So this weekend, I planned several outings for the family. As usual, my W said she needs to stay home to get school work done. The last time she did this was when she took the day off and accidentally texted me the love note meant for my BIL.
My wife is GAL and detaching as well. Does GAL and detaching eork if both partners do them? It seems like it would just make us more like strangers living in the same house...
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
My wife is GAL and detaching as well. Does GAL and detaching eork if both partners do them? It seems like it would just make us more like strangers living in the same house...
The situation right now is your W is so done with you and the M that just seeing you and hearing you repulses her. GAL and detaching does two things- 1) it gives her the time and space away from you that she needs to get over being angry and resentful and hopefully (eventually) to start remembering that maybe the M wasn't so bad after all; and 2) it gives you the times and space away from her that you need to start healing, finding yourself and become more independent. GAL and detaching doesn't save the M in and of itself, it paves the way to you becoming the "spouse only a fool would leave" which she may find attractive down the road.
When I read comments like this I sense some impatience, it's like you're really saying "it's not working, should I try to pursue instead?" NO, DO NOT PURSUE. You have a very long road ahead, you need more patience then you've probably ever needed for anything else in your life.
The situation right now is your W is so done with you and the M that just seeing you and hearing you repulses her. GAL and detaching does two things- 1) it gives her the time and space away from you that she needs to get over being angry and resentful and hopefully (eventually) to start remembering that maybe the M wasn't so bad after all; and 2) it gives you the times and space away from her that you need to start healing, finding yourself and become more independent. GAL and detaching doesn't save the M in and of itself, it paves the way to you becoming the "spouse only a fool would leave" which she may find attractive down the road.
IMO this paragraph is DB in a nutshell. When you start healing, find yourself and become more independent, IT CHANGES YOUR MINDSET COMPLETELY. What you thought you wanted may no longer be the case anymore.
[quote=Tate]My W has not acted on her decision to file for a divorce. In the moment, I absolutely believed her, bit now I do not think she is going to file. She may not. She may have meant it when she said it, or hurled it out in anger,
and Or She may put you in an impossible situation, effectively daring you to file
so she can hold you responsible or so you can solve her dilemma...
Or she may be second guessing her "negative data" about you.
My only advice in this regard is to stay out of her head. It's crowded in there. Don't make yourself nuts. your kids need you to be their rock. \
Being preoccupied by what you think she is doing/planning/feeling, is not being fully available to the kids.
That ^^ Is a regret I have about my own DB history.
Part of her change of heart is that our computer died and our air conditioning went out since then. GW, you are really^^ inserting yourself into every action/inaction on her end. That's the opposite of detachment and will make you go crazy in a painful way.
I fixed both...not that it is a teason to not divorce, but it shows her how much I do for her on a daily basis. ^^^this is a good thing for the family, right? Okay that's great. I'm impressed by your repair skills. Seriously.
But this whole post is about what you think - she thinks OR what you think she feels - and why...
She has never once thsnked me gor keeping the household running smoothly. Well, don't expect thanks for you keeping the house running smoothly. And try not to need her validation, okay?
Even if you were in a healthy marriage now, it's a big burden to put our self esteem on the shoulders of a spouse,
just know you "done good stuff", and work to GAL, which I know is complicated.
Maybe a meet up group? They are not dating sites (not usually) so don't worry about that piece. It's just that they are flexible.
Hang in there
and please try to keep the focus OFF HER, and ON YOU...there are free meditation apps called
"Insight Timer" and another one called "Calm". They can help with the spinning.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for the support. I would like to paint a picture of my life to see if anyone has suggestions.
So it seems that when I am home, I should be spending most of my time with the kids. I do this. I also spend time in my own projects...work on my car and I just bought and set up an electronic drumset (read: quiet). My kids love it, and coming from a competitive drumline background, I always wanted to pick up drum set. I can tell my wife hates it.
The going out thing is difficult. I have to watch the kids two weekday evenings. Two other evenings and Saturday morning, I do group sports. That leaves Friday, Sat, and Sun evenings open to go out. Sunday evenings is my relaxation time with the kids...usually playing games or watching a movie. My wife never joins us. Even when our marriage was going pretty well, she would never relax with us.
I usually work on projects Saturday afternoon...lawn, car work, painting, etc. Sunday morning is church. I love spending time with my kids, 10, 9, and 7 yrs old.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
I had a day planned with the kids yesterday going to fall events. My W said she needed to stay home to get school work done...only getting 5 hours of sleep per night and all. Made sense to me.
So, the kids and I go out and have a great day. We come back, and my W is cleaning a bathroom. Not sure what she did while we were gone for 8 hours, but it was not school work, and only 1 hour of chores were done. It seems she just does not want to do anything I plan for the kids or family. I am thinking I should just plan tons of stuff that she will likely miss out on by not joining us.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
I had a day planned with the kids yesterday going to fall events. My W said she needed to stay home to get school work done...only getting 5 hours of sleep per night and all. Made sense to me.
So, the kids and I go out and have a great day. We come back, and my W is cleaning a bathroom. Not sure what she did while we were gone for 8 hours, but it was not school work, and only 1 hour of chores were done. It seems she just does not want to do anything I plan for the kids or family. I am thinking I should just plan tons of stuff that she will likely miss out on by not joining us.
Well, your wife is having an EA and she is mad at you for telling your sister. So, no, she doesn't want to have family days. This is not surprising, and I wouldn't expect her to want to. She has checked out of the marriage. So you continue having a great time with your kids and she will spend time with them on her own.
W is planning a Halloween party for next weekend. Knowing her, she won't be ready for it. Normally, I would pick up all the slack and get things ready. I guess I should NOT help her get ready? I know she will see me not helping her and get mad at me.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
Even when our marriage was going pretty well, she would never relax with us.
It's interesting to me that you make comments like this when you also comment about how you would never spend time with her and the kids going out of town visiting relatives. After spending a weekend "single-parenting" my kids, I would not imagine sitting down to a board game with them to be a relaxing way to spend a Sunday night.
