Hi Mark. Let me try and answer your questions first and then I have a few of my own.
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“Assuming we don't recon, which is what I am going to assume to move forward.” So you act as if it’s over..?
Yes, I am acting as if it's over. There is no going back to the previous MR and I wouldn't want to. I am acting as if she's completely done for now. Which she is - she told me in the clearest way possible: "for me this separation is permanent". Does this mean that it is going to end up in a D - I have no idea at this point. We all know that WW/WAS change their minds and the point of DB is to be the attractive option for her in the end. However, I am not waiting for her to realize that I am the attractive option because then I am not making changes for myself, but for her to change her mind. I am doing things just for me and if she ever wants to recon, I will have to assess how I feel at that point in time. I can tell you that I am not ever taking her back without her putting in some serious work. I won't go back to the previous MR.
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I prefer to work on the premise that I’d rather work towards RC than D
I get it, but you don't have control over that. You could DB the hell out of everything and she won't take a second look at you. She has to come to a point for herself, and nothing you can do or say will make her change her mind. It has to be organic from within herself. If you work on yourself with the premise that there will be RC, you're setting up yourself for disappointment, which goes completely against trying to detach yourself from the sitch and her. I personally think you have to let go of it, or else it will dictate everything you do because you have some expectation at the end, even if it's a teensy weensy one. It will cause you more hurt.
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Maika you mention this ^^^^^^ how does this view and the DR principles fit in with your situation? Do you “cut your WW out” or modify the principles to allow for RC?
So, the old me would have been "see ya goodbye and I don't ever want to see your face and I won't even tolerate your physical presence". With me trying to improve myself in conflict management and not burying emotions, I am using a very slow approach with W that also incorporates DB principles. So, I don't initiate anything unless it's kids or business stuff. If she asks me any questions, I give her answers but I don't blabber my mouth off. For e.g., she asked me the other day how often I was going climbing. I told her that I try to come as often as my body can handle it. I didn't tell her exactly like 2-3 times a week or whatever. I also talk to her in a very chill and positive manner so as not to appear dismissive. I also reciprocate - if she asks me about my day, I respond and ask her the same. I don't get beyond that, but I go beyond just being civil. I am more relaxed and positive. If she talks to me about anything in her work and uni, I actively listen and validate. I don't ask follow-up questions on whatever she's saying unless it makes sense. I don't probe but I am not dismissive.
This allows me to have that positive interaction with her that is genuine for me and I can be authentic. It also allows me to protect myself emotionally as I don't read into anything she says or expect her to change her mind about the separation.
With my rebuilding the relationship with my 2 friends, it's completely different because I can go at an accelerated pace with them as they are my friends. With W, I first protect myself emotionally.
So, going back to my previous post, you didn't answer my questions. I am going to put them back again.
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what are your non-negotiable requirements to take your W back? Are you prepared to take her back even if the dynamics of your previous MR haven't changed? If she doesn't agree to do the work with you and/or does it half a$$ - would you still keep her to keep your family intact? I get that you want to stand for your MR, but at what cost? What does she need to do get you back?
One more comment
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My family and my MR IS EVERYTHING at this present time
I think most folks here would probably share that sentiment. But, what troubles me with that statement is that you are banking who you are and what your identity is on family and MR. Yes, you have roles in those relationships that are super important, but who are you? Who is Mark outside of that? How does Mark derive happiness in life that is not reliant only on family and MR?
I love my kids to death and they are a huge source of happiness in my life, but they don't define who I am. I was co-dependent in my MR and I lost who I was in those years. Now I am getting back to myself and I realize that there is so much inside of me that gives me happiness - who I am as an individual.
Get rid of possible outcomes from your thinking - RC or D. I think that is fundamental. Yeh, we're trying to bust our separations and potential divorces, but the DB process is where our chances really improve to do that. If you don't drop the rope and detach completely, I don't know how you're improving your chances.
