My H and I have been married 13 years. 2nd marriage for both of us. We both have 2 children each, all out of the house on their own.
For 10 years we had a great marriage. Then 3 years ago, H got a great job opportunity that we decided to take, so we moved from Alabama to New Jersey, and he went to work in NYC. Huge salary change, huge job change, but great apartment right on the Hudson with view of NYC. To say our entire lives were upended would be an understatement.
Looking back, it was too much, too quickly. We should have started in MC, just to be better able to handle all the changes. The first year, we had a steady stream of family and friends visiting, and we did all the touristy stuff with them. Then H's younger sister had her cancer return, and we came back to AL to spend her last month with her. We still owned a small business in AL which I ran from NJ, and just a crew do the actual physical work. While we were here for H's sister, we realized that my "crew" was not doing the job they were portraying to me, and I knew they would need more supervision. Rather than shuffle around in relative's homes and/or hotels, we rented a small apartment here to use as a part time office for me, and I began spending a good bit of time here cleaning up the business. We did that for a year, and the time spent apart began to take its toll on us, although we didn't recognize the red flags.
Last year in October we found a foreclosed house here in AL, and decided to buy it, give up the apartment, and re-do the house. The plan at the time was to flip it, but we both fell in love with it, so decided to fix it up and use it as an office/2nd home for when we were here, and eventually retire here.
When I flew back to NJ at Christmas, something had changed. H was not himself. In what seemed like overnight, H distanced himself from me. When pushed about why, he confessed to a one night stand and said he needed some time apart. He admitted to drinking too much, and appeared to be very depressed and full of shame and guilt. I agreed to return to AL and give him some time. I was shocked and hurt, but truly believed him when he said we could work through this, if I was willing to take him back.
That turned into about 4 months of NC. He dropped all communication with not only me, but his family here in AL. He was given new, more demanding responsibilities at his job, and seemed to be living for only that. About April, he began to contact me, a little at a time, and started asking about us spending some time together. After I agreed, he planned a visit here, which over the course of the next 2 months, he postponed 4 times. It was a very roller-coaster time for me, the whole limbo kind of thing.
In many ways, it was harder than the NC, because now there was some hope for R, where before it had seemed to be over for good.
Then over the 4th of July, I discovered that he had flown to Dominican Republic with another woman. I broke into his phone records and realized he had a daily texting dialogue going on with her, that dated back to about late March.
I flipped my lid, told him I was filing for D, and went to see a lawyer, who drew up D papers. H turned 50 that month. Also found out he was going to be a grandfather. The lawyer did a horrible job with the D papers, and after several weeks, I fired him and found another one.
During that time, H came to AL to go with his extended family on an annual beach trip. While he was here, I asked to see him, to discuss D options. We spent an afternoon together, and realized maybe neither of us was quite ready to throw the M out just yet. Since then, he has come back twice and spent a week each time.
That's where we are right now. I still have an appt. with the new attorney Nov 6, and I've asked H for us to take a break, think about the visits and all that was said between us, and try to both get a clearer view of what each of us wants for the future.
I don't know if he is still in contact with OW. I don't look anymore. I'm living my life for me right now, and not giving him free rent in my head, although it's a struggle for me.
I'm not sure if this is a MLC for him, but the signs are there. He admits to being very messed up, and has asked me to not give up hope for a future for us, but he has not shown the remorse nor commitment to R that it would take for me to even consider R. I don't know if he ever will. And I won't settle for less than that. So right now, we're in a holding pattern in our relationship.
I'm trying to just become the best me I can be, live life one day at a time, enjoy the life I have, and trust that if and when the time comes for one of us to file, we will know. Right now it is best for me financially to remain married. But if he files before I do, then I'm prepared for that.
He will be very busy the next couple of months with his job and a move into a new office building, so we have no plans about when we'll see each other again.
And that's my story..... I have enjoyed reading others' threads on this forum, and think this will be a better fit for me than Newcomers.
I'm so thankful for finding this place. I don't know where I'd be without it. Certainly not as strong or as focused, and probably would still be breaking all the DB rules on a daily basis.
