I read back your whole thread to get to this point just in case I misconstrued your words. I don't think I have.
Through out your thread here there are numerous pejoratives attached to your wife, a lot of "she's so crazy" implications.
The only thing you seem to want to work on, in you, is your tactical approach. Oh, and for you to stop needling her, which for some reason you believe is hilarious even when it's obvious it hurts her and the marriage. That is on you. (Which is good news in a way, b/c you can actually do something about it. No more helplessness).
The dynamic you have, (and maybe it's both of you), is to use passive aggressive snarky insults under the guise of "just joking!" That seems to substitute for true conversations, unless you have those too, and just don't tell us.
I've mentioned we don't really talk. We did argue about our problems in the M. She was never wrong, and didn't change anything. I realize now that my possibly passive/aggressive comments would come out. For a long time I didn't even know what passive/aggressive really meant, and still don't have a great handle on the term. I look it up and it points to a list of things I didn't do, and actually she is doing almost all of them now, but whatever. I know I would make some sort of comment to her, borne out of frustration, and not be fully aware of what I was doing.
From what I can tell, you don't seem to think it's mean spirited or unhealthy.
You do some manipulative things as well, but I don't want to go point by point.(The comment to your boys about how they (and they alone) are THE 2 (and only 2) things that make you happy is so transparent, I'm surprised you don't see it. I get the feeling you are blaming your w again, for damage to come. And you don't think you are playing a role in this at all. But you are.
I addressed the comments to the boys in the earlier thread.
Just wondering if maybe some of the labels you attach to her, really help you at all.
One of my goals of these posts was to find someone with experience in a similar BPD traits situation, or at least leave a trail for someone in my position down the road. I also hoped to learn what my chances were. You may think my comments are hyperbole, but they're not.
Seems to me she's had enough of the nasty critical commentary and you don't know another way to communicate. That is a fundamental problem, and an unloving dynamic. And it can be changed.
I'm sure she has.
But you are the broken piece that is not getting needed repairs. That is partly b/c you are too busy pointing out how your "MLC/BPD Wife" is the broken rusty fundamentally flawed, poorly designed wrench in the engine. I think you really do want the marital dynamic to change. I suggest you Stop working on changing her. Change you.
And see this^^^ as the gift of empowerment, that it is. This is not hopeless, far from it. But work on what you can control - you - and look in the mirror for some of the issues in the m.
Yes I understand that DB is a process to work on you and not change the other, overtly at least. You seem to have a way of stating the obvious and turning it into an insult; even on matters where I have already stated I'm working on it. I'm the broken piece? Have you read the thread? I understand the concept of 2x4, and that you are an old timer. But you seem to be missing the mark here. And if this is an attempt at overshooting to make the 2x4 hit harder, I think you need to rethink your strategy. I've re-litigated this R, in light of your remarks trying to find a way to make it logically follow that I'm the broken piece and all of the W's actions are a result of this. So I make passive aggressive comments and it results in all of the W's behavior? If you simply take spouse A and list her behavior, and spouse B, and list his behavior; it becomes pretty clear who caused what. The end result is I was pi$$ed off for two days on vacation having relived the R. The further I get from the R, the more screwed up I realize the whole thing was. I don't think it is a coincidence that the whole thing fell apart once I caught on and wasn't being duped by her explanations on why everything was my fault. What kind of relationships did you have with your siblings growing up? And your parents? How was forgiveness modeled?
My siblings were 12 and 14 years older than I. They're crazy about me and acted almost like second parents. My parents love me. No doubts there. Through and before this my dad has become my best friend in a way. He gives to me all he can. It's become no secret that I'm mom's favorite.
Forgiveness? I can't remember it being modeled. My dad likes to joke that once you're on mom's bad side, it is too late. My sister too. It is just in them. My dad is forgiving. I've had to forgive friends for past indiscretions and done it just fine. I've forgiven past girlfriends too.
Were there many compliments given? And how were those compliments, if any, received? A gracious "thank you" or a dismissive redirection or what?
I don't remember many specifically. I was praised generally for being smart, for being a good soccer player, for being a good singer, for being a good boy and well behaved. To others dad was always extremely complimentary, my mom was not. It is hard to get a compliment from her, although she's changed in old age. Dad is dismissive of the compliments he receives, then says thank you.
Dig deep.
If you really want your m to work, there are some fundamental changes you can make that will improve all of Your r's in life.
Do you live on the west coast or east? There are workshops that can help you with this. I think their continuity (a few days in a row, as opposed to weekly therapy) can help you see the path of your comments BEFORE you make them. Learn new positive loving ways to communicate and establish healthy boundaries without tearing anyone else down.
If you are witty, there are ways to enjoy a good sense of humor and laughter is incredibly bonding.
Learn to replace the pattern of "zingers!" into a healthier kinder more loving relationship.
I happen to believe your w wants that^^^. I don't think she's crazy or selfish. Or at least not in an extreme way. At least not from what I'm reading in these posts.
I think she craves intimacy without all the jabs. Those comments eat away at our self esteem until we become people we never wanted to become. Angry, defensive, over reactive. Clearly those are protective tools.
People can change. You can learn to reframe your commentary and negative views of her - which set you up for jabbing her and sets her up overreact, (& then you point out her reaction to your innocent "kidding" to justify your negative perceptions of her.)
AND Then, Rinse, repeat.
What are you doing to change how You interact with her? And to see your motivations?
Also I hope you won't make anymore remarks to your kids which are thinly veiled jabs at your wife. It really is not good for them. And they are learning how to treat their future wives, from you. Think about that.
Hang in there, you can change the course of this ship if you truly truly want to.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
