not to overwhelm you too much with too much detail, but when you compliment your w
put some thought into it. Not a "you look nice." Or "good dinner." Though those are positive, they often come off as fobbed off lines without thought.
I am not sure what she felt worst about herself or in terms of your criticisms, e.g. her intelligence or cooking, financial management, weight, or her mothering but I would start there.
JoeJoe - you have the classic DB challenge - of balancing your willingness to "become a man only a fool would leave" (and yes, owning your role in this mess),
against not pressuring your wife to end a fantasy existence with OM. Pressure and pursuit can backfire.
You will need to consistently apply something for enough time for it to be trusted, before monitoring for any results.
* (MWD uses the term "monitoring for results" and people over analyze and get confused. In my experience, the results are usually pretty obvious one way or another, if you give it enough time).
Now that we've cleared that up...
All women like being complimented for their mothering, esp if they have been the stay at home military wife. We need to be reminded of how valued we are and how valuable what WE do/did is.
No fighter pilot or military neurosurgeon can do their job consistently or over time, if they are worried that their families are in crisis or are lost to them.
The military knows this in theory but it's still sort of abstract. That is another reason there's more divorce in deployed soldiers' families. If you ever deploy again, involve your family in as much of the day to day (safe stuff, obviously)
that you can so that you don't feel like strangers when you return. Same for hearing what your w's AND Kids lives were like so you know your kids' bff's names, teacher's names favorite subjects, latest funny or scary show watched, etc.
These ^^ are things you can discuss now, too.
The military does attempt to give family support but you REALLY have to navigate the system to get a lot of help.
First I must ask you - do you want to retire from the military? How long do you have left ? I ask this b/c there may be career considerations to touch on later.
May I assume your skills are medical in origin? (H & i were both active duty in your present city). Those skills do transfer to the civilian world if need be or when the time comes. Which will make the transition easier for you.
Are there any classes or a degree your w would want to get into? Or a career training?
NOT That you have to push her towards working outside the home, (!) but if there is something other than her fantasy life that she could focus on, you can mention your support of it. The post 9-11 benefits Can include partial funding of family members schooling or the soldiers.
Careful Not to say this in a manipulative way, but so she knows the program exists in case she is interested.
You said you like your wife (and love her). Why not list a few things you like about her here,
and perhaps we can help you delineate how authentic compliments might sound?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
