Hey Mark - thanks for the explanation. I think it clears it up further than some of what you have written on this in the past.
I think what you're describing as smart contact sounds pretty good to me. I sense that you've gotten tons of 2x4s because you've paired it up with standing for your MR and being the best option - but I guess the way you described it looked like you were doing all of this to entice your W back, rather than just doing it for lasting internal changes and truly becoming detached. But I sense a change in how you're talking about it now.
I get the standing for your MR and that you want to be able to stand tall and say that you did everything possible - and that is extremely admirable and what we all want to be able to say.
Quote:
The key thing here is if at that point where the WS realises they’ve made a mistake and look to RC we don’t continue to stand for our MR and move on in life the possibility has gone! I intend to do all I possibly can to keep my family together, I won’t have anybody tell me or me question myself that I didn’t do everything I could to RC.
Let's say this happens - what are your non-negotiable requirements to take your W back? Are you prepared to take her back even if the dynamics of your previous MR haven't changed? If she doesn't agree to do the work with you and/or does it half a$$ - would you still keep her to keep your family intact? I get that you want to stand for your MR, but at what cost? What does she need to do get you back?
I think this is the crux of maybe what the critiques have been about - your overarching goal is to keep the family intact (nothing wrong with that), but that supersedes everything, maybe even including your own personal sanity and needs in life from a future relationship. And this is where I see that you put yourself at risk for the next BD because if you've taken her back and things are essentially the same, then it's just status quo with a blip that happened. As you very well know in your sitch, it's not a blip, but a massive earthquake that ripped you out of your own home. Is your desire to keep the family intact putting you and your kids sanity and wellbeing at risk again?
I am just asking these questions to get a sense of where you're at and what you want to do. I think that you have to get over the fact that if you don't drop the rope, you're a failure and that you didn't do everything to save the MR.
As to smart contact, I essentially agree with your approaches. one of my main goals is to do a 180 on a survival behaviour that I have cultivated over my lifetime - cut people out who betray my trust. I am working to not do that because it's not a real way of managing conflict and I just bury the issues rather than tackle them head on. My IC is working with me on this and I am putting this into practice with friends and family. I had a bit of a falling out with two really good friends, but I have started rebuilding that relationship after 2 years of basically cutting them out - huge change for me.
With W, I never initiate anything unless it's about kids or business stuff. When I see her, which is rare now, I am upbeat and positive and chill. My smart contact approach is to not cut her out and see how I can work through my feelings over time to see if she will have a place in my life. I don't know what that will look like in the future - assuming we don't recon, which is what I am going to assume to move forward.
I think the real change here is that my smart contact has the foundation of detachment underneath it. It allows me to have authentic interactions with her where I am not worried about how she will react to things, or that I am doing things to get her back, even if I am trying to play positive and chill. I think this detachment piece with smart contact is important because it allows you to take the edge off and you really come to a place where you can just be you without worrying about consequences or effects of your actions and words. I am also able to truly relax and be myself in these situations.
