As now I know W is a WW and not a WAW. I had to deal with my new issues of how a person not can only have an affair but lie about it for so long. It's been a real struggle, its like an onion, because after a period of time and interactions its a new level of hurt and cruelty (at least to me). Also, its my though, she would of never told me and I would of always assumed she was a WAS and that I was carrying what I thought the majority of the burden of the separation.
I asked to meet her in a public place so that i can share some personal information with her. I started by telling her, I acknowledge all my destructive behavior in the marriage, and told her however always kept my vows. I then told her I knew you were having an affair since 2016. Acknowledged, how I had responsibilities in this action, but it was still your decision to do this. What I couldn't really understand is the hiding, lies, up to Sept of this year, because I felt you were just manipulating me. At first, she focused on how I knew and I admitted to her how. Once that was established, she admitted it was an EA and that she was in a dark place because of feeling detached from our M. She told she was not in love, knows in not long term, and not in contact. Also, told me not to contact the AF (her co-worker) because he knows nothing about this. During this hour visit, she broke down and admitted this was a very bad thing and told me how guilty she's been feeling. Within this meeting, I told her that I need a lot of time to process this and that I still want to really try to save our family and M, assuming we can both do the work. She told me after this she could never be w/me, because she thought I would always put this over her head, she did not love me, too much damage in our M. I just validated and we had to leave.
The meeting with the W really bothered me because I just felt she was being honest. I asked to talk to her and ask her 2 questions. When we got on the phone, she blamed me for 15 min of my destructive behavior in the M as to why she had an A. I just validated her comments to me about my behavior but did not go in tick for tack as how she has really messed with me for the past 2 years, as I was becoming a better man, husband, father. My coach has explained, what would W assume I would do.. I would of argued aggressively in the past; however, I did a 180 and not a fake 180, for the most part calm and rationale (including my initial confrontation I was calm and not angry at her...a big 180).
I asked her my question, are you still in a relationship with this AP? Her reply is we are still friends. The reason I asked because as much as I want to reconcile the M its not going to happen with a AP, no matter what she labels it. I then asked her why do you not just file? W's response I know it would be a big issues for kids and financially and stated I wasn't ready. She said that she was already emotionally and physically detached, and that she could sit down and talk about a split. My response I don't think I would ever be ready to have this discussion, but I am not going to stop you. I just told her I have not filed because i have always been the one that believes that with effort we can put our marriage together, but I'm not going to stop you. Within the conversation, she again stated we both need to move on and that she will have this discussion with me (no dates). In my initial discussion wither her I told her for my own self-respect, I need you to remove yourself from my cell acct, and other issues as I will not support your life choices.
After the phone call, she text me that she knows she hurt me immensely, seen how I have made tremendous improvements, and that she made bug mistakes, that she sad to think about our family breaking apart, and that I deserve better.
I realize these two posts are long summaries to establish context. The bottom line, I'm conflicted I wanted to save my marriage and I also want to move on because of all the hurt I've gone through. I can honestly say I am a bit detached, because once I found about the affair, while it was traumatic, I'm still emotionally in control and rationale about next steps.
I do very hopeless there is no light at the end of tunnel on my sitch, but at this point in time don't want to pull the trigger in D.
I would appreciate any advice, questions or comments on my sitch. Thanks.
