A friend of mine was a LBH as his XW left to pursue a relationship with AP. 3 weeks later she came crawling back. He showed her the door. 6 months later she tried again. Same response. So not all LBH's want to reconsile.
Wish my WW were this smart -- no such luck. Not everyone for sure but 85-90%???. Seems unbelievable, doesn't it? Would love to have AS's input if he's reading this.
Sorry have been super busy at work the last few days. Here is my take on this from my own sitch and having talked to a lot of other LBSs that had a change of heart later- after BD our WAS is in a fog but SO ARE WE! The WAS is wearing glasses that filter out everything good about the M. The WAS only sees the bad things. They think they've always been miserable, that things were never good, they were acting "as if" things were OK but they really weren't, etc. etc. etc. The LBS is ALSO wearing glasses, but they are the OPPOSITE filter. The LBS only remembers good things about the WAS and M (at first). They think the M was nirvana and that their life will not be complete unless they can restore the M, and put things "back to normal".
Here's the thing, time fixes that. The WAS starts remembering that the M wasn't so bad after all. And the LBS starts remembering that the M wasn't so great after all. The LBS eventually comes to another conclusion- the old M is DEAD AND GONE, NEVER TO RETURN. They start to realize that even if they do recon, they can't ever trust the WAS again like they used to. And they also realize that the WAS has CHANGED, they are not the person they were before and they likely never will be again. So the LBS realizes it's no longer a question of restoring the M, but rather the issue is do they even want a new M with this changed WAS.
Again I always try to make it clear that my personal examples are a very, very tiny sampling of the world out there. I only make this point because a lot of LBSs look at statistics and think "oh wow, there's only a 1.793% chance I can save my M. What they don't realize is that quite often, that low percentage is because the LBS chose not to recon. If the LBS waits long enough they probably will get a shot at recon.
OK, so I don't share my own personal experience on this too much but here it is. After BD I was a terrible mess, I felt like my W was all there was to my life and losing her was unbearable to the point of working through various ideas for suicide. I simply could not imagine life without this amazing woman. As time went on, maybe 18 months to 2 years? I started remembering our M wasn't so great. We were both awesome parents, and we had sex with each other, but certainly there were no butterflies or even much of a feeling of affection for years and years. I remember telling W more than once going back years before BD that it felt like we were just roommates. Physically she lost her figure and her good looks, when we were married I was OK with that but after D I just felt zero physical attraction to her. The sex was boring and mundane, because she liked it that way. Missionary on the floor of the master closet with that door closed and the bedroom door closed because she was afraid the kids might hear. I am far more sexually adventurous, but again I put up with it because we were married. Anyway this post is getting pretty long so I will just say I came to the realization that I put up with a LOT of crap in the M just because we were married. It was FAR from the ideal M that I wanted. But it was what I had so I made due.
BUT when W ended it, I no longer had to just accept the status quo. And going back to the status quo ceased to be an attractive option for me. I NO LONGER WANTED TO RECON. And I still don't. THIS is the exact same sentiment I've heard over and over again from LBSs, the LBS just gets over it and moves on and no longer wants or needs the WAS. Seems like it takes about 18 months to 2 years for the LBS to get there, which is typically less time than it takes for the WAS to decide they want to recon. You can see how that schedule might result in a ton of failed WAS-initiated recon attempts.
There have been several sitches right here on these boards where a LBS in the MIDDLE of DB'ing suddenly has their WAS come back, and they suddenly go from wanting them back desperately to wondering why they wanted them back at all. It's a strange thing, like them coming back triggers an extreme distaste in the LBSs mind. Just the fact that the WAS wants back makes the LBS not want it. Strange the way our minds work!
Sorry for being so wordy, I hope that helps explain the point/ points I was trying to make!
