So let me get this straight. you think the OM is more or less blameless and deserves no consequences for his actions and you are partially to blame for your wife cheating? The OM was and still is, involved with a married woman. I suppose it would be one thing if he had no idea she was married but that wasn't the case. So turning him in would not have been about revenge, it would have illustrated to him that there are consequences for his actions. well yes it would have been revenge as GW admitted. But -
3 reasons turning him in is not advised, though I can understand your feelings completely.
1) in GW's situation, HE would be exposed to legal problems, as what he uncovered was not legally obtained and further, GW's threats to expose constituted blackmail.
2) it has been the experience of DBers and MWD's research that exposure and punishing or "showing the consequences" of A is extremely ineffective in ending the affair AND usually has a backfire effect in pushing the affair partners closer together and it fuels the negative narrative about the LBSer being vindictive and bitter. And even if the A ends as a result, the blame against the spouse for "ruining the happiness" the WAS wanted, rarely leads to a reconciliation. In other words, it just does not work or help the situation, (though I can imagine feeling immensely satisfying at the time).
3) Per my DB coach, "it is not the spouse's job to teach a lesson or show the consequences - other than potential divorce related ones. Because Life teaches the lessons, life shows consequences." For me, it's also about conserving MY resources and moving forward in MY life.
This site is aimed at stopping a divorce and promoting reconciliation. It's not easy. And I'm not sure it's statistically likely - but for couples to be here, the odds are already against us.
Actions that reduce the chance of reconciliation are just not part of the approach here.
As for your wife, true you owned your share of issues in the marriage but it's all on her for cheating. If she was so unhappy, she could have done other things than engage in an affair. no one is arguing that she was right to have an affair. GW wants to save his marriage.
Some folks may think that is a bad idea,& I can see their point. But that is why HE is here. Whether he "should" save it really is not on the table.
For GW to declare her wrong some more, serves no purpose.
He either ends the marriage or tries to save it. This site is about saving it.
your approach seems to be throw her out, blackmail the OM or expose him (and to heck with consequences for GW's career) reduce or eliminate the admittedly small chances of a recon and even a cordial r with his wife in the future
but temporarily congratulating himself on how HE showed them!
It seems like you are so desperate to save your marriage you are willing to overlook that. well, obviously. Affairs are never right but they are not all alike.
You sure give GW a big pass, I notice. I won't delve into it anymore but I have to wonder if you really read his thread. It's painfully honest...this A did not happen in a vacuum.
Anyhow, Yes he is willing to overlook it for now, so that he can hope to be the better choice if and when his wife comes out of an affair - an affair with an outcome that is very unlikely to end well for her.
SHOULD he take her back? Not for me to decide but MWD does have some criteria for reconciliation if and when his wife pursues that.
SHE is not here now asking for a recon. If that happens, THEN they will face a daunting challenge called
"piecing" which requires great effort and humility on all parties. It is THEN that GW can set his transparency requirements and list what HIS needs are for them to rebuild.
She is the one that cheated and she should be doing everything in her power to save the marriage. Certainly doesn't sound like it.
SHE does not want to save it..HE Does...
Given that GW wants to stay married and have a restored marriage not a doormat m,
what is it you suggest HE do now? He cannot force her to want to be married, but I'm interested in what you suggest he do, to make it work?
I wish you the best of luck but I daresay you will be back in a short period of time after she finally dumps you and rides off into the sunset with the OM
^^^this is not advice and it is, at best, unhelpful.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
