Remember YOU ARE THE PRIZE JOE JOE!! She married you for a reason! Don't get TKO'd in the first round. Reach down deep, nut up and show her that Joe Joe confidence.
Before discovering this forum I conducted quite a bit of research. And in the span of any successful MR. There are always a feeling at some point where thatbfluttering feeling is gone. And people have so called fallen out of love and then it comes back automatically. Situation in a MR changes that feeling. Tried to explain that to my W early on. But she wasn't trying to look at those statistics.
Yeah, I did the same research. "You're in an emotional affair." "Love is chemical at first, and then it becomes a choice."
The problem is that you're NOT talking to someone in a place where they can hear that. They don't WANT to hear that, they want their fantasy, and when you're telling them that, you're telling them that their feelings aren't valid, they're incorrect, and they don't know what they're talking about. And, of course, your pursuing bigtime, and they definitely don't want that.
I know I'm a prize. Deep down My Wife knows I'm a prize too. I haven't acted like on in years. But I have been slowly becoming better than who I was when we were first met.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Hi Mark Been reflecting on your musings on what conditions may have led to the affair. I too can concur with all the niceguyishness stuff (as a fellow Brit I also wonder if the British "reserve" fits in here as well in the sense of being not very demonstrative?). Leahsue's contribution also hit me like a sledgehammer. Simply because 20 years of marriage or not (in my case) if my W feels she has met "the one" what chance do I have?
All the best
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
They all think they've met "the one" and in the beginning I would agree. Through this time DR'ing especially the detachment and NC is the best way to manage our situations, eventually affairs end they either stay together and go all the way to MR after D'ing us OR they realise their future is no better than their so called bad MR.
Where I get shot down is that I want to show WW I'm her best option at this point in the hope that she will see this and RC is possible. I act as if I've moved on and continue to GAL but show her the door isn't fully shut until I SAY SO.
Don't give up on your MR, never give up on it just give them the room to see each other with their masks off!
Patience and self care with hope can go a long way.
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
yes I fully appreciate the "marathon" aspect now. I certainly try to give the W space and maybe she now needs to get it out of her system. Was quite an eyeopener the other day when we were watching a new Scandinavian drama and one of the characters was considering having an affair and her BFF advised her against it basically saying that the "falling in love" aspect only lasts 18 months because of the brain chemistry to which my W said something along the lines "really? oh no". Like I didn't know what she was talking about! The only worry about giving her space would be the full PA (if it has not already started) but I try not to dwell on that one for very long.
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
I know what you mean about the escalation of the A but again we need to understand (and this is where early in my situation I suffered) we can’t control someone else!
I continue to get stuck thinking about how I can affect the outcome of their A but in reality there’s nothing I can do, the mindset here for me is that I need to realise it’s over and move along with my life because it’s definitely over for her – for the time being…
Doing the detachment allows for us to gain our normality back and start being productive again, it allows us to get away from their chaos because although it would seem there life is one big party it rarely is!
This site would suggest NC and detachment and I TOTALLY AGREE with that statement BUT have issues with the counter-productive nature of that stance. I understand the benefits for our own health but I feel it’s detrimental to RC the MR, I see it slightly different and in fact look at smart contact SC and LD as I call it loving detachment (I say this whilst putting my crash helmet on).
The “falling in love aspect” you talk about is very real, please accept they are in love BUT a short term type not one based on commitment with real history behind it! It’s more driven by excitement and lust rather than companionship, trust and safety. The good news is it can’t go on forever…
IF you want my version on NC and loving detachment please let me know and I’ll prepare the aspirin and helmet again (lots of cracks in it) in advance and talk you through it.
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
