Any Advice 2

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=gw5263]I just needed to empty it all out. everything there is something i have wanted to say to her all along, but in her current altered mental state it will not matter or have the desired effect.


She went on a walk tonight to call him ( Between 5 and 7, Lol) and when she passed the house i was on the roof making repairs. Almost sounded like they were arguing. Welcome to real life sunshine. I am still detaching, however it appears he has cancelled his plans to come up next week.

Oh NO! Trouble in paradise?? Glad you didn't fall off the roof with that going on.


WW wants to take the kids on several day trips with us to the Zoo, fort knox, and lincolns birthplace. Might be an interesting week. Just have to be patient.

you mean all together, right? It's not easy.

Here is what my DB coach told me in my own situation - sorry for the length.

About 8 weeks before h was to leave for Alaska, he had a 4 day conference in a resort area. He asked me and our 2 d's to go with him. I could not believe he'd expect that.

I thought "no way". I balked.

I mean, why fake "happy family" when the axe was going to fall soon?
I could not imagine going and rewarding him, pretending, or letting him be in denial, ETC.

My DB coach said something very different.

1) If this is your last vacation together, why not make it a good memory for your daughters?

2) why not make it a good memory for HIM so he'd have something to MISS?

And

3) to NOT fight and NOT get angry. In sum, she said my anger, however justified, was not as important as my children having a good memory with their dad and me, together.

Thanks to my DB coach, I gave it some thought.

I figured, maybe I could probably repress my anger for 4 days...for FOUR days I could probably keep my negative feelings to myself and suppress my fears,

for my daughters and for the possibility that h would later regret things, and maybe that I might even enjoy myself.

I did not realize that I might actually begin to FEEL differently by behaving differently, but it's what happened.


Also, I'm embarrassed to admit that when I contemplated doing this, I comforted myself with the thought that I could "Still be angry at h later."

It was not actually going to cost me anything to be kind and warm, or at least, neutral, for four days...

As we were driving there, I recall thinking that h was getting a bit nerdy with his arcane scientific knowledge and telling the girls about some wild life we saw.

BUT I stopped myself and instead, CHOSE to see him in a new way. (A way I used to see him).

I realized that in reality, the girls were learning from their dad. And it's a good thing that h is educated and smart. Plus I was simply being fairer to h.

Why was I seeing him so negatively before? (B/C he'd hurt me!) Seeing him negatively felt like a protective thing to do.

But it was actually destructive to our m, and that's just one tiny example of how I had let my anger poison my behavior, and what I showed the kids.

Anyhow, I forced myself to "neutralize" anything negative I thought or felt. Sometimes, I was able to convert it into a positive.

It actually got easier after only a day or so. And pretty soon, H behaved in a more relaxed way. He got happier and more positive as well. We both had some laughs too. (And some romantic moments too, believe it or not. I know, I know. )


But the girls had a very good time with him and me. We went up a mountain and rode horses. We know we count that as a very good memory. And it was something h thought about, later on. It was about 6 months later when I guess his loneliness got to him, and his calls became daily events, sometimes more than once a day. I recall him discussing the trip and maybe going back there sometime.

Give yourself a day at a time with this approach, (or a "conversation at a time") and pat yourself on the back when it works.

** Turn your anger and your pain over to God and let HIM hold onto it for you.

This is awfully heavy to carry all the time, on your own.



I went out last night for a drive and didnt bother to tell her where i was going. Came home to everyone in bed at 9pm... She asked today where i went and i just said for a drive.

She appears to be having stress related issues lately. Pain and stiffness in the neck, unable to sleep well, physically ill a lot with stomach issues..... Guilt is a powerful thing. Could be that she might be beginning to realize whats going on here in the real world. Doubt it, but maybe.


Whether it's stress, or stress from guilt of fear or pained confusion, don't fret too much about what is in HER mind. Get out of her head. How are your GAL going?