Limerence and My Situation 4

[joejoe1]

Mark,

I would like to read your version of SC and LD.

[Btrow]

The “falling in love aspect” you talk about is very real, please accept they are in love BUT a short term type not one based on commitment with real history behind it! It’s more driven by excitement and lust rather than companionship, trust and safety. The good news is it can’t go on forever…

Mark,

No 2x4 from me, but to me the above statement describes exactly how I felt when I met my now XW. We also didn't have real history behind it etc. Well, we made it almost past the 20 year mark.

[MoveFrwd]

Where I get shot down is that I want to show WW I'm her best option at this point in the hope that she will see this and RC is possible.

The way I see it, there is a slight but important difference between SHOWING her that you are the best option and BEING the best option.

I think that the important things are what happens when nobody is watching. Thats the time for you to practice becoming the man who is the best option.

For example, let's say she is big on timeliness and you are always late to things. Sure, you can be on time to everything where she is involved and thats great. But if you still run 15 minutes late for everything else, then you havent really internalized any actual change - it's just a show for her. And some time down the road, that timeliness will vanish and youll be right back where you started.

To me, lasting change only can come from an internal desire for it. And that internal desire is what will cause you to BE the best option. She will see if thats the case whether you are trying to 'prove' it to her or not.

[Parkema]

Hi Btrow,

Could I ask did your R start as an A or a normal hook-up that had none of the elements that come with an A?

Husband?
Children?
Marriage?

Was your partner at the time involved in a very bad MR you know what I'm saying there..?

If none of these were present then quite rightly the R would and should last, my above point describes a WS who is fully enveloped in a long term "normal" R.

By the way I'm not saying AM don't last I'm just saying more fail than succeed.

M

[EastTN]

Mark,

You're looking for reasons for your W to fail. In the end, this is all about you and not her, and you keep focusing on WHY shes going to leave OM and come back to you. You're not going to analyze your way out of this box, man.

[AnotherStander]

This site would suggest NC and detachment and I TOTALLY AGREE with that statement BUT have issues with the counter-productive nature of that stance.

Yes that's normal, it doesn't FEEL right. Every fiber of our being is telling us "you need to pursue her or she won't know you still want her". That actually does work if a wife is in the beginning stages of being a WAW. The problem is once they are both feet out the door then pursuit just looks weak, pathetic and desperate to them. A WAW involved in an affair is more likely to laugh at a pursuing H then to have any romantic feelings towards him.

The “falling in love aspect” you talk about is very real, please accept they are in love BUT a short term type not one based on commitment with real history behind it!

Well I think I mentioned this early on in your threads but my brother's wife left him after disclosing she had been engaged in an affair for over a year. She move in with OM while still married (they're D'd now though). It's been 10 years or so, they are still together but have never gotten married. Limerence always goes away, but the relationship may or may not last well beyond limerence, it's impossible to say with certainty.

[Btrow]

Mark,

You know we are on the same page here. You just happened to describe a normal uncomplicated "falling in love" situation there. We both agree there is a different sort of baggage you are carrying with you when transforming an A into a normal relationship.

The problem is once they are both feet out the door then pursuit just looks weak, pathetic and desperate to them.

Spot on AS. A female co-worker of mine was a WAW many years ago (no third party involved btw). She was very helpful to me when I was going through D, explaining what probably was going on in the mind of my XW, etc. She said the exact same thing to me when I asked how I should approach XW. She told me that her now XH was overly nice towards her and that she found it a bit "disgusting".

I once read on another forum that you should take a John Wayne kinda approach. Polite, but firm. I like that approach.

[Maika]

Mark - I am not sure how your version of 'smart contact' is different than what DB recommends. My feeling is that your version has some level of pursuit, which AS just addressed.

I take very point of contact with W as smart contact and put in practice DBing at that point. I don't know if beyond that is actually productive in the long run.

[Maika]

'every' point of contact... geez, need to proofread every time

[CW2017]

Thanks Mark for the advice again
Guess I need a tailored version for my domestic setup whereby I GAL and mentally detach whilst remaining in this loving relationship (cake eating or not) in the house. If she is stil being devious I'm prepared to wait for the denouement. As long as my mental health keeps on an even keel I think.I can keep this going