My happiness (I'm kind of too happy about vacay to be mean to)and being a little bit conversational (as opposed to saying nothing) has had the effect of her talking more also. She did talk to me about a few things that weren't "business" related, and really personal. So this actually meets a goal, and I think I came close to the goal not to kid her. I failed the goal, but I don't think I made her angry with the kidding....
"kidding" that even risks making the other person angry (which usually covers the hurt) is not humor.
It's insulting or degrading in some way, to them. And it is done without you owning it, under the guise of "kidding."
Even if it were witty, it's at her expense. Stop it.
I'm going to assume you weren't being clear here. Most humor could be offensive to someone. I understand this is good advice to not make your W unhappy, as I mentioned earlier. I'm not going to go so far as to agree that any comment is inappropriate if the other person deems it so. When taken to far, this line of reasoning makes no sense.
The other edge to the conversational sword is it gives more opportunity for her just under the surface anger towards me to come out, and it has a few times.
what is the upside to arousing her anger?
It is the other side of the sword. The double edged sword? There is no upside. It is the negative result of this approach.
No big blow ups, but I did respond to her statement made out of frustration about me sleeping in the basement with "That's not happening." These little disagreements are very much in the pattern of the old R, but now I'm putting up with very little BS. I do need to stay zen, and I need to seem more interested when her stories get dumb
Do you like your w? -
She was supposed to work on her resume Monday, but that didn't happen. Seemingly the fault of the other party, but with W there is always an excuse. Again, do you like your w? You sound quite critical of her, which is why I ask.
Like I've mentioned before: I like her when she can be friendly, but I don't like her when she is cold and bishy. Lately, no, I have not liked her.
On tugging on my heartstrings front. The boys have been so cute lately in "family" ways. Ways that won't be the same when we split. Family is a big deal to them. They have friends, but no best buds.
Both my boys jumped on my lap, "Daddy!" I told them that they were the two things that made me happy, then my eldest brings up "What about mommy?" At least they don't know what is happening yet!
what was the goal of saying that? Why not just say you love being with them?
I have a very long version, and a long version. Here is the long version: Years ago I told my S9 that he made me happy, and he perked up, "Really?" he said. I've been saying it to them ever since. This was all pre-BD. I say this to them because it is true. Why don't I just say I love being with them? Because I could say that to anyone. It isn't special. But I couldn't say to anyone else what I say to them. They need to be reminded of their value with the upcoming D. I was confident and knew my self worth as a teen and it kept me out of all kinds of bad and extremely tempting situations. S9 struggles with his worth and needs to know that someone thinks the world of him.
I ended that convo with my son with "And mommy too" Even though that was a complete lie.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
At least they don't know what is happening yet! 