Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 3)

[25yearsmlc]

Paysara, thanks for your thoughts. I agree that my W has no idea how much she eould miss me and time with the kids. The logistics of going dark are difficult...I need to take care of the kids 2 evenings per week. It is also difficult to tell if this would backfire...my W has been thinking of leaving for years.


what have you and your w done to improve the dynamics of your m?

Would SHE say you have changed anything that harmed the m?

I think it is important to bring up that Ibmentioned that I had a disorder, cleanliness OCD for objects, that is now under control. There was a time when it was not.


What do you mean, "it's now under control"?

And when you say it's for objects, are you saying

that it does not affect how you react to people?

Actions my W did would cause me anguish. I would ask her not to do them, then she would anyway. I would get mad at her and/or plead with her to stop.


see my point? I'm not trying to hammer you here, just reframing it so you can see her point. Not to agree but to stop fueling her negative images. That's what 180's can do, and when there are valid issues for us to work on, for our lives, and our relationships, it's important.

She saw me as being very negative and has even said that I was verbally abusive. I do not think I was, but it was in her mind.


First, as you know, what matters most is what she believes at this time, and second, there may be some validity anyway.

Because being chewed out or having a spouse lose their temper and criticize is not healthy or loving. Probably feels like abuse. (Your words were that you "got mad, pleaded, and she caused you "anguish" about cleaning in a certain way)

As for being negative, can you see how OCD can be viewed that way, to someone who does not share that condition?

As an example, last weekend, I was having a bad day,


what does this mean or justify?^^^

If you have "a bad day", do you get carte blanch on how you treat others?

(I'm asking).


she did some furniture moving in my sons room. I had asked her to let me shampoo the carpet in that are before she moved the furniture.


Not that it matters, but When did you plan to shampoo it? Were you telling her everything had to wait until you were ready? See how you are framing things makes you a little helpless.

She told me it did not matter and got mad at me for bringing it up. I got mad and said she did a "half assed job". In her talk about filing for divorce, she cited that I "called her a half-ass".

to some folks, this^^ is the same thing. To others, it's not. I would not spend time worrying about it in terms of the divorce filing. But in terms of how you relate to your family I would.

She historically goes out of town a lot with the kids, so I know how lonely it feels after just a day and a half by myself. I do not have an excuse to stay overnight out of town without her. The only people I could do that with are my parents. I have thought of just taking the kids on a mini vacation to another city just to do some exploring also.


how are those plans going?

I am new to the filing for divorce process...are there resources here for what to do? My wife doesnt realize that filing is just the start. She literally said she would meet with a lawyer and be done by mid week.


There are DivorceCare groups all around the country. Practically free and very worthwhile. IT's a support group with people on the same path and many who do not want to be. There are also inexpensive seminars on this topic you can attend just to know what to expect.

Also, see a lawyer asap to protect your financial rights (you need "Do" nothing. Just get information).

And what about seeing an IC for your issues? Would your wife consider attending Retrovaille with you?

You can maybe say it's about helping with the kids, because I don't think it matters how you guys get there. NO I don't mean to lie, I mean you don't have to stress that you want to save the marriage.

Retrovaille is a retreat sponsored by the Catholic Church but You do NOT have to be Catholic or even Christian to attend. (My h is not Catholic and that was an issue for him. But there was no preaching and no dogma presented. They said a prayer after each evening.)

It was a powerful weekend for us and they have a very good track record.

Note - only couples who are considering OR in the divorce process already, attend Retrovaille. So you'd be in good company.



It sounds out of place right now, but she already layed out a plan for her to keep tge house and me to leave. I honestly have poured my heart and soul into this house and do not want to lose it if this all follows through. Any advice?

Stop making it harder for her to want to work on things. My DB coach said to "keep the road home, paved & smooth." You can disagree if you want, but it's a DB tenet.

What are your 180s?

180s have 2 (or more) functions.

1) you can choose to improve something about yourself (and that is always a good thing.)

2) AND OR

the 180 can serve to undermine the negatives she has of the marriage or you.

It confuses her if she has always said you are "negative and rigid," but instead you show her the PMA you have, and you are more relaxed and easy going.

What kind of a "jerk" Likes playing with his kids?? What kind of "OCD rigid negative" guy enjoys a relaxed evening in which the kids change their minds about what movie or game to play, and he's fine either way?

For example, If she thought you were "always late", you would become Mr PUNCTUAL and you'd be on time or early to everything.

That ^^would show her that her "data" about you, is not real or is out of date.

Have you read the DB or divorce remedy books?

Set Short term goals, get a good counselor, don't fuel the negative images she has,

be the best dad you can be, start GAL for real,

Why not take that trip with the kids? One weekend, with a few activities planned BUT LOTS of flexibility built in...

not to show your w what it's like to be lonely, but to enjoy the kids on your own and to push your comfort levels outward.

Make sense?