MLC or WAS... either way, I'm here

[LAJar]

Coly & peace, I ended up spending the weekend at my parents' house. After the way I felt at seeing H retained a L, I don't know, it just really had an effect on me. While I got dressed on Friday, I pulled together a bag of clothes to stay over. They thought I was just coming for dinner! I know my parents are happy to have me, but I know they are somewhat freaked out by my emotions. Mom keeps saying, "I haven't seen you cry so much." They are extremely empathetic, but it's true. I have never cried this much, at the drop of a hat, in my life.

Coly- What a complete letdown for our kids. You think you've found a solid man who is happy to be a part of their life and then just the complete opposite. S is just completely angry, because there is absolutely no contact at all. It's so ironic that H's major issues come from him feeling like he had no relationship w/ FIL. Thanks for doing the same to my kid and worse, actually abandoning him.

I agree about finances. I do believe that made it easier for them to leave. When we bought the house, we planned on merging them more. I guess not doing that will help in the D. Re. the mortgage, "sword of Damocles hanging over me", so perfectly describes it. It is a horrible feeling, but I just can't afford it with all of the other bills I'm carrying and isn't what we agreed on. I, like you, need to start making some decisions to put some control in my hands. I think that will make me feel better and like I'm moving forward a bit more. Him retaining a L isn't retalitation, because he was badgering me to do so. I think he thinks I'm dragging my heels and he wants this so bad for his new life, he's taking the next step. Him moving this quickly, is what is really so hurtful. He has to prove to OW, our marriage was "over a long time ago" and this is next logical step. In reality, if he was going to file, he should have hired a L from the start, instead of just using an inept paralegal. Keep in mind, after 2.5 months since filing, I still haven't been served. But yes, nonetheless petty, since he said he wanted to keep this civil. Since your H hasn't filed, do you think there will ever come a time that you will? It's so odd your H won't communicate with you but will respond if reach out and not just respond but interact in person.

I really do have to think about my controlling nature. I know in some aspects he was right, but in others it was either exaggerated or worked in his favor. I.e. - we took someone to small claims, home purchase, vacation plans, I handled 99% of the process and he was fine. You can't have it both ways. If I would offer to handle the D process, he'd be more than happy to let me do all of the work! I allowed this to spill over to other areas and there were no real boundaries. At times controlling ways, came off as criticisms.

peace - Why is it that getting that piece of paper or just the thought of it conjures up such emotion? The anxiety is insane. TODAY, I don't even know if it matters that the D is just a piece of paper. I know I don't have to tell anyone who has been here even a week longer than me the cycle of emotions. I have so much anger, anxiety, sadness that I'm not sure I would even want to reconcile, if that ever became an option. Ask me in a couple of weeks, I might have another thought.

I have really tried not to disparage H and just tell the facts. The facts at this point aren't great and S sees that for himself. Although, I do believe if a miracle happened and H wanted to reconcile, S would give him a chance. He told me he believes in 2nd chances. S is just really angry and hurt with him. I hate that for him and feel guilty for putting another man in his life to disappoint him. S has been such a protector of me and has told me how I've been a great mom to him. Made my heart sing! He knows I'm a basketcase right now, but will be fine ultimately. I think it's ok for him to know both of these sides as long as I end with resilience. I'm glad your kids are ok. No doubt it's the example that's set that will allowed that to happen. It's their loss not having these great kids in their life.

What a turn of events that your XH is now D! How did that make you feel hearing about your XH's D? I would have such mixed feelings. I know the affair will likely not last, I just wish they'd realize the damage is so not worth the temporary feeling. I try to tell myself it will end soon enough, but one thing keeps popping in my head. We didn't have kids and was something we spoke about. After MIL passed, he said he didn't want any because he didn't want any kids to feel the way he did, if he should pass away at a young age (he thought that might be a chance). Believe me, I discussed this w/ him many times as I started to get older. People would also ask us about kids and it even made him cry a couple of times. I had to make sure this was what he really wanted and told people to stop asking. Thought it was best given his emotions. When he left, he threw it in my face. He said my controlling nature was the reason we never had kids. Huh? He never said that prior. Now, given how fast he's moving into this R, I can see him getting her PG. Talk about a mindf$ck.

Coly & peace, thank you for taking the time to comment. Your words and thoughts bring so much comfort. I am working on being a stronger me. Here's to a better day for tomorrow.