Limerence and My Situation 4

[AnotherStander]

So you didn't even bother to ask your own brother in that little survey you made back then

Correct. My brother was hurting more than anyone I've ever seen go through this. He got into a very bad place, worse than most here. He still can't talk about it. I should have specified that "as far as I know" she never reached out. I don't include him in the sitches I mention because (ironically since he's my brother) I know very little about his sitch. But thank you for letting me know you're stalking my posts, I'll sleep with one eye open from now on, LOL!

[Btrow]

Haha AS, no I am not stalking anyone. That's just a sideeffect that comes from you writing memorable posts.

As for your brothers sitch, I'm sorry for him, but yeah, some guys (probably girls too) suffer extremely hard, and for ages. A friend (and co-worker) of mine actually wrote "goodbye notes" for his kids when he was BD'ed some 5 years ago. Thankfully he never followed through.

[Painful]

I have a timeframe I’m working towards after this point and if the A continues then I look at it differently with a different approach, let’s hope I don’t get to that stage…

Mark, I know you won't reveil your timeframe, but maybe you could give us a small hint. Are we anywhere near, well.. the 36 month mark?

Is 3-year timeline a pretty common benchmark with WWs or WAWs? It sure seems that way. I've seen it a couple of times here, heard it mentioned by other marriage coaches (at least 1), and also personally know of two couples with WAWs (no infidelity befire S though as far as I know) who reconciled after about 3 years as well. Any input from the board vets on this based on what they've seen here over the years?

[CW2017]

CW – Respect is key here, look into the boundaries thread here and research it “cake eating” is a key issue, we need to look at our situations much like being on a see-saw we need to gain that balance. We can’t have the cake eating as that can go on forever, who would blame someone having the best of both worlds? The DR’ing detachment, NC needs to be adhered to BUT catered for OUR particular situation. Am I right in saying you live in the same house still? I was in this situation and asked WW to leave and be with AP/LO, she refused and it started to get very stressful/toxic for my boys and I so had no choice but to move out of the FM for OUR own sanity.

Hi Mark
domestic setup is my W, DD and MIL under the same roof. This makes the whole thing rather tricky to say the least. But things are really intimate now (much before than before BD) and I have really stepped up. I am just, without rug sweeping or NG "nicing" a resolution, carrrying on until things take a turn for the worst as it is a very important time period for my DD at the mo.

see ya

[Btrow]

Painful, I have no evidence of any 3 year mark, I was just referring to the timeline of limerence (if you read all of Parkema's/Mark's posts you'll know why). Limerence usually lasts a maximum of 36 months.

The number of reconsiliation stores here and elsewhere are so few and far between, that it is difficult to draw any conclusion from them.

[Painful]

Painful, I have no evidence of any 3 year mark, I was just referring to the timeline of limerence (if you read all of Parkema's/Mark's posts you'll know why). Limerence usually lasts a maximum of 36 months.

I know - that's who I meant as 1 coach who talks about limerence (i don't think we're allowed to mention names). He does talk about 36 months max even though I heard 48 mos in one of his podcasts. That's the max though, and I'm sure Mark as well as the rest of us hope for a much shorter timeline. I'm about 8 mos into S and the max timeline is definitely daunting.

[Painful]

The number of reconsiliation stores here and elsewhere are so few and far between, that it is difficult to draw any conclusion from them.

It sure does look that way, doesn't it? That's why I was VERY surprised when I read AS's message:

"I've related this story before in other threads, but back when I was going through S and D I spent a lot of time asking my male friends and relatives about their own divorces. These were all guys that had a WAS, not the other way around. None of them were DB'ers, but some of them just naturally took a DB approach while others did not. Now granted this is a small sampling, I think we're talking about 15 people. Of those, only 2 of them reconciled. So that would be, 13%? So you might look at this and say "AHA AS, see I told you, even in your own experience barely more than 10% reconciled!!" [b]But guess what, I asked all those LBS's how many of their WAS's approached them about recon. Are you ready to hear this? 100%. Every last one of them"[/b]

I think most of us assume the low R rate is due to WW/WAW's leaving for good, moving on, and never looking back wanting to recon. AS's message goes completely against it whereas 13 out of 15 LBHs didn't want to R. Can that be true? It certainly blows my mind and I'd think the same could be said for Parkema, Btrow, and dozens of other LBHs currently posting here with their stories.

[Btrow]

I think most of us assume the low R rate is due to WW/WAW's leaving for good, moving on, and never looking back wanting to recon. AS's message goes completely against it whereas 13 out of 15 LBHs didn't want to R. Can that be true? It certainly blows my mind and I'd think the same could be said for Parkema, Btrow, and dozens of other LBHs currently posting here with their stories.

I think more or less all posters here come/came to save their M. If we werent, we wouldn't be here. So we are not really a representative sample of LBH's. And some months/years down the line, some of us will turn down the opportunity of R, should it arise.

A friend of mine was a LBH as his XW left to pursue a relationship with AP. 3 weeks later she came crawling back. He showed her the door. 6 months later she tried again. Same response. So not all LBH's want to reconsile. (10 years later she is married to AP btw, so plan A turned to plan B and back to plan A. So she had to settle for AP. Ironic, isn't it....)

[Painful]

A friend of mine was a LBH as his XW left to pursue a relationship with AP. 3 weeks later she came crawling back. He showed her the door. 6 months later she tried again. Same response. So not all LBH's want to reconsile.

Wish my WW were this smart -- no such luck.
Not everyone for sure but 85-90%???. Seems unbelievable, doesn't it? Would love to have AS's input if he's reading this.

(10 years later she is married to AP btw, so plan A turned to plan B and back to plan A. So she had to settle for AP. Ironic, isn't it....)

10 years is a long time. Wonder if she's happy your buddy didn't take her back or just stuck w AP?

[BluWave]

Hey, did you guys know that 70% of statistics are made up on the spot!?! ....