Registered: 11/21/00 Posts: 8334 Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest ********************************************************
An old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that was going on inside himself.
"My son, it is between two wolves. One is evil: anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego."
"The other is good: joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it and then asked, "Which wolf wins?"
Wow didn’t expect that amount of responses to my recent posts BUT can understand why it stirred the nest so to speak, I’m going to do a last post and then back off and stalk instead for a while and let things settle down somewhat.
I would like to challenge many responses I’ve received lately but just can’t be bothered my posts are misinterpreted most of the time, not only that but crash helmets cost lots of money and now have a painkiller addiction.
Sandi you are a perfect example of what I am trying to get across here but am obviously not eloquent enough to portray it through words. I’m sorry but I have lots of questions for you but understand if you would like to refrain from answering. 1. Am I right in thinking you RC your MR? 2. Can I ask how difficult it was for you to go back to your LBH and ask him for another chance? 3. Did your LBH give you the SLIGHTEST indication that RC could be achieved? 4. Would you have done it sooner if he had left a “crack” open for RC?
I think you’ll know why I’m asking these questions.
Sandi you’ve helped me a great deal with my own situation, without you I would never have known about the MNG syndrome and the actual mindset of a WW so I do appreciate your input truly.
My biggest problem and the reason I get all the 2x4’s is that I’m very logical I work with statistics it’s what I do! If we look deep into our lives statistic are everywhere and help us without actually knowing it. Now with A’s there’s the emotional element to factor in and I appreciate that BUT that’s very biased to each separate situation.
Sorry I believe in RC even with WW’s ^^^^^^^ I believe somewhere down the line there will be the opportunity it’s what I do UNTIL this point I’m berated for. I TOTALLY feel we would see more MR’s RC’ed if we just step back and try and stretch out our timelines, I agree that detachment and NC and GAL’ing has a part to play with us getting to that point and a byproduct of this could be the LBS “moving on” but for ME I intend to continue what I’m doing and see what happens in time.
Will I have moved on who knows but at this present time I intend to continue what I do and work towards RC. If I’m STILL here in 3-years’ then I’ll take all the 2x4’s you can give me and a “we told you so” in big bold capital letter.
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I think this was one of the more excellent discussions I've seen on the board with so many people participating in the convo - so thanks for stirring the pot Mark
Those are good questions for Sandi and I hope she gets around to answering them. I'd like to know as well.
Looking at everything, I think I just have one fundamental disagreement with you - which is about the recon mindset. Otherwise, we're on the same page.
With the timelines for WAS to maybe think about recon, and the mismatch with the timeline for the LBS getting to a place where they want to move on, it creates a very daunting situation for the LBS. I am all for the waiting, but only until it makes sense for me and my growth as a person. And when I have reached my personal goals and am maintaining the lasting changes I am aiming for, I will revisit the decision about what to do next - do I continue to wait and stretch my timeline or file papers. That decision has to come for me from my own place of strength and clarity. It won't be a response to whatever she does.
I refuse to tie my happiness to the possibility of a recon.
Anyways, at least it looks like whatever you're doing is working for you right now Mark. Good luck!
Your post/thread yesterday was awesome. I think it made everyone who read it think harder. And that always help.
I'm in agreement with Maika on the recon situation. I think waiting is up to the LBS, I think leaving a crack in the door and making to road paved smooth like 25 said is important. But, a constant reassessment of each of Sitch has to be taken. Like you Mark, I agree that me any my wife or soulmates, but I know she has to feel and know that. I also, have come to the conclusion, that I might not never fully close the door on her, but I will move forward and enjoy my life. I also think if she leaves, she will come back and that's where the crack in the door is important, it will never be wide open again.
Coming here has made me stronger and wiser and I'm grateful for every person, that has commented on my thread. Holding, AS, 25, Sandi, J9, Maika, TxHubby, LH19, Rose, Tread, and You. To be honest, we have a special relationship with each other. We have shared out darkest days with each other, and that's not easy to do. I have met Holding personally and it was great experience I will never forget.
I also think we have educated ourselves so much in this process that we will become a blessing to others.
Your statistical outlook is great for all of us, and I hope you keep posting, it's another point of view, and I enjoy seeing people with hope on here.
Keep pushing, and don't BLOW UP THAT LAST BRIDGE!
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Mark, I don't think ANYONE here wants to say "I told you so" and I don't think many here would disagree with your timeline, either. The mantra here is "it's a marathon, not a sprint."
Quote:
My biggest problem and the reason I get all the 2x4’s is that I’m very logical I work with statistics it’s what I do! If we look deep into our lives statistic are everywhere and help us without actually knowing it.
I think this is the fundamental problem, and you acknowledge it to a certain extent in the next thing you say "there's the emotional element to factor in." I think what you may be missing here is that it's not just the "A" that's an emotional element. This entire situation is about emotion.
You cannot reason your wife back into your M. Being the "better choice" will not get her back into your M. Her A ending might get her back into the M, but it's just as likely that she'll go into another A!
You're focused on external factors, but the only thing that MIGHT bring your W back are INTERNAL factors. Focusing on you.
"But it's just as likely that she'll go into another A!" I'm afraid that's the LEAST likely to happen statistically. She'll more than likely stay with AP/LO and possibly regret it seeing Mark happy due to moving on with his life..? Who knows.
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I'm sorry if my posts has conveyed the message that I wish a divorce for you. That certainly is not what I've tried to do. Believe me, I would like all of us to get a second chance because I truly do believe a BD, choosing to grow instead of say falling to drinking, and this board will give us so many tools to analyze and make the best of our relationships.
My personal belief is that the biggest chance for a recon is when we have reached the point where we are fine either way. Because at that point, we naturally become more attractive and we stop being careful about what we do and say. Also, at that point, if we have done the self-growth, we are truly the person we want to be and come out as genuine in interactions. Personally, I'm trying to mirror my XW's behavior and I try to use DB-style (and e.g. how to win friends and influence people -style) interacting with everyone I talk to! This way it gets "forced" into my thinking so I'm genuinely changing, not just towards my XW.
All the power for you if you can truly reach that state by thinking about statistics and those medical studies. I do know them because I have read them. For me, they acted as a way to "settle". "Their R is a rebound/started from EA during our M, probably not going to work". It's too comfortable. It's cool if you don't think this way and this mentality lets you detach fully, I myself can't. My point is that your behavior should be not dependent on the statistics. Would your behavior change if it was only 1% of people who regret? NO. Concentrate on you and let her go.
You asked if XW doesn't cross my mind ever? OF COURSE SHE DOES. I have imagined us being at a beach with me handstanding over her and doing handstand pushups to kiss her. I have imagined taking her and kids to trips. I have imagined I learn to play her favorite song with guitar and play it in our second wedding! I have imagined how much better husband I would be now if I got the chance (in terms of affection, being there for her, sex, etc) but I realized this is only hurting my process. Every time when I get emotional and start to think about something like that, I try to reframe it to something I call "a faceless girl". I know I will meet someone in my future (I don't believe in recon for myself, but of course I would also give that for her if we ever did recon) and I can do all that with her!
I can see that we are probably arguing about nothing, really. We are probably misinterpreting your text. But I think you also have hard time understanding what "fighting for your M" means. If you let her go and concentrate on you, you ARE FIGHTING for your marriage. There's just nothing else you can do. You stop fighting for your marriage the moment you begin to think you wouldn't take her back even if she'd want to. Or the moment you find someone else who you fall in love with.
About validation: you can validate as much as you want, as long as it comes genuinely and feels natural, in my opinion. Also, I didn't understand what "validate her behavior with kids" meant. You validate feelings, not actions.
Again, all of these are just my own views like you said, I wish only all the best for you. My only concern is those stories I've read where the H has been used as a doormat while WW has jumped from A to another. All the cases I've read with recon, the H "found balls" and literally stopped caring about WW. They weren't cold, they just didn't keep them as their W anymore. But it seems you are not going towards this (doormat) direction so good!
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
I have no bad feelings towards anybody and will if allowed use what I find works for me from those that kindly respond to my posts.
Honestly we’re not that far away from each other in regards to how we manage our situation, I feel that TIME is the most important aspect in R’s. Acting as if I know RC is going to happen (statistically speaking) puts me in a mindset that I FEEL emits the kind of person I wish to show, unpressured, happy, calm, not angry and confident knowing I’m going to get through this either way it goes on and on!
I get the concepts of DR and do see where they’re benefitting my situation and I’ll continue with the successful ones that improve the chance of bringing everybody back under the same roof. I’m grateful to yourself and Rose in pointing out the need to re-focus on me and me alone to find Mark again and to a degree I agree and will look to find methods in helping me better do this.
I think you’ll also agree to TOTALLY detach is impossible (those pesky triggers) but I have some success in giving them NO space in my head and again like you feel the LRT principles and others have aided me massively. This is just one thing I take away from these boards there are so many I’m just suggesting not to be blinkered it’s that simple.
Thanks for responding.
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
