Did I ever wonder why? This is not my first time here. And for several years of my life I have wondered why. Years I cannot get back.
I tried to understand what compelled him to make disastrous choices. And then repeat them.
I wracked my brain and tried to get into his brain. I spent time with a DB coach, and MCs and IC's and a chaplain and a priest and going to Retrovaille - trying to understand why and how my h did/felt/thought as he did. I tried to get into his brain and read meaning into so many things he did or did not do.
I spun in circles asking the same questions in loops. I'd ask my DB coach and anyone who would listen,
HOW & WHY he could leave our children and me for an adventure. How he could be who I thought he was, AND inflict so much pain on the 4 people who loved him the most.
I think every LBSer here asks why.
As I said, This is not my first time here. But dear God, how I asked why...
Anyhow, a prayer Caroline Myss wrote, resonates with me.
"Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know, and *constant wondering is constant suffering.*
We all try to make sense of terrible things that pain us, in our life.
In the book "Option B", Sheryl Sandberg (the CEO of FB who lost her h suddenly 2 years ago) wrote that: "the most difficult pain to accept, is pain we do not understand."
At some point we all have to learn what we can from it, and then accept it b/c "it just is- regardless of why" - and rebuild with strength and faith.
I am moving forward as best I can, at 57. Wondering "why" about h at this point,
is not in my interest or in my children's interests. They need to see me rebuild a life. I need and want to.
That's my plan.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
