Lost on how to save my marriage! 4

[Chris73]

Hi Joe. Please take my advice with a grain of salt because it's all based on hindsight and speculation.

You should consider the fact that your W has agreed to go to MC as a good sign, but be very wary of what you hope to accomplish in the sessions. I had 4 MC sessions with my W and they went from bad to worse.

I think that when one of the partners is wayward and the other is fighting to save the marriage, MC sessions have a tendency to further polarize the couple. Of course, it depends a lot on the therapist, but in my case (and from what I've read) the therapist will probably pick a side, regardless what the couple's intentions are. If the therapist is prone to believe that divorce should be avoided at all costs (with the exception of abuse or addiction) they will be slanted toward the LBS. If the therapist has more experience with advising individuals and pushes the "you should always be true to your feelings" approach, they will be slanted toward the WS.

Either way, the result ends up being two against one and if your W is already thinking about divorce, being ganged up on and put in a position to feel guilty and defensive won't help to dissuade her. Again, this is not always the case, but that's definitely what happened to me.

In one of the relationship books I read, the author used the metaphor of surgery to make this point. Imagine you are scheduled for open heart surgery but when you show up at the hospital you have the flu. The surgeon is going to cancel the surgery until you're strong enough to handle it. Same goes for MC. When a couple is in the middle of heated arguments, hurt feelings, and the revelation of infidelity, spending an hour talking about the problems in the marriage usually just makes things worse. If/when the couple's relationship is on more solid ground, spending time in therapy talking about the core problems of the marriage can be productive.

So what DO you do?

F**k! If I knew the answer to that question I might be in a different place right now. I think it all depends on your specific situation, and the choices aren't easy ones.

Sandi's advice of taking a tougher/harder stance approach is likely the best way to go if you suspect that your W is still in contact with the OM. If she is agreeing to MC but still seeing the OM it's hard to believe her intentions are genuine. You really can't work on fixing your marriage while maintaining an outside relationship. All that does is allow your W to keep her options open. And I'm definitely speaking from experience here. When my W agreed to MC I blindly accepted because I was so happy that she just wanted to try. Had I taken my blinders off I would have realized that her intentions weren't pure. FFS! A week before we went to our first MC session she went to a Halloween party with a girlfriend and hooked up with some random guy.

Again, hindsight...

On the other hand, you seem to indicate that you and your W are getting along (at least some of the time). If you can find a way to confirm that her OM is completely out of the picture you might suggest a more light-hearted activity for the two of you instead of a heavy MC session. Put the problems on the shelf, temporarily of course, and see if you can find a way to reconnect and have some fun. Get a sitter and take a couple hours to go do something together where you interact in a way that doesn't exacerbate the issues with the R. Don't go to a movie (no interaction at all), but don't just go out for dinner or coffee (too much interaction and not enough distraction). Some suggestions might be a comedy club, bowling, quizzo, painting class, yoga class, bike ride, dinner theater.

If she still insists on the MC session, tread very lightly. Let her do most of the talking and really listen. Don't interrupt with objections or corrections and don't try to defend yourself.

I hope that helps. I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction, but I'm trying to find ways to give back to the folks on this board who have all been so helpful to me.