Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

[doodler]

Perhaps I'm just too rigid in my thinking. I can usually reframe abstract discussions about God into something I can relate to (the divine within us, the power of the universe, etc.), but I just couldn't relate to this group. I felt a bit like an outsider, pretending to go along with the ideas that I really don't subscribe to.

Chris73,

With regard to the religious stuff, I completely understand. I get the conceptual and metaphorical stuff, but the literal interpretation is a hard pill to swallow given that it's the 21st century. (Is that blasphemy?)

The other issue is that out of 10-12 participants, I'm the only guy.

Although, I just might be able to suffer through the religious stuff. When is the next meeting?

[Chris73]

The other issue is that out of 10-12 participants, I'm the only guy.

Although, I just might be able to suffer through the religious stuff. When is the next meeting?

And the winner of best reply of the day (or maybe ever) goes to doodler!

[Holding]

Chris, I understand your feelings on Divorce Care. It does get VERY religious at times, especially with the focus on scripture quotes (maybe that's the lax Catholic in me). I've thought about dropping too.

My favorite part of the group is when we have an open discussion following the video, and we all open up a little about out sitches and feelings. I wish the group had more of that, but it seems like that's the part that gets cut when we're running short on time.

Please share if you manage to find something you like more.

[25yearsmlc]

Went to another Divorce Care group session last night. Frankly, it was a little too "churchy" for me. I respect and appreciate the fact that these groups are provided virtually free of charge, and I don't deny anyone's right to believe/worship who/what they want. Whatever gives you genuine comfort and helps you make it through difficult days can never be bad.

That being said, in the 2-hour session (video, big group discussion, and small group discussion) we spent a lot of time praying, talking about praying, quoting bible verses, contemplating sin, and talking about surrendering to God's will as the solution for most problems.

Sorry about this^^^ experience. I have had such a different one. Yes We pray (somewhat generically) at the end of the meeting. I'm not from a family that quoted scripture much, though we attended church.

But I actually kind having a prayer when it's over, for a sense of peace. (Like I did some personal work that night, and can shelve it for some sleep).
As you said, reframing is helpful, and "Trust and faith" are things we all need really.

Also, our group meets afterwards at a pizza/beer joint near by. We have some drinks and we get real. (The leader does not attend).

That ^^^ is the most helpful for me. I have done some GAL with them too, like barbecues, a rock concert and an NFL hockey game, too. GAL is easier for me with them, for obvious reasons.


Perhaps I'm just too rigid in my thinking. I can usually reframe abstract discussions about God into something I can relate to (the divine within us, the power of the universe, etc.), but I just couldn't relate to this group. I felt a bit like an outsider, pretending to go along with the ideas that I really don't subscribe to.

The other issue is that out of 10-12 participants, I'm the only guy. So I'm still on the hunt for another support group that might be more appropriate.

Don't stop hunting. As for rigid thinking, I admit I struggled a little with it but I have opened my heart and mind to it more. (Can't hurt, can it?)
And I suspect i'd have a much harder time returning - if I did not know they are an easy going fun group.

There are some heartbreaking newbies who are not "fun" yet, but man, theyreally need the support. Their pain is quite raw. Plus I get perspective about this divorce process which helps me not screw my head in the ceiling. Some of the folks there can offer unique insight into what is a fair settlement, versus just getting what you need and moving on...

(And fwiw, some of the men in my group talk about missing their kids. They don't whine much about paying child support. I thanked them for that. I would give anything to have had a h who cared most about TIME with our children...So the group had that added value to me.) Attendance varies too. Sometimes we have more men and there are people who took the class before and revolve in and out.

Naturally my experience makes me urge you to give the group more time AND OR ask their group leader for suggestions more specific to you.

Our "leader" has pointed me in 3 directions for added help, and she's been spot on.

[25yearsmlc]

Chris, I understand your feelings on Divorce Care. It does get VERY religious at times, especially with the focus on scripture quotes (maybe that's the lax Catholic in me). I've thought about dropping too.

My favorite part of the group is when we have an open discussion following the video, and we all open up a little about out sitches and feelings. I wish the group had more of that, but it seems like that's the part that gets cut when we're running short on time.

Please share if you manage to find something you like more.

interesting. (Yes I'm Catholic, too).

I got turned off when the "sanctity of marriage" was stressed for the first 10 minutes of one video, as if I didn't already feel like crap about the divorce. Yeah, I get it. Thanks for pointing out my epic fail. But I brought it up and someone else's insight helped me "reframe it" (that's my new motto about - everything).

However their analogies often help - I like the "tornado tore your home apart, so you need tools," etc It's fitting.

For me, it's the group's bonding and social activities and friendships that have come out of it that makes such a difference. And the things I've learned about how to emotionally get through the settlement conference and legal costs, etc.

I LIKE the men in my group - but it is platonic. There is trust there. (And I suspect they'll be a great conduit to meeting OM's when I do want to date ).

What if you arrange to meet up somewhere later that night? Or some activity so there's not too much social pressure or weird expectations (make sure it's a group thing so no one gets the wrong idea).

[doodler]

What if you arrange to meet up somewhere later that night? Or some activity so there's not too much social pressure or weird expectations (make sure it's a group thing so no one gets the wrong idea).

Something like a bible study and lingerie party?

[BluWave]

I'm sorry to hear that. This bums me out. Can you get the most out out of it and also look for something else? When we were kids, my dad had a group of friends called PWP (parents without partners) and it was more than a support group, because they had social events too.

I wish there was a way that Christian based groups (or any religious groups) could incorporate their faith and teachings without indoctrination. I am having this current issue with Retrouvaille (the marriage saving program). I fully appreciate the teachings of the program, and I understand that it is subsidized and run by the Catholic Church. I have no issue with that! However, now that we are getting towards the end, the religious aspect is coming on strong. This last post session was just uncomfortable, as they sent a strong message that church and prayer is the only way to truly saving a marriage ... I can tell you as a non-Catholic, that this does not draw me towards the church, but quite the opposite and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

Blu

[Chris73]

Just venting, or perhaps lamenting?

Yesterday my W called me to discuss something with the kids. When my phone rang her picture showed up on the screen and for a split second, I totally forgot about the impending divorce. The picture is from a long time ago and I was immediately flooded with good feelings and excitement to talk to her. And then in another split second all of that dissolved and reality flooded back in. I suppose I need to clear her picture from her contact record.

Last night I had a vivid dream of spending time with my W. We were having discussions about reconciling and owning up to the things we did wrong in the first 10 years of our marriage. It was a dream I hated waking up from.

To add insult to injury she was the first person I saw this morning (due to our kid exchange). It was heartbreaking to see her after all of those good memories and realize that the person I'm fantasizing and dreaming about is gone and may never come back.

Ok, pity party over. I'm headed to the gym.

[Chris73]

Well, the gym definitely helped. I was in between sets and had an idea for "reframing" my situation...

Most of the time I feel like I've been trying to win back my W's love and attraction for me. This is clearly not working and it's making me depressed.

But as we've all discussed so many times, it's really my W's respect that I need to win back. But the catch is that winning back her respect doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage will ever be saved.

Winning back her respect means that I devote all my energy to GAL and being the best dad ever. While I'm working on my own personal GAL goals, I'll be simultaneously detaching, rebuilding my confidence, looking better, and having a blast without her. Our co-parent relationship means that she'll always be in my life to some degree, and when she's around me she needs to see me achieving these goals.

Time passes and I keep GAL'ing. I'm in better shape. I've taken over the house and made it nicer. I'm going out to play guitar more often. I'm running 5Ks (or 10Ks!). My circle of friends expands. Eventually, she sees me in a new light and realizes that I've become the man that any woman would be crazy to leave...

And then I've taken back the power. She might want me back. She might not. I might not want HER back. Regardless, it's a win-win.

I know that most of you folks have been telling me this over and over again, but I think I really needed to get to the point where I believed it to be the only real solution.

[Gordie]

Chris,

I’m in the same place. Trying my best to act as if I am dropping her. I do deserve better than this. You do too.