25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[25yearsmlc]

There comes a time when it is more painful to be in the limbo state.. then to just have it over. You see the finish line, Step into this. Embrace it. That's when the true healing begins.

So proud of your kids... and of YOU.

((( )))

I MISSED THIS^^^ --- and you Val!! Yes, limbo truly wears on your soul, your self esteem and the ability to THINK AHEAD

b/c you are so filled with fear (terror, really) that you are not safe, or desirable or sexy or lovable. Helping just with that^^ takes a ton of faith and cognitive work, and feedback from loved ones - to remember you are loved, lovable, and you are not a villain. People say divorce won't define them, but I think how we react to it can.

I'm not staying down for this. If I'm screwed in the settlement, so be it. (NO I don't plan on it, just saying I cannot enter the discussion with terror as a motivator).


I am more focussed on my present time and planning a future than I have been in a long time. Actually, more than ever, come to think of it.

I still hesitate till I know the numbers but the future images help me today...

I am putting myself out there joining things, studying things like woodworking and philosophy - which I always wanted to do and would not have done if h were around

b/c I focussed all of my time on him IF / WHEN he was available. Like my life was made up of "h time and non h time". God...smh.

This is not me pushing my envelope so much as just filling my free time with stuff I want to do. No restrictions from others, for the first time in my life.


*Yes I know it's not linear and I'll backslide.

Lately I only backslide when I see triggers like grandparents playing with their grandkids or a couple finally living in their dream home, and thinking

"damn, We won't ever have that" ---

oh, and times when suddenly remember something lousy or increasingly suspicious that H did, and I get mad at H and then mad at myself for not reacting to it or "waiting" for h to appreciate my devotion and loyalty and - whatever. But my T is helping me a lot with this. What a Godsend she is.

The backslide moments are fewer & don't last as long.

I'm sure I'll look back when this is all over and take things in.

When you are IN IT, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. Somehow my self protection mode is on right now, and as you say, I'm trying hard to stay focussed on the finish line.

(((( V ))))