I am sorry where you are at right now Swoop. Totally relate to it and I have an idea of what you're feeling. All I can offer is what I went through and see if any of it speaks to you.
I think that you have to give yourself time to grieve the MR. I posted in my sitch that the whole BD and first month or two of the separation felt like I was in a never ending funeral - the darkness, pain, emptiness and hurt was always consistently there.
I GAL'd quite a bit in that time and it really helped with taking my mind off the sitch and I also felt quite rejuvenated to be doing some things that I've been wanting to do for a long time - I started with things that I was either passionate about already or I was really intrigued by and wanted to try it. Even then, I would think about her all the time and the beginning period was super lonely.
On top of this forum, having IC was very helpful, and I am still doing it. I am not sure if you bury your emotions, but one thing that I did was not fight how I was feeling - no matter how awful that feeling was. Whether it was anger, resentment, sadness, rage, fear, melancholy etc. I let myself truly feel what I was feeling so that I understood what it was emotionally and then did something to process it constructively. So, I would go to an art show, movie, or even a drive playing music that I love to let the emotions subside and pass. What I didn't do was let myself wallow in the emotion and let it eat me alive. I know it did in the beginning and that's normal because you're dealing with such a shock to your system.
The other thing that has really helped in the past 3 weeks is truly coming to a place of acceptance that W is gone and the MR is dead. There is no going back to it and that the future is not apocalyptic. As soon as I really accepted this, it lifted a great burden off my shoulders - I didn't have to worry about how to interpret anything she said or did, and just focus on myself. Over the last few weeks, I have thought of her less and less and I feel more calm and grounded.
So, take that for what it's worth. We're not robots and this is gut wrenching stuff - i bawled my eyes out so many nights. I would say don't suppress how you feel, but then don't decide to live in that emotion and keep victimizing yourself. Remember that you do have control over yourself and life and that you can take it back - one day at a time in the beginning.
Phoenix always rises from the ashes and that's what we all are. I am going to get that as a tat at the end of 12 months or whenever I feel I have reached zen.
