride of your life, but I don’t at the moment other than what most say here. Look after yourself, any kids, GAL and aim to stay calm and let the storm happen somewhere else...
Sandi, if you read this, , I remember reading your links 2 years ago and thinking no, this can’t happen, life can’t get that crazy and bizarre but you are spot on. It’s been incredible to see words you wrote down actually become a reality. There was even a woman I was hanging out with from time to time over the past year or so and I got to the point recently when I felt if we kept hanging out I would want to explore it to be more than friends, she said she didn’t feel the same way but wanted to be friends. I said, sorry but I wasn’t interested in that and I would step away. This has been met, (I’ve heard through some mutual friends) with her being annoyed at me for not just being friends with her... What’s a guy to do..
Sandi, if you read this, , I remember reading your links 2 years ago and thinking no, this can’t happen, life can’t get that crazy and bizarre but you are spot on. It’s been incredible to see words you wrote down actually become a reality.
Thank you for the shout out. What made my day was when I read how you have learned how to say, "Thanks, but no thanks". You were wise enough not to pursue a relationship with a woman who already knows she only wants to be friends.
There is someone out there that will love you the way you want to be loved. You are just fine.......and your life is going forward.
((Si))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi, I’ve learnt a lot through this board and my coach and your right in what you say. There are other options for me to explore.
Update for this week is that I told my lawyer to file the divorce paperwork with the court last week. I feel fine with my choice to do so and am looking forward to continuing my path I am laying out in front of me for me and my kids.
Told W last week that the paperwork would be filed, that the house will go on the market in the new year, (I had hoped to take it over but W keeps moving the goalposts on how much she wants, has been for a year now). I told her that I am setting us both free because her constant negativity is suffocating, not to mention tiring and boring.
I haven’t had any response from her regarding it or when I forwarded her an email from my lawyer with a question she needed to answer so that the papers could be filed.. Other than seeing her briefly when picking up the kids at the weekend, she has been off the radar.. It’s been nice...
The (I’ll call them guilt trips) that are coming through the kids these days are just sad... apparently W told the kids she couldn’t afford a Christmas tree this year. (I bought a nice one for 20€ with the kids at the weekend). W is telling the kids that it’s because “daddy doesn’t give her any money”, despite the fact that she earns more than I do....
Anyways, have a business trip next week to Kansas, then the kids come to me on Christmas Eve for a week. So looking forward to Christmas morning with them.
