Boston Dad in Need of Help Part 3

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Accuray]It’s never 50/50! My point is that except in the very extreme examples you cite both parties are at fault to some degree and to imply to the children that only one person is to blame is in my opinion dishonest and does not serve them

My examples aren't that extreme.A lot of people have a problem with monogamy these days.And don't take marriage that seriously.

Like i said, no such a thing as a perfect spouse exists, but even if you aren't 'blameless', that doesn't mean you didn't contribute far more and fought harder for the marriage than your counterpart.

This^^ can be true. Most of us did the heavy lifting in our m's at some point, or most of the time.

But inside the family with 2 parents, is it really vital that our children have to know who did what to whom, ever? What about when they are small? What about marital privacy? (I'm serious).

My kids are grown and they ask me questions. I don't lie. But I choose to keep some things private.




If you had asked me a year ago (or 11 years ago for the 1st round of this)

I would have said "H is to blame." Period. And I would have meant it.

I did a ton of personal work and learned to forgive far more than I ever expected. Frankly I had never seen forgiveness growing up. I had a lot of resentment (of his not making us a priority) and had to let it go if we were to stay married, partly b/c it simply did not help.

Fast forward to Last year when I suddenly got very sick and was hospitalized while visiting family back east. My h (the DOCTOR)

was nowhere to be found, which shook me to my core. And that lead to some other discoveries, etc.

Point is, much as I fault him for being a real jerk then, and in the div proceedings and hiding money, etc

if I go back a bit farther, with the benefit of almost a year now,

I can see my own flaws and errors without as much defensiveness.

I question myself and my choices a lot more.

With the help of a great T, I'm working on being gentle with myself as I face the brutal truth about my own role in this mess.

Indeed we are all human. If we are here, we probably did the heavy lifting in our marriage.

While H is still making choices I would never make, I'm not God. It's not my job to judge him. At this stage, I just need to detach from him, with as little collateral damage to our children as possible.

Rhym, I don't know your situation and could not find your thread.

But it's alright to be angry and deeply hurt b/c THIS IS A BIG DEAL - to have a family break apart is like a tornado wiped out our home and we are searching for tools with which to rebuild, even as we keep looking at the destruction.

Check into a group called DivorceCare in your area, b/c real life people are in the same boat as you are, and it really helps to remember that. It's like DB only real life.

And
Keep posting.