Limerence and My Situation 4

[Parkema]

Hello All,

I’m trying to refrain from giving my advice on these boards because it VERY subjective and should be taken with a pinch of salt!

EastTN – I appreciate your views and would agree I’m spending time looking at the A in the hope that it will fail BUT A’s do end. I won’t go into statistics but they either end or turn into regrettable long term R’s (regrettable to the WS), being analytical I also realise the chances of RC but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t work at it…

AS – To be clear, what I’m doing regarding working to save my MR is for me NOT my WW. She is TOTALLY oblivious to it, I hardly talk or see her except for drop-off and pick-ups it’s then where my SC kicks in.
Pursuit comes from HER she comes to me NOT the other way around the confusion I get from these boards happens at that point! I don’t stonewall her or give her the cold shoulder but show her a confident, cool, calm and classy (4 C’s) individual who’s moving on with his life. Always smiling always happy BUT always willing to listen and validate.

AS you mention your brother’s wife was involved in an A and has been for a long while can I ask whether your brother is now in a stable R? I ask because as you’ll know statistically the WS do regret their choices especially when the BS has moved onto another. By this time it’s too late to RC and they then fall back to their original AP/LO or onto another, wash rinse repeat...!
The key thing here is if at that point where the WS realises they’ve made a mistake and look to RC we don’t continue to stand for our MR and move on in life the possibility has gone! I intend to do all I possibly can to keep my family together, I won’t have anybody tell me or me question myself that I didn’t do everything I could to RC.

Btrow - “I once read on another forum that you should take a John Wayne kinda approach. Polite, but firm. I like that approach.”
EXACTLY. This is the approach I take with my WW, ONCE SHE COMES TO ME (please stop with me pursuing her it doesn’t happen ever) I just act civil around her keep my boundaries in place and remain firm if she tries to disrespect me ESPECIALLY if this was to happen in front of anyone, shot down immediately. I wouldn’t suggest the right word is “nice” please see above about how I act when we have the inevitable face-to-face.
Ask yourself this question – what did the AP/LO do to turn your XW away from you? I agree 50% of the problems in my MR is my responsibility and I’m working on that BUT imagine the scenario between the both of them at the beginning of their EA>PA. Attitude, attention to detail, total compliance, emotional support and validation, it goes on and on. What do WE do? Vanish, don’t talk, and keep it business like if we do talk. I know why we do this ^^^^ BUT comparing the two scenarios no wonder the AP/LO wins! < Yes I’m fighting for my MR.

Maika – Pursuit again!!! Please I wish I could invite you all around and see a typical “hand-over” of our children. As LRT would suggest I am nowhere around when it’s my turn to have our boys stay over. I’m out of sight but obviously not out of mind as she’ll COME TO ME. When I don’t have the boys stay with me it basically ends up with goodbyes to the boys and a civil “are you okay” to the WW. Could you point out where I’m pursuing here… Maika could you expand on your smart contact approach?

CW – Respect is key here, look into the boundaries thread here and research it “cake eating” is a key issue, we need to look at our situations much like being on a see-saw we need to gain that balance. We can’t have the cake eating as that can go on forever, who would blame someone having the best of both worlds?
The DR’ing detachment, NC needs to be adhered to BUT catered for OUR particular situation.
Am I right in saying you live in the same house still? I was in this situation and asked WW to leave and be with AP/LO, she refused and it started to get very stressful/toxic for my boys and I so had no choice but to move out of the FM for OUR own sanity.

I STILL get 2x4’s from the board for doing this BUT I live my situation NOT THEM, I know it would have been better for WW to move out but she was having none of it and continued the A. If I had stayed there my children and I would have suffered massively.

Please read what the vets say here and read the book (although there is very little regarding WW), as I mention at the beginning of this post what I do I do for me BUT it’s based on research from experts in this field, medical studies and poles of people who are or have been in our situation, but again I’m no expert and am living my situation. Most vets here have lived it and are now in a place where we are not, I just feel there is too much enthuses on getting to the point of D instead of the point of RC and TO ME that’s just wrong.

I’m preparing for the hits now… Just my opinion!

M.