25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[25yearsmlc]

Ah good old hopium. Powerful. That one.

Even if it was rude - the real question is... is there truth there?

which part? I don't believe it was "rude", (I don't think so, at least)
b/c his text did not really demand a response.

My T suggested my real fear is that h may use my non response as evidence that "see? I sent 25 a NICE message and she didn't even thank me...what a b1tch."

I have worried about this^^ for FAR TOO LONG. H was a real $h1t the past 2 years (I don't want to redo the whole marital history so I'm staying focussed on the more recent crap).

No question he betrayed me in more than one way, and in his mind (CAUTION: "Mind Reading alert!")

h has justified ALL his choices (or chooses not to look at a few choices he "could have done better...").

Pretending that there's no context to my silence, is me engaging in more gas lighting - isn't it?

However, then the risk of me spiraling into questions about "the meaning of it all", would also lead to my addiction to the question of WHY?

and I'm working very hard to break free of this^^. You of all people know I spent years on that unanswerable question. UGH...years I won't get back!

And the more preoccupied I am with h, or "why", the less I GAL.




If we only focus on the first - then we don't have to deal with the truth question. If we never ask the truth question, we never have to change.

It's an excuse..and for your H - that has seemed like the place where he continues to get caught up in.

He has to focus on you - because if he truly focused on him, he would have to change...

... and that has been what overwhelms him. For a long time it seems.

I imagine anyone facing the wreckage he created and wished to reverse, would feel overwhelmed. Where to start? My guess is that h could never grasp the enormity of the pain he's inflicted on the 4 people who loved him the most.

Some months back, h told d20 months that he "isn't good at repairing r's."

Oh.

At Retrovaille h opened up the last day. H showed tremendous remorse for the situation our family was in. It was a big deal to me then. The metaphor was a car accident, and he said the "money is all gone and all the passengers are on life support and might not make it." He broke down describing it. It was very moving.

And that^^^ insight of his kept me going for years. The idea that he really did "get it" and was sad, fearful of losing our family, and that he was invested in the marriage the same way I was.

But that^^ eventually was an illusion. An illusion I spent a ton of energy & emotional resources, maintaining.

Yes that ^^ is tragic.

But he drove the car off the cliff and a lot of people did get hurt. And he was warned many times that this choice was a dangerous one, not one to be made a second time with hope of all being well in the end. He was warned that it could lead to a place HE might not like.

Yet he kept driving, only occasionally looking in the mirror to reassure himself that the choices he was making were not disastrous... (and announcing to the world that he was in a great happy place.

No thanks to him, we are healing.

(Maybe partly because he's AWOL), we are healing.

I don't even say that^^ with anger.

more like resignation & acceptance - and hope for peace.

Okay I have to get back to the money numbers of the gross divorce crap (aka "GDC").

((( thank you V- )))