Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[Holding]

Doodler, solid plan!

JoeJoe, I know this is all about provoking me - it's actually very childish. I'll try to stay the course. Thanks for the support!

Saturday night she did sleep in the bed with me. I slept on the edge facing away from her. She slept on her edge too. Apparently I was snoring because she tapped me in the middle of the night to get me to stop.

On Sunday morning, she woke me up by poking me. Then she questioned me for about 30 minutes: Why won't I sign the waiver? Why was I punishing her? Did I just want my pound of flesh? Why was I stopping her from moving on with her life? The same questions over and over.

I told her I thought her conversation from the other night, where she told me she was having doubts, was manipulative. She didn't see how it was. She said she was just sharing information and didn't mean to give me hope of something else.

At one point she asked me, "If you want to be married to me, why are you treating me like this?" I thought for a moment and said "I don't want to be married to you." It was the truth. She responded with "Then why are you dragging this out?" I got up and went into the bathroom. The questioning continued for a few more minutes, until she left the room to get ready for church. A few days ago I had been thinking about going with them, but I just couldn't do it.

She was gone with the boys most of the day, so I spent all of yesterday getting together my documentation for my L. What an emotional nightmare that was, looking at old receipts and bills, thinking back to when things were better between us, and just thinking about the past and what we've lost. I'd occasionally have to excuse myself to the bedroom to punch the cr@p out of the bed.

When they got back, I was walking around the house with a notepad compiling my inventory. STBXW was bothered by this and asking me if I was writing down every little thing. I told her my lawyer was asking for details. She acted hurt and said, "Well, if that's the way it's going to be, I might as well just take my clothes and go. You can keep the rest."

Last night, she gathered her few things from the MBR and went back to her room. On the way out she said good night, and I said it back to her. I slept alone again. Not sure if this will last.

I realize that my STBXW getting angry still upsets me. I know I need to not care what she thinks. But seeing her upset still gets to me, even if it's completely out of my hands, and even if her expectations are nowhere near reality. I've spent 21 years with her, so it's a hard bond to break.

I'm just feeling real down right now. (Grab your party hats. It's pity party time!) As much as I've tried to GAL and grow as a person, I feel like everything I've worked for has been a waste. I've let my kids down. I'm mad at myself for not seeing the warning signs more clearly early in our MR. I'm mad at myself for marrying her.