Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

Checking in...its becoming just a weekly routine, at this point. A Way to remember the course of this journey. I'm glad for the input and support along the way, but its really becoming just a science experiment, at this point. Which is funny, really.

I'm supposed to do a thesis or defense of a research proposal in order to graduate. I'm at this moment trying to figure out a way to tie in all of my "whys". Why is gray divorce really growing? Why do spouses really run away at midlife? What is the tie-in between depression, midlife crisis, self-esteem, childhood trauma, and gray divorce. Why are there so many that don't go down that road? There are studies that show that there are developmental ebbs and flows during a long-term marriage and that even if one or both partners hit that midlife low, if they stay together...it will most likely pass. Anyway, I have questions.

So, XH stuff...just for the record. D26 is now D27. She wanted to "nosh"...our term for hitting several restaurants in a row and just having a drink and/or an appetizer and then moving on to another venue...for her birthday. It was originally going to be just "us girls", but then her husband's hunting trip fell through. Then XH had asked what was up, and said he'd go if I didn't mind. Then D25 bailed. So, it ended up as D26 and her husband and me and my X. We all had a great time hanging out in the touristy part of her town. Kind of funny; XH's alma mater football team played our local university up here, so there were a lot of people with sweatshirts and caps with his school's logo around. They had lost, so we were joking about that and giving him a hard time...he seemed to take it all right. But still...

There's this depression thing. He hurts...I get that. His leg wound is pretty big and there's a lot of healing to do. Has he had a follow up to see if everything is ok? To see if there was any tissue death? Of course not! He even took his own stitches out! So now he's worried because it doesn't seem right. He's even "considering" going to the doctor. But even worse, he keeps complaining of being old. I told him, "dude...your only 3 years older than me...and I'm not old. This is midlife." He said "we're old." D27 then laughed and said, "mom's definitely not, but you've almost got me convinced that YOU are."

I stayed back and walked with him when we walked around...I almost felt the need to put my arm around his back to help him as I do with my mom. He seems so unsure of himself and...QUIET!. He used to have a booming voice, always laughing. He was so good with older people because he had a naturally louder voice. So sure of himself. Now, not so much. He kept asking me my opinion on everything, as if he was unsure. I also found that he rarely speaks to D27, except to invite her up to his river house. He also mentioned that he talks to D25 about once a month or so. He seemed sad about that... Yet, when I was talking to D25 about it, she confirmed and also said he doesn't always answer her texts.

When I read about MLCers abandoning their families, I always think to myself, he's never really done that or that he seems to be gravitating toward them as he's left me. But I'm finding that it isn't the case. How sad. His daughters are smart, funny, beautiful girls.Of course they have their issues, as we all do. But how sad that he isn't enjoying the heck out of them right now. I sure do.