[quote=dirxml]25years Respectfully, saving a marriage at all costs is IMO, a fools errand.
I do not believe in, nor does Div Busting - saving a marriage at all costs It is NOT the goal here, nor is it mine. I filed for divorce a year ago.
If there's a typo in my previous post, or anything that suggests I believe in saving marriages at all costs, please disregard.
In the Div Busting books there is a chapter on how to handle an impossible situation,
and or
when you just can't do it anymore.
-. Insofar as saving the marriage, it sounds as if it is incumbent on him to win her back.
look, I know how much an affair ^^ can $uck. (Yeah, like I really do know). It's incredibly unfair and It's gut wrenching and
if it's an absolute deal breaker for someone - then the path is clear.
But for some people, affairs are not always deal breakers, and they can see context to it.
One night stands, or a spouse giving into temptation, versus long term deceit and planning, are just some factors to consider. So is how things were at home before the A.
There's also a philosophy about affairs, of Esther Perel that some folks follow, in which underlying reasons for affairs are explored and such. She has a TED Talk video and a book.
Maybe the first thing a spouse needs to do is decide IF IF IF they MIGHT be able to get past it.
As the Div Busting books say, any lasting reconciliation would require (as the books and MWD list) several elements for the LBS to believe in it.
But that's ^^^^getting ahead of ourselves.
GW wants the marriage to work out.
His wife does not. She's not here trying to save the marriage, and he is.
-. She should be doing everything in her power to prove to him that she wants this marriage. yes she should.
But she's not.
GW certainly has a role in fixing his role in the marriage; what's her role? Not sure if you have read the books or first came here to explore (which is fine). But the focus is - as I see it--
marriage is a relationship with 2 people.
By changing how one (i.e. us) of the people inside the marriage behaves, we can change the dynamic.
it's not about them, it's about us.
We are the focus of OUR work. Giving up the need or desire to change our spouse is a fundamental piece of this. It's hard as he11 to do.
Paradoxically we have found, generally better - not great- but better - odds at improving the marriage by working out ourselves and in time, seeing improvements in the marriage itself.
At this point, whether he wants to save it is meaningless if she is not interested.
Ah but this^^ is where DBing parts ways with what you're saying. GW only controls himself anyhow
if what he does is meaningless then he's powerless to do anything and may as well give up now and let others decide if he is allowed to be a happy man. And there's no point in him doing his own work...after all, it's all totally about how wrong his wife is...
The focus of divorce busting is unlike most approaches b/c it says WE can do something about how we are treated and that begins solely within us.
It's not about saving the marriages so much as saving ourselves.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
