25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[25yearsmlc]

25,

Earlier in the week, H texted me (in response to a text I sent him about upcoming tax deadline) about what a stressful week he was having, (having to go before the president and board of his company explaining why he's one million over budget on this move.... blah blah) -

So Friday night I get a random text from him that says "wow what a week-thanks for your support." Which I saw as a conversation opener from him.

And I chose not to respond. Which is TOTALLY unlike me. First of all, I had 5 of my best girlfriends here for a sleepover and was too busy GAL to respond, and second of all, I did not FEEL like responding. I'm just really feeling kind of over the whole thing right now.

But then I did the SAME THING YOU DID- started to feel like "Now I'm being rude."

RUDE????? RUDE?????? SERIOUSLY?????

When I just read your post, I thought- Wow, good for 25 for recognizing the ridiculousness in those thoughts!- then 5 seconds later saw my own forest in spite of the trees.

yes ^^- that's an unexpected byproduct of posting here.

Seeing the differences in many situations here, but also seeing

the universality of heartbreak, and the brutal pain of seeing the truth.

The truth In ourselves and in someone we deeply loved.

One more thought though.

I think both our thought processes say so VERY much about the kind of people you and I are, and who our Hs are.

Right?

I hear you.

For me, the idea that I was being rude - after a few minutes of reflection

struck me in 2 ways.

First, the good part - I am sensitive to others and that's a good thing. Very aware of how I sound to them, whether I'm responsive and intuitive to their needs.

Yay me.

The not so good part is how out of place my concern was.

FTR, Politeness and civility are not things I will ever regret. Civility in the midst of this ordeal, is a real goal of mine. Not just so h won't look back with his negatives fueled, in fact not b/c of him at all (or not a lot b/c of him.)

This^^ is For ME to know and for my kids to see. S31 has sent me the Rihanna song "B1tch Better Gimme My Money" as a mantra. In context it's hilarious.

But it's also a clear message from my kids. In their eyes h is the villain. In time, I hope they recover a relationship with him for all their sakes. I really mean that. (At least this minute!)

I would greatly regret spewing at him, (however justified it is).

But to actually wonder if I was being rude was just not healthy of me. AND worse - probably - is the subconscious desire on my part to engage with him.

As if there was some sort of opening. Hoping?? I had to really look at that and think it through to see how whacked out that was. It's the hopium talking.