Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 11, filing for D

[25yearsmlc]

just wrote a long post to you, worried that it might be too long and then it vanished.

Okay I will be brief now b/c obviously the universe is telling me to.


[quote=PsySara]Sky,
Thank you for the suggestions. This last week I got back on my sleep aid (lots of nightmares robbing me of good sleep) and got my hair done. Most of the time I am ok but have these moments where I feel my heart break again.

I have awakened with bad nightmares and breathlessly feeling my heart pound. Thank God for sleep aids. I think I have had what I assume are panic attacks, which I've never had before. Pretty crappy experiences. Do what you need to do for self care.


But I remind myself that I've earned my out of this marriage and will likely be in a lot better place a year from now.

I am 100% certain of this^^^.


So..it goes. I continue to move forward and WH continues more of the same. He came home from work today, did his prayer and then went and took a nap...at 5pm.


thank God my h is on the tundra, and I don't have to see the indifference or weirdness or whatever the disorder is called, in my face.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life single but I also don't want a step parent in my children's life.


Sara, this^^ is you borrowing trouble from tomorrow. Be here now.

Life will be better in a year (sooner, really. When he's out of the house, the tension and in your face piece, will be improved).


And this is where the rage steps in. WH unilaterally decided to destroy our marriage


yes he did. And it stinks. It's supremely unfair. No question.

I'm in a DivorceCare group which is great. A woman there said to "use the anger as a call to action." Which has helped me a lot.

Otherwise I would feel physically sickened by my anger.


and in effect, raising my children in the most statistically sound way. I have these waves of hate wash over me sometimes when I look at him.


I had some big hate moments too. First time in my life, and there it was, hatred aimed at the father of my kids.

Some folks find the hate helpful to transition from their profound sadness.

I would go back and forth, but the good news is that I really do spend less time in each. (Really).

Getting to "meh" is a goal of mine and it is beginning to take hold periodically. The "horrible moments" are fewer and farther between.

All I can do is stand at the sidelines urging you on, while fighting my own battle.

At my lowest points this past year, including when I really thought I might be dying, I began to have this knowing belief that I was being tested and that if I did not falter too much, a much better life was on the other side of this.

I believe that for both of us.

((( )))