WAWWAW? Woul? Would Love Opinions. Thanks! Part 7

[TBSakaJ9]

Um, as for the "NG - Nice Guy" concern, have you read that book? (The title is misleading & the term "nice guy" can be a misnomer). I'm confused by your use of it when it comes to the finances and wanting to rescue her.

Yes, I have read the book. Thanks for the clarity, we get a lot thrown at us and I guess at the end of the day I don't want her to think of me as being weak because when she comes to me with a need (financially) I have supported her during this separation. How does this help her feel that she is loosing me when I support her? Does that make sense????

Then I think about this part of detaching:

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

So, of the things your w felt were missing in the m and with which you agree - how's that going?

The first time she told me she wanted a D she told me I needed to be more of a leader. She never did elaborate. Then she told me I didn't challenge her to be a better person, that I needed to lose weight, I needed to get off my computer, I needed to change my socks. She told me she knows that I would love her for the rest of my life and there are 95 reasons why she should be with me but something was missing and she couldn't put it into words. She told me I was a great provided, father and is the best sex she has ever had Every time I pressed her on it she couldn't put it into words what was exactly missing she just said I know in my bones it is not going to work. Gave me the I am not attracted to you any more, bored, ILYBNILWY speech and every time I pressed her for examples she got mad. I did snoop for OM but never did find anything.

So since all of this has transpired I have taken care of myself physically by going to the gym, I have lost weight, got new clothes, new haircut etc. I have been taking my kids to church every Sunday and have them enrolled in choir. I have been reading self-help books on relationships as well and personal development. Most of my focus has been on my physical appearance and I know probably my biggest opportunity is to be more engaged and always present myself in an attractive manner. I got lazy.

And are you GAL? The more you do that, and the less you obsess about her, the more detached and less likely to engage in the whole "teach her a lesson" deal.

GAL has been working out, going out with friends here and there, I took a trip last month out of town. I also signed my D's and I up for some cooking classes. I really enjoy working out and being physically engaged so that has been my primary source of GAL. Anything active I really enjoy.

Something my DB coach said long ago that resonated to me,

was that "it's not the spouse's job to teach their h/w lessons, or to 'show them consequences of their choices. Life does that."

I like that and agree I have really tried hard to not make this punitive for my W. I just think about it in context with making her feel like she is loosing me and should that tie to finances and not rescuing her?

If you truly do become the best version of yourself, the best Joseph9 you can become

then you can turn the marriage over to God & hold your head high.

I have thought long and hard about this and even have had the discussion with my IC about who I am. I really don't know what else I can do. At times I really feel as though I have turned it over to God already. My neighbor came over the other day and told me how awesome of a guy I am and if anything ever happened to him he would want me to take care of his W and kids because he thinks that highly of me and how I have carried myself through this situation.

I am always searching for what else I can do to improve on but I am really struggling with that piece.

Any suggestions?



10/5/17
7:59

Just some morning journaling before I get ready for work:

I find if interesting that my W has put her own boundaries in place. For example.

- Yesterday she cam over to the house. The garage door was open but instead of just letting herself in through the garage door she goes to the front door and knocks.

- While at the house she had to go to the bathroom. She went to the spare bathroom and shut door so I guess I wouldn't see her. While together the door was always open.

- Our youngest D got sick yesterday and is staying home today. Last week my oldest got sick and stayed home from work. My W made it a point this time to ensure that she was the one to stay home. I got the feeling she wanted to make sure she was pulling her own weight.

Any way my oldest has pictures today at school, she is in 3rd grade and has really started to be concerned about what she wears. She didn't have any dresses and she really wanted to wear one for picture day. So guess who took her shopping last night after work for a dress???? You guess it me! Normally that would have fell to my W but it was really fun and afterwards we went and got yogert.

I guess I better get used to as this appears to be my new norm! W enforcing her own boundaries and taking my D dress shopping! What is going on !!!!! RC seems so impossible at this point in time. Not because we fight or argue, that has not happened since she moved out. She is just very business like with really having no emotion. It seems like she is a pro at this arrangement and is totally settled with it.