WAS OR WHAT 10

[roist]

Thanks Gordie and Job.

I am doing my best at living fullest within the constraints of my situation. It would be infinitely easier to do that if separated. So why don't I take that easier path. Simply because it moves me away from my goal. I am well aware that that could also be the catalyst required.

For now I sense W is still there and there is a possibility of reconnection without separation. Time will tell.

Speaking of time. It has almost been three years since I declared to W that I was going to do what it takes to save our M. I said I was going to try alone if she wouldn't. I asked for a sign that she wanted to save our M. No obvious sign was given then or since. EXCEPT she is still here, wanting to do stuff together and living albeit limitedly as a couple.

That could be down to her inability to take the steps needed to leave. Maybe deep down she wants me to split the couple and hence the family. But I sense it otherwise.

She has expressed wanting to use our alone time better, do more when kids are occupied and that I (not we) communicate more. Due to doing what I needed to survive in this situation I now realise I am not able to come up with suggestions of stuff to do or to be fully open with her. In the early months of this situation I would have excelled at that. I am not going to over stress about that but it is noted so that I can reflect on it.

I am however disappointed about it as it was one of my first self improvement projects that I worked on and that I achieved.I am sure I can achieve it again. I was wondering if it was a question of ability or motivation. But in writing here I think I found the answer to be motivational.

Regardless my path forward appears to be two paths simultaneously which luckily can go in the same direction. The first is as job mentioned me moving forward, living life fully and focusing on my own needs etc. Parallel to that I will nurture the remnants of the connection between us. This is beyond leaving a candle in the window and the door ajar. I can do this because my two paths are parallel and down the road I can choose just to move forward on my own path. I like that path and know it could be great too. Whilst working on being a better H will also benefit me , there is a secondary consideration and that is if I ever do the last resort technique, the difference will be accentuated for W.

With our wedding anniversary coming up, plus the anniversary of me deciding to save M, followed by our anniversary of when we started seeing each other, I suppose it is normal to reflect on time. Tbh I would say we have a crap R, but we appear that bit better than recent years. That is not enough for me but it is still an improvement.

Thanks for reading