Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H and I have been married 13 years. 2nd marriage for both of us. We both have 2 children each, all out of the house on their own.
For 10 years we had a great marriage. Then 3 years ago, H got a great job opportunity that we decided to take, so we moved from Alabama to New Jersey, and he went to work in NYC. Huge salary change, huge job change, but great apartment right on the Hudson with view of NYC. To say our entire lives were upended would be an understatement.
Looking back, it was too much, too quickly. We should have started in MC, just to be better able to handle all the changes. The first year, we had a steady stream of family and friends visiting, and we did all the touristy stuff with them. Then H's younger sister had her cancer return, and we came back to AL to spend her last month with her. We still owned a small business in AL which I ran from NJ, and just a crew do the actual physical work. While we were here for H's sister, we realized that my "crew" was not doing the job they were portraying to me, and I knew they would need more supervision. Rather than shuffle around in relative's homes and/or hotels, we rented a small apartment here to use as a part time office for me, and I began spending a good bit of time here cleaning up the business. We did that for a year, and the time spent apart began to take its toll on us, although we didn't recognize the red flags.
Last year in October we found a foreclosed house here in AL, and decided to buy it, give up the apartment, and re-do the house. The plan at the time was to flip it, but we both fell in love with it, so decided to fix it up and use it as an office/2nd home for when we were here, and eventually retire here.
When I flew back to NJ at Christmas, something had changed. H was not himself. In what seemed like overnight, H distanced himself from me. When pushed about why, he confessed to a one night stand and said he needed some time apart. He admitted to drinking too much, and appeared to be very depressed and full of shame and guilt. I agreed to return to AL and give him some time. I was shocked and hurt, but truly believed him when he said we could work through this, if I was willing to take him back.
That turned into about 4 months of NC. He dropped all communication with not only me, but his family here in AL. He was given new, more demanding responsibilities at his job, and seemed to be living for only that. About April, he began to contact me, a little at a time, and started asking about us spending some time together. After I agreed, he planned a visit here, which over the course of the next 2 months, he postponed 4 times. It was a very roller-coaster time for me, the whole limbo kind of thing.
In many ways, it was harder than the NC, because now there was some hope for R, where before it had seemed to be over for good.
Then over the 4th of July, I discovered that he had flown to Dominican Republic with another woman. I broke into his phone records and realized he had a daily texting dialogue going on with her, that dated back to about late March.
I flipped my lid, told him I was filing for D, and went to see a lawyer, who drew up D papers. H turned 50 that month. Also found out he was going to be a grandfather. The lawyer did a horrible job with the D papers, and after several weeks, I fired him and found another one.
During that time, H came to AL to go with his extended family on an annual beach trip. While he was here, I asked to see him, to discuss D options. We spent an afternoon together, and realized maybe neither of us was quite ready to throw the M out just yet. Since then, he has come back twice and spent a week each time.
That's where we are right now. I still have an appt. with the new attorney Nov 6, and I've asked H for us to take a break, think about the visits and all that was said between us, and try to both get a clearer view of what each of us wants for the future.
I don't know if he is still in contact with OW. I don't look anymore. I'm living my life for me right now, and not giving him free rent in my head, although it's a struggle for me.
I'm not sure if this is a MLC for him, but the signs are there. He admits to being very messed up, and has asked me to not give up hope for a future for us, but he has not shown the remorse nor commitment to R that it would take for me to even consider R. I don't know if he ever will. And I won't settle for less than that. So right now, we're in a holding pattern in our relationship.
I'm trying to just become the best me I can be, live life one day at a time, enjoy the life I have, and trust that if and when the time comes for one of us to file, we will know. Right now it is best for me financially to remain married. But if he files before I do, then I'm prepared for that.
He will be very busy the next couple of months with his job and a move into a new office building, so we have no plans about when we'll see each other again.
And that's my story..... I have enjoyed reading others' threads on this forum, and think this will be a better fit for me than Newcomers.
I'm so thankful for finding this place. I don't know where I'd be without it. Certainly not as strong or as focused, and probably would still be breaking all the DB rules on a daily basis.
Struggling through my 13th wedding anniversary today, but so far, so good. I'm a strong little bit@h. I got this. (That's not to say a glass or two of wine won't be involved by bedtime tonight.)
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I like the way you handled things and the way you let go so quickly
Glad you got yourself a nice gift too!
sometimes I wonder if tough love is a better choice to go when spouse is having an affair Not easy but in your situation, it may pay off maybe you will make the choice
have a good night peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you peace and ownit, but in all honesty.....
I DO NOT HAVE THIS. It hurts tonight.
The universe always has a way of balancing things though. My son's partner just showed up unexpectedly to spend the night, and my long lost girlfriend from NY just called, out of nowhere. She just said she's had me on her mind all day.
I am SO TEMPTED to text H and go all sarcastic, but I would not be pleased with myself in the morning.
There will come a point where he will remember it was our anniversary, and he will say something. But I'll be DAMMED if I will be moved by it or respond to it.
Today was a huge factor for me. I had no expectations, which is why I am not sad tonight.
But I did see it as a turning point for me. So there it is.
Hopefully I can make it until bedtime and not text him.
THERE WILL COME A TIME. But it's not tonight.
If anyone is reading and can give me a few seconds, it sure would help me to have some encouragement to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT and leave him alone. Only 5 hours to go until it's not our anniversary anymore. I truly think after that, I will be hardened enough to not even be tempted. Maybe I will be able to see him as the a$$hole that he is.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Hang in there. Stay dark. Future Leah will thank you.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
