Hello All, Most vets here have lived it and are now in a place where we are not, I just feel there is too much enthuses on getting to the point of D instead of the point of RC and TO ME that’s just wrong.
What do you mean with this? I have seen only suggestions that bring you closer to recon or maximizes your chances.
I seriously hope you are not trying to compete against the OM with the list of things you provided with which the OM beats the LBS. Because you will lose that battle. I personally think validation etc. does not apply on the same level when the spouse has another person supporting them emotionally. Because in my opinion that shows you are fine with the situation and accept your place as a friend, not a romantic partner. Only if the xS opens up on your R or the feelings related to it. I might be wrong, but all the recons with WWs I've seen have been on situations where the LBS didn't care about xS anymore and valued their future higher until XS did the work to win the LBS back.
I don't think speculating with statistics or chemical juices is really doing any good for you. You don't know about the future and you can't control her at all. Their R could very well be happy ever after. What I'm saying is that you should drop that speculation and continue working on yourself. Stop thinking about her completely.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Either though things are not 100% back to normal for me.. i.e. her living back in our marital home - I would say that I am probably one of the most recent moderate success stories on these boards.
We currently see each other twice a week, her wedding ring is back on and when we do have our 'date days' we sleep in the same bed that night, and speak and text regularly throughout the week - with a rough idea of December before we work towards her coming 'home' - (she is at her parents). We both are taking our time and making sure it is the right thing for us both.
When this happened in March I was an absolute wreck.
After numerous 2x4's on here in June I decided I was going to live for me and only me. As far as I was concerned she was gone.
Since then, I threw myself into work and GAL without any hope that things would work out or doing the things simply to woo her back.
On the rare occasions our paths did cross the atmosphere wasn't the same. No desperation, no panic, no ulterior motive - just me being me. It was natural; and other people (not just her), commented on how less 'intense' time with me had become and that they/she felt more at ease.
After hearing these positive comments, I didn't get excited and start hoping for recon. I pretended the previous day didn't have any meaning and just lived for the day. This kept me from 'reading into things' and kept me in the present moment.
Roughly, 7 weeks ago, I felt the tide turning. At the beginning she left because she wasn't happy with me. I was draining her of her emotional energy. Now.. she was viewing me as a happy/positive person to be around. I started to receive calls telling me that she had a bad week at work, and was I available at the weekend she we can 'chill out' together. Her perception of me as an emotional leech had changed.
I was now someone to go to relax with or share a few laughs with. Not only her but friends and work colleagues felt the change as well. Last week she came to my parents?! and this weekend I slept at her parents. point being, she is letting other people know things are going positively.
I have never chased, begged, or even thought about her coming back. It was and still is all about me.
I am very sceptical.. very. I remember saying in May this board was garbage and this sort of advise didn't work. Now, I can honestly say hand on heart - without the advise I received off this board I would be here today.
Busy at the mo but will respond to your latest "swings". Could I suggest you read some of my post though as the ONLY reason I interact with WW is for drop-off or pick-up, all the rest of the time I'm doing as prescribed.
M
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I'm not convinced that your actual exchanges deviate from DB on the outside. It's the internal processing and spin that goes against DB and makes it difficult for you to detach.
For example, saying how the OM must feel about your wife talking to you and noticing that she didn't respond to his text and wondering what that meant. Talking about wanting to be her "safe space." Didn't you at one time tell her that you would always be there for her? Post separation?
And then you saw that she'd put the OM's trophies somewhere and flipped out, right? And every time she shows any interest, you come here and ask if it's time to start pursuing and being less distant.
Your current strategy is messing with your head.
I'm not saying to be a jerk or to be cold. But stop pursuing her in your mind.
What if you thought of her as a good friend from college, maybe an ex-girlfriend, who is now in a relationship with someone else. Think of your wife like that.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I would never look at the rules or MWD's advise and take them literally and or believe if I follow them religiously that things will magically get back to normal.
IMO the rules are there to basically snap you out of the marriage fog we all find ourselves in i.e. don’t go out with friends as much, maybe put a bit of weight on etc.. And to make you realise you are an individual in your own right with hopes and dreams that are independent on the relationship.
I think with a certain level of desperation, people come here looking for answers and techniques to 'fix the problem'.
When they don’t see that work or don’t make the genuine and necessary changes then they may question the validity of the information.
Even when people are saying they are GAL, I am sure a huge percentage are still doing it in the back of their mind so the WAS will notice.
To be fair to the people that have helped me, I was never under the impression that my WAS would come back, I was aiming to be the best person I could be and if she wanted to come along for the journey then that would be an added bonus.
Them changes are independent of the relationship and have affected my work, family and friend relationships.
If after truly becoming the person you want to be, for a prolonged period i.e 12 months +, then you would be ready to move on or stay single - a lot of people make assumptions when they clearly haven't done the work necessary or truly understand the difficult and self assessing journey they need to go on. Its like "I have been doing this for 5 months, nothing has changed, so it doesn’t work" - which proves in a way that once again people are focusing on the end goal (WAS back) rather than the journey at hand. i.e. they still don’t "get it"
I think it would be beneficial for all people seeking help to get through their own personal journey first and become the best person they can be first - after which reflecting on the advise would provide a much more realistic marker.
lcause - Your response is quite easy for me to answer – I disagree!
Where..? The ONLY person I’m competing against is MYSELF in trying to improve myself to be a better H OR future partner.
Why should we not validate our WW? I’m never condoning her choice to have an A and will not validate anything about that obviously BUT her behaviour with handling the kids..? I agree with not being there to aid her emotionally that I leave for her new best friend. I just remain civil and approachable as long as my boundaries aren’t crossed.
We have children together, I have NO CHOICE but to have some contact so DTR is NOT POSSIBLE in my situation that’s just how it is nothing I can do… So I make a good thing out of a bad situation and detach as my previous posts suggest, not ideal BUT my life NOT YOURS. We all have different issues or circumstances. I’m doing a good job of DR’ing but have modified it to aid my situation – MWD “if it doesn’t work stop and do something different”, I’m still seeing no benefits to what I’m doing except no talk of D much (twice since BD and can see these coming a mile away).
I’m sorry I do thank everybody’s time and energy in aiding me in my situation BUT your views are biased to your own situations do you agree? Even the most hardened vet came to these boards relying on the vets at that time based on their experience and the good old books!
I think you’ll find what I use to aid me is based on FACT and medical study’s, you mention my reliance on this and stats what do you base your methods on? MWD will mention or refer back to limerence. You mention that their R may be the fantasy they believe it to be and will be forever, sorry the stats and “experience” on these boards would suggest MOST OF THE TIME WS would consider RC it’s just the BS has moved onto pastures new.
I continue to detach and have SC whilst having lots of fun GAL’ing and building a future with or without my WW.
Benito – thanks for your input and congratulations in reclaiming you MR back.
What you posted is very much like my situation and only differs slightly due to the nature of my ability to DTR and remain able to see our children as much as I AND WW would like.
This ^^^^^^ means I have to modify the DR principles to suit and would advise anybody else to do this also. I understand that she’s gone and the MR in her eyes is over BUT in time who knows! You are proof and some of the comments on these boards PLUS all the research would suggest RC isn’t a faraway possibility as is painted here. All I’m suggesting is that I cater my approach on RC NOT D but STILL use the DR principles that work for my situation.
Could you provide me a timeline of your situation?
I would also like to thank those on these boards as the advice I’ve received has kept me sane and pointed me in I hope the right direction.
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I would never look at the rules or MWD's advise and take them literally and or believe if I follow them religiously that things will magically get back to normal.
IMO the rules are there to basically snap you out of the marriage fog we all find ourselves in i.e. don’t go out with friends as much, maybe put a bit of weight on etc.. And to make you realise you are an individual in your own right with hopes and dreams that are independent on the relationship.
I think with a certain level of desperation, people come here looking for answers and techniques to 'fix the problem'.
When they don’t see that work or don’t make the genuine and necessary changes then they may question the validity of the information.
Even when people are saying they are GAL, I am sure a huge percentage are still doing it in the back of their mind so the WAS will notice.
To be fair to the people that have helped me, I was never under the impression that my WAS would come back, I was aiming to be the best person I could be and if she wanted to come along for the journey then that would be an added bonus.
Them changes are independent of the relationship and have affected my work, family and friend relationships.
If after truly becoming the person you want to be, for a prolonged period i.e 12 months +, then you would be ready to move on or stay single - a lot of people make assumptions when they clearly haven't done the work necessary or truly understand the difficult and self assessing journey they need to go on. Its like "I have been doing this for 5 months, nothing has changed, so it doesn’t work" - which proves in a way that once again people are focusing on the end goal (WAS back) rather than the journey at hand. i.e. they still don’t "get it"
I think it would be beneficial for all people seeking help to get through their own personal journey first and become the best person they can be first - after which reflecting on the advise would provide a much more realistic marker.
Hope that makes sense.
Mark,
Benni hit it on the head! This is precisely what the DB process is. And as Rose mentioned, you may be outwardly doing all the DB stuff, but if mentally you are not following the process - detachment, DTR, letting her go - then whatever you're doing outwardly is not going to last or remain authentic because at the back of your mind your outcomes is always recon.
I am excited to be myself again and bring out who I am. I put my needs on the back burner for too long because I didn't think my priorities mattered and I had to put being a husband and father first. Because I didn't put my needs on the table, the husband part didn't work as well.
Your best chance at recon is for you to give up that idea mentally completely. Pretend she passed away - then grieve that, and figure out who Mark is without her in his life. The advice in the past few posts is spot on and you should take it.
Hi Pal - Got told on the 18th March, started getting more positive roughly 5 months later. In the interim I have been living 35 miles away. Seeing each other maximum 5 times a month, no kids. Total blackout really. Sometimes 6 days without communication. On reflection letting go of the idea that her coming back would 'save me' was a very important and equally painful experience. But like anything in life, over time the pain dulls bit by bit until it doesn't sting anymore.
I know its different for you because you have kids, so I don't claim to know or understand your situation, and I don't claim that if you follow these words it will always be sunshine and rainbows in the end.. however the detachment aspect in itself really is a new lease of life that will more than likely open new avenues for you no matter how things end up with your W.
IMO ultimately you have to be happy with the man in the mirror. If you can wake up every day filled with happiness, content, confidence and know that you are a good person with value then your mission is accomplished.
I have had this discussion my last two IC sessions and I have come to realize that I am happy with who I am. Last Friday we spoke about my passions, goals and just life in general. I told her that I wake up happy and content every day with my life. I don't have any passions like saving the whales, etc. but does that make me a bad person? Do I need those things to live a happy and content life? For me the answer is no. I am a simple man with simple needs and she made me realize there is nothing wrong with that. I don't need all of these other distractions that life has to offer to fill my bucket especially if it is truly about me and not my W. Maybe my W wants that out of me but if I don't then the changes aren't real correct?
All of us come here looking for the magic solution. Just do you become who you want to be. I would like to lose 10 more pounds. Other than that I wake up every day happy with who I see in the mirror. I got lazy in my marriage and didn't water it enough to make it grow. We got bogged down by life and kids. I know dam well though that even though I may have got lazy in my marriage I was not bad husband or father. I never yelled, screamed, layed a hand, was controlling, I participated around the house, didn't turn to the bottle or other drugs, have been involved with my kids, etc. I could have been more engaged, I could have took better care of myself over the past year, I could of had more of a life outside of my marriage, I could have voiced my opinions more and been more direct with what I wanted. I could have done all those things and it still may not have changed I single fricken thing. I am a good provider that got lazy. How do I get it back? Maybe I am not supposed to.
I realize all that now, I don't want to lose my W and my family but I know I am a great guy with value and whether my W comes back or not I will find happiness again.
You just have to be happy with the man in the mirror. That is all you can control.
I would say the following would be the only major things in the DB approach to add on to what Benni noted when you have kids IMHO
1. Smart contact with kids exchanges and schedules 2. Holding W to the schedule and how finances are going to be shared. 3. Be proactive about communications when it comes to kids 4. Attend kid school events, if applicable, but no need to plan that with her. If she wants to come, she can show up. You can decide if you want to stand/sit together for those events - it might be good for kids to see that. 5. Have family activities if you can do it without it being emotionally burdensome - I may do dinners with W every few weeks for the kids. The only way it works for me is to totally have the DB mindset and not think that this interaction is going to move the needle. This way I can be myself and be authentic.
Outside of that, you can have NC and a version of going dark that works towards your goals. For me that is having positive interactions with W when I see her. I already told you how I manage those interactions.
