Limerence and My Situation 4

[Parkema]

DISAGREE...

Time is the master to our R's and whatever they evolve into NOT some ways to approach them. DB, DR 180's... Just tools for what?

I use these tool plus others to aid me. Again with TIME I'll evolve into someone who will physically and MENTALLY detach and to be brutally frank how do you know where I'm at..! I personally feel and again that's who counts here that I have indeed detached from her I'M CARING LESS AND LESS WHAT SHE'S DOING.

Time will change the dynamics of EVERYTHING it’s the law of nature, things rot and go bad. In a R it’s how this TIME is managed that counts. We must all agree that over TIME our MR rotted and turned bad, it must have or we wouldn’t be here… Unless they really are the soulmates for each other then so will theirs, limerence and the phases is based on FACT which is based on TIME.

How I choose to work through this period is based on all the information given to me from these boards, the DR book and again the FACTS and STATS of A’s.

I do care that I'm slated for trying to manage my situation in a way that gives me the best opportunity to succeed in RC AND NOT D!

Rose - "I'm not convinced" I don't care! You may have read my posts but I'm either lousy at explaining myself or you just don't understand.
• Detachment - left FH spend minutes when handing over kids. CHECK
• NC - no texts, emails, calls at all just F2F see above. CHECK
• GAL - too many to go into BUT have had to change the visitation plans between WW and I for the past 3 Saturdays due to me GAL'ing. CHECK
• 180 - staying out and away from my home over night, totally unheard of for me. CHECK

I just don't have the TIME to think about her BUT she's always there due to my situation I CAN'T CHANGE THAT.

Can you honestly say you never think about what your WS is doing even for a second, it doesn’t come into your mind..? Honestly…

I may have an issue with the realization of what she's done to me but that is only human. She was my best friend, someone I TOTALLY trusted for over 12 years...

What will happen next…? TIME WILL TELL.

M.

[sandi2]

My post may not have been read, but it was no "swing".

Originally Posted By: Parkema
Hello All,
Most vets here have lived it and are now in a place where we are not, I just feel there is too much enthuses on getting to the point of D instead of the point of RC and TO ME that’s just wrong.

I don't know who qualifies as vets in your book, but I've been here regularly posting since 2007. I certainly hope your statement about vets is incorrect. Personally speaking, I have too much to do than spend my time trying to encourage people to just go get divorced instead of reconciling.

To be fair, Mark, you have received a lot of 2x4's, but I don't think it's to persuade you to divorce. The successes we have seen comes by developing a certain mental attitude toward their particular stitch. The LRT, letting go, dropping the rope, going dark, detaching, & GAL, could be seen as pro divorce if the person did not fully understand how it actually works in their favor. But it doesn't work without "the attitude" to back it up. Call it self confidence, faith, or whatever.....you've got to go for it, believing in it all the way in order to have success.

From what I can determine from reading your posts (and I have not read every one) it appears as if you are waiting around until your W's limerence runs its course. You say you are GAL, and focus on being a great dad. On one hand, you want to know, as anyone might, what else can be done to help lead to reconciliation. On the other hand, you feel strongly about the limerence process and feel you are doing all that you can. Am I right? What I'm respectfully asking here is what do you want from the board? How can we help you......or did you come to help us?

IMHO, the board members are trying to pass along what they've read, observed, or experienced. I can see you trying to help by sharing information on the NGS and limerence. That's what we do here, try to help one another. As long as we don't get too far away from MWD's teachings, the mods seem tolerate enough.

Some people will accept what we say, and some won't. Some swing 2x4's, b/c they got it from another poster. Hey, some people interpret all my posts being 2x4's.....but that's not my intention, it's just how it's perceived. Frankly, I think I'm quite soft compared to the initial years.

I am not that big into stats, percentages, ratios, etc. I mean if there was only a one percent chance your M could be saved, wouldn't you want it?

One thing I believe in, Mark, is the ole human nature. I talk mostly about wayward women, b/c I feel I know the general mindset from personal experience, observations IRL, and years of studying and reading on the subject of waywards. In my book, human nature is going to trump all your textbook information on limerance, percentages, stats, etc.

Sorry if I'm rambling. I mainly wanted to respond to the quote above. Although I can see how a discouraged newcomer may misunderstand the approach and/or applications some of us try to communicate......I truly believe our motivation is to help people save their M.

[Maika]

Hey man! I am not sure which post of mine you're disagreeing with as I have posted a few. Just a couple of things.

As I said, I don't think you're doing anything that's anti-DB in outward execution. My only point is that I am not convinced that you can truly detach, drop the rope, and develop your authentic self unless you let her go completely and give up recon as the ultimate outcome. It may or may not happen, but you improve your chances by taking that mindset.

Do I want a recon with my W? I absolutely do at the moment. But even if I keep that buried at the back of my head, it affects my detachment and DTR process. So, for me to be faithful to the DB journey and realize that I can only control what i do, I have to look at the sitch as recon won't happen.

As i noted, lets say W wants to recon, I won't go back to the previous MR and I already know what I would need her to do. You never responded to my questions about that and I'd like you to take a look at them again.

Of course you can't completely stop thinking about her and there will be triggers, but they will fade over time as you have noted. Time is on your side.

All said - if you can DB with keeping recon as your outcome and achieve your personal goals, more power to you.

[EastTN]

It's been my experience in life that when you're arguing with the people who are trying to help you, you should take a step back and reevaluate your position. That's not to say that you're wrong, or they're wrong--we all know that we're the only one walking in our shoes, and we never can truly convey the whole story--only that you should think about where you are right now in light of the justifying you're doing, and the disagreements you have with the advice you're receiving.

[Anchor]

...the stats and “experience” on these boards would suggest MOST OF THE TIME WS would consider RC it’s just the BS has moved onto pastures new.

I have this to offer, anecdotally, in case anyone is interested:

- Neighbour - she is LBS. WH started affair May 2015, she threw him out June 2016, he broke it off with OW last week, has come begging for her back. She's not interested. No kids.

- Neighbour's neighbour - W was the LBS. WH moved in with OW. Not clear on timeline. He came back - successful reconciliation, together for decades post BD.

- Friend's MIL: WH ran off with OW when she had a baby and a 4 year old. He returned asking for a second chance 11 months later. She refused.

- Another friend: WH ran off with much younger OW, leaving her with two pre-teens. He came back a year later, broke. She told him to sling his hook.

- MIL's friend: WH ran off with OW after 30 odd years of unhappy marriage. Despite that, he did discuss coming back - they had a few dinners to talk about reconciliation. He didn't because she couldn't forgive and wanted to punish him continually. He's still with OW 14 years later. Grown children with grandchildren.

- Acquaintance 1: Her SIL ran off with OW. Came back to her daughter after 2 years. Uneasily reconciled - daughter only took him back for the sake of their young son.

- Acquaintance 2: WH ran off in classic MLC, no OW disclosed. Still separated and living separately after 8 years, not divorced, she's in a new relationship. He never came back. Grown children.

- Acquaintance 3: WH ran off with OW, settled with her for 6 years. They only ended because she cheated on him (love this story). He never came back. They have a teen-aged daughter together.

- Acquaintance 4 (actually my hairdresser): WH ran off with OW leaving her with a young son. He came back 3 months later, but she turned her nose up. He's still with the OW and they have children together now.

That makes my count 7 out of 9 WAS returning. While not as attractive as AS's 100% stat, it's still a pretty impressive 77%. Which jives with the 77% the smart contact programme puts out - maybe those people would have come back anyway?

Having said that, I am a walking living breathing story about not relying on stats. When I was diagnosed with cancer while pregnant, I went stat crazy in trying to decide what to do. I found out that to be a woman in my age group in my circumstances was a 0.03% likelihood. So if someone told you, "This is a 99.7% chance of NOT happening to you.", you would assume it's as good as never going to happen. But it did happen to me. What happened to me has a less than 1% chance happening to most women in my sitch. For that reason, stats mean nothing to me anymore. You either are blessed, or not. I do agree with Parkema that you can invite a blessing with your behaviour, which is how I read his strategy. An invitation doesn't mean a necessary acceptance, but I think as long as you have it in you, the desire for reconciliation, to act in any other way but inviting would be to let yourself down.

[Anchor]

Sorry the stat should be 99.97% chance of it NOT happening.

[Btrow]

Nice list 2016, but those were all WH weren't they. I think they a more likely to come back than WW. At least that is my experience from reading tons of posts on miscelanius boards back when my sitch was new.

[Holding]

I get the same impression as Btrow about the WH/WW differences. But AS's stats include WWs.

I think the bottom line is that the decision to come back is MUCH later than the LBS expects. It's all down to how long you can live in limbo vs. getting on with your life.

[joejoe1]

This conversation is great. The read is great. I think every approach has to be a little different for Ebert WAS. We as LBS have to examine our Sitch and make adjustments. There is no one way for every Sitch.

I also think if your detachment is coming off as cold, it would lead any person to want to move on. If you stay angry at at a WAS, why would they want to reconcile.

I have to update my Sitch on my thread, but I have seen that my wife interacts with me more, when I take a positive approach and I'm open. From reading a lot of threads on here, I think a lot of LBSs are approaching their WAS with anger. They use the DB techniques as ways to teach a lesson.

I tried using TXHubby Tech and I didn't like the outcome. I was could toward my W and that's why our M became toxic. So I refined my Tech. I don't pursue her, but I very cordial and open. Will it being her back, maybe. I'm very positive and optimistic, I don't bring up the M or R, she does.

I really feel that positive interaction brings on positive response.

Satistics are good they give us hope, but they are not end all be all. These Sitch are too dynamic and takes a lot of hard work and constant reevaluation.

We are humans and we are drawn to sin, but we are also drawn to the light. Sometimes it takes time to see the light. It a person was giving 80% of what you wanted and needed and another person gives you 20% it's until that 80 is gone until that 20 becomes a problem. So if the LBS can make up that 20 over time and it will take time then the WAS IMO will realize it, but LBS has to have some crack in the door for the WAS to come back in, if R is what they want.

[Maika]

No matter how you tweak your DB approach, in most cases having a positive and pleasant interaction is important. If you're detaching with anger fueling your efforts, you need to stop that asap. It's going to make you cold.