I would never look at the rules or MWD's advise and take them literally and or believe if I follow them religiously that things will magically get back to normal.
IMO the rules are there to basically snap you out of the marriage fog we all find ourselves in i.e. don’t go out with friends as much, maybe put a bit of weight on etc.. And to make you realise you are an individual in your own right with hopes and dreams that are independent on the relationship.
I think with a certain level of desperation, people come here looking for answers and techniques to 'fix the problem'.
When they don’t see that work or don’t make the genuine and necessary changes then they may question the validity of the information.
Even when people are saying they are GAL, I am sure a huge percentage are still doing it in the back of their mind so the WAS will notice.
To be fair to the people that have helped me, I was never under the impression that my WAS would come back, I was aiming to be the best person I could be and if she wanted to come along for the journey then that would be an added bonus.
Them changes are independent of the relationship and have affected my work, family and friend relationships.
If after truly becoming the person you want to be, for a prolonged period i.e 12 months +, then you would be ready to move on or stay single - a lot of people make assumptions when they clearly haven't done the work necessary or truly understand the difficult and self assessing journey they need to go on. Its like "I have been doing this for 5 months, nothing has changed, so it doesn’t work" - which proves in a way that once again people are focusing on the end goal (WAS back) rather than the journey at hand. i.e. they still don’t "get it"
I think it would be beneficial for all people seeking help to get through their own personal journey first and become the best person they can be first - after which reflecting on the advise would provide a much more realistic marker.
Hope that makes sense.
Mark,
Benni hit it on the head! This is precisely what the DB process is. And as Rose mentioned, you may be outwardly doing all the DB stuff, but if mentally you are not following the process - detachment, DTR, letting her go - then whatever you're doing outwardly is not going to last or remain authentic because at the back of your mind your outcomes is always recon.
I am excited to be myself again and bring out who I am. I put my needs on the back burner for too long because I didn't think my priorities mattered and I had to put being a husband and father first. Because I didn't put my needs on the table, the husband part didn't work as well.
Your best chance at recon is for you to give up that idea mentally completely. Pretend she passed away - then grieve that, and figure out who Mark is without her in his life. The advice in the past few posts is spot on and you should take it.
