Rebuilding my life #2

[lcause]

Journaling:

I agreed to take a bigger part in my D's hobby for the weekend and it made me feel good. Previously I shifted all that every time for my XW when it was "our" turn but now I want to beat my "fear" and do it myself. She actually texted me and said that she can take D this weekend to the hobby but I denied and thanked her saying I'm fine.

This all seems so off at times. It's like I would be living the life of someone else. Emotions shift from high to low so quickly. Even going as far as feeling the rejection, remembering how my messages would be the first ones to be answered and now I can see her status going online and back to last seen without even an answer to me after I've sent a message to her (to something what she actually asked first and I had to provide a question as an answer). It's so off how this can happen in just mere months. I didn't mention this earlier but during one of the clingy moments my XW said she was still really happily married to me when she got pregnant. So she hasn't felt this way for THAT long. I have a suspicion that OM played a huge role in the D ("you deserve better" "i'm here for you" yadayada). While OM is just a symptom of a bad M, not the cause of the D, if there was no OM I think we could have had a chance to work out our issues. She also claimed to have started talking with OM AFTER BD but I don't believe in it... doesn't matter anymore though. I've been a bit "furious" today reading Mark's thread how he is mentioning about statistics and so on. A relationship is a relationship, no one knows about the future. Rebound and affair relationships can work too and exes might never have any sort of regret. It's too comforting to rely on the statistics and shift your mind to hope for a future instead of using that mind power to concentrate fully on yourself. The same applies for when people talk about "karma" or believing that "everything has a reason" - yeah, marriages end because either one of the spouses had a reason. It doesn't end because there's something better waiting for you...

I actually cleaned up AGAIN today, did the dishes, took the car to inspection, went to get a haircut, took D to school, went to eat alone in a restaurant, spend time outlining my goals, gathered some phone numbers to call for work, continued my program I've been programming, brought my exercise bicycle here and just now starting the HIIT exercise. Funnily enough, I saw an article talking about "soft HIIT practice" and I had to chuckle a bit... So this day has been quite productive for me. Starting to believe more and more in 25s and B's points

Today was the first day I've checked a girl in a "I would totally bang her" -way. I haven't felt that even once since BD. This chick was hot. I was actually quite concerned about why I haven't felt this way about any girl but finally I had that feeling kicking in.

I miss my kids so much. D was here last night and S was here too yesterday. I feel like my XW is somehow "checking me out" each time I go there, as if she would try to pick up some subtle cues? I'm just paranoid, seeing patterns where there are none... Hey is my brain filled with dopamine now? I also HATE how amicably this is going currently. We are like best buds when it comes to sharing things about kids.