It's been awhile, so I think it's time for an update. IMO I personally feel that if we are going to give advice and 2*4 others, then we owe it to the community to share our own sitch.
We are getting close to the end of the Retrouvaille program. I have said before that we are not Catholic, however we appreciate the program, the teachings, and the overall goals. It is an international program and anyone is welcome to attend; couples (and priests) share a wealth of information on the importance of marriage and the steps needed to have a long term successful marriage. A lot of the tools we are learning are invaluable--communicating feelings, being personally accountable, and accepting that everything is a choice (marriage, love, forgiveness, etc). It's quite impressive actually.
That's the good stuff and I still do highly recommend it. Here is where I am getting thrown off. I am starting to feel that the indoctrination is getting in the way of what I am trying to get out of it. Could it simply be that some of the presenting couples are more fundamental in their beliefs than others? The last session we were basically told that if we want to save our M, then we need to go to church together and pray together. Without getting into my history in religion and H's history (why he became a MNG and our M failed, as he had an over-controlling Catholic mother), buuutttttt telling us TAHT is the last thing we need to hear to save our M. We are going to try and stay open-minded and complete the program, however we now must do so much more guarded.
I live in a very diverse part of the country and have friends and co-workers of all world faiths, and I have yet to see a strong correlation between religion and M success. In fact the couples that I think have strong marriages happen to me agonist (atheist). Am I suggesting that this data should mean anything about the program? No, but I am saying that couples can have lasting and loving Ms without going to church together and praying. There are so many reasons people stay together, and while religion/faith may help for some, it is not the only reason.
There have also been some presenting couples that have talked about the abuse they have endured and that they still choose to stay and work on the M. That has caused me some mixed emotions TBH. There are a few presenting couples that come to mind that my initial thought has been "why are you still together?" The goal of the presenting couples are to go over the material in the post-sessions, but it is also to show newbies that really any M can be saved if both people decide to and do the work. That is correct and they are proving it's true. Me personally, there are just things that I could not endure and some of these people have accepted horrific abuses.
Lately, I have been again more focused on my own GAL. I cycle through times of doubt about my M and if I can forgive H. Will that last forever? A good friend of mine reminded me how far I've come and that even if I can't see it, we are making so much progress. I don't know about that. I still miss how I felt about him before the A. I want to feel that way about my partner in life. He is a good guy, he does all the things--remorse, great at validation, awesome dad and co-housekeeper, and he is all in--but my heart is not in it. He still had an A and left me for this ugly mistake. So while there are so many things I like about my H more now, the history is and will always be there. Will I learn to accept and embrace that over time? I can't say yet.
I guess the difference now is that I don't feel as much emotion around it. I enjoy my day to day life, my family, my kiddos, my friendships, and my GAL. I have been running, swimming, hiking, and really enjoying my days off more than ever.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
