Lost on how to save my marriage! 3

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not saying you can fix your w's choices and you sure cannot make the choice for her.

Just make sure she knows the kids will be fine and how You will assist her in making it that way.
Maybe when she comes up with a plan - instead of putting the onus on her to live up to expectations of greatness, let her know you will manage the kids and home front while she pursues it. "I've got the kids/home front covered".

Implicit in this^^ is the reality that if she's not married to you, that won't happen. It need NOT be said. Make sense? See, the marriage to you is what frees her to actualize her potential, not a divorce.

Your w may be factoring in a lot of things other than what she likes. That's all I'm saying.

As for how long you can do this before throwing in the towel, be more specific.

is the question how long you can work on yourself - or

how long you can deal with the ambiguity -- or

how long you can handle the gut punch feeling?


Suggestions:

Work on detachment and see an IC to get help with all of these^^.

Maybe you can give yourself some time goals. 60 days, 30?

Even though it was for internal reasons (to know there was a light at the end of the limbo tunnel) that helped me manage on a weekly basis, sometimes a daily one.

You need to be able to soothe & distract yourself regardless of what happens, or this will eat you up inside. Just ask yourself what divorcing now, would give you. I'm serious. There are times when a spouse feels a lot of pain and just wants it to stop.
( I get it!)

But filing for divorce does not end the pain. Could it lead to you finding peace down the road? Sure.

So could working on the m, and that has a lot less collateral damage. Have you read the divorce busting or divorce remedy books? Read at least one of them b/c it will reinforce a lot of what we say here and distinguishes the philosophy of MWD from random advice given.

I believe in sincere herculean efforts to stay married, when there are children. Not to save the marriage at all costs. But as you say, you have not worked as hard or half as long as your wife did. The gut punch you feel is real, but to hear some folks talk, it's as if your wife never had her share of them.


Bottom line, Either way, your road is not an easy one by a long shot.

Get an IC, get an activity or something that calms down the racing thoughts and gut punch feelings, and turn your marriage and pain over to God. Don't keep your focus on her. Keep it on you & the kids.

When you do the work you feel is needed to become the man you were meant to become - the best Joejoe possible,

when you know in your heart you have done your very best, making the specific changes you needed & wanted to make

then hold your head high, be at peace, and leave the results up to Him.